Sweetwater 420

What a better place to update y'all on my 365 project process than sitting in the Atlanta airport drinking one of my favorite beers… next to 3 middle aged men talking about another guy who generously offered to cary his wife's hot pink vera bradley bag. Im sitting here thinking I know damn well if these men had a hot momma asking them to carry her bag they would bow down and flaunt it proudly.

The last few days have been great! I haven't really had much of a struggle, the opposite of what I anticipated. 
Y'all-- I really can't stand running in the snow. It's the resistance of sand with the slickness of an oil spill. And it seems like only when hot guys are letting me cross the road do I almost fall but sorta-not-really gracefully catch myself. 

But, as promised---

At first I was a little discouraged because my pace wasn't the fastest in the world, and then I haven't been going very far… but then I was thinking about it and if I make the effort to change clothes in the middle of my work day to go run 3 miles in the snow, i'm ok with that!

I have to interrupt to just say- I freakin love the airport. 

i'm nervous for this trip home.. It's going to be a challenge to get all my runs in. I'm usually pretty involved with social activities. It will be nice to take at least 20 minutes a day to myself. And it's supposed to be sunny! 

It's the people that make me worry about being here.. I haven't talked to my mom in at least 6 months. She's usually my go-to girl. I won't have a car.. my friends all have crazy girlfriends and jobs (thank goodness). 

So, y'all just wish me luck and I promise I'll post something more inspirational tomorrow. 
:) 

New Year, New Everythaaaang

Oh, New Years……
It really brings about a different spirit in people. 

Now people are actually encouraged to make some kind of positive change in their lives. 
Im not gonna lie, 
I totally love the idea. 

I have a hard time starting better habits when I don't have a "starting point." 
I know a lot of you can relate because we hear it all the time:
"Starting my birthday i'm not going to…."
"After Christmas no more…"
"Starting whatever day i'm going to start…"

It's like setting yourself up for a 1, 2, 3, JUMP

Almost 8 months ago I decided to pack up and drive across the country with my dog and my boyfriend. 

Matthew didn't have a job, we didn't have a place to live… we just did it. 

We packed up our tree house in less than 12 hours, just the two of us. 

We barely scraped up enough time and money for a Penske truck, 

it was an adventure, that's for sure. 

We used walky-talkies to talk to each other about the days of corn fields we were driving through.. passing off the cigarettes at every gas station... then at night we would stay in some random hotel and sneak in our, then 50 pound, german shepherd/pit bull mix, who.. oh yah! has severe anxiety issues. I think ranger really grew as a person on that trip. 

On the last day we wasted no time at the continental breakfast… we were out of there. I remember it was raining and I was so mad we didn't stop at the state line.. THE ONLY ONE I DIDN'T GET A PICTURE OF…

Ranger was all over me, crying at the cows we were passing by…

Through everything I heard Matthew's voice coming through the walky-talky, "We made it babe." 

New Years Eve this year…

We went to a CSU basketball game that was just awesome. Seriously, it was one of those really close call the whole entire time games. And everyone was so into it! I'm glad the guy behind me was mediating everything his baby boy was doing on the court, I successfully followed the entire game! I was also surrounded by the best company a girl could ask for. I hadn't laughed that much in a long time.

There was a big win and then the game was over, 

as we were leaving I noticed all these girls dressed up in their NYE attire and thought about what i was wearing, I wasn't even wearing mascara... I couldn't help but to think about how many times I left a basketball game and went straight out to the bar after to dance with friends.. I really miss that. 

I miss being a college student...

There is a fine line between "teen" and "adult" and it's called a college student. 

When we got home I got so mopey about being grown up and hating it! Sometimes it's hard to be so responsible all the time.. it's exhausting. 

Matthew started talking about the bittersweetness in living in so many different places. He explained to me how his friendship with his high school friends and his friendship with his college friends were two totally different things, but equally important to him.. and if he would've stayed in High Point he would  more than likely only have that relationships with those friends. Thats the beauty of living in so many different places. 

I think I would've been in the same boat. 

I will never regret moving anywhere because of all of the amazing people I have met along the way. I mean, people that have changed my life and have been a part of it ever since then. I'm so appreciative to have had the opportunity to meet these people. 

SO anyway, 

Matthew and I were in the process of cleaning out the liquor cabinet and I got all upset because I wasn't getting all dressed up to go out.. 

…but why not?

This was mine and Matthew's fourth New Years Eve together. 

I was a little disappointed that we weren't anywhere super cool and exciting like we have been before… but after a beer or two I guess it didn't matter where we were going. Of course it was 11:40 by the time we left the house but we made it!

We ended up going to this place downtown called the Sports Station. This bar used to be an old train station, it's right on the tracks! As soon as we walked in we were getting bumped into by all these drunk people, obviously in their own world. We made it to the back where the bar was and squeezed into this little table with no stools. 

I wish I could describe the feeling of this place. It's the perfect size with these friendly bar tenders that are just hilarious, it's like one of those bars that you would see on a TV show, everyone was definitely considered a regular. Hug and kisses all around! 

About 5 minutes til midnight I asked Matthew what his favorite part of 2014 was. I started to think of my best moment while he was thinking and then we both kinda said "the road-trip out here." 

When the ball was about to drop, everyone stopped what they were doing and counted down the new year in unison. It was the most amazing thing i've ever been a part of. I couldn't stop laughing just because everyone around me was so happy… it made me so happy! After the kisses died down, "Don't stop believing" by Journey comes on… THE WHOLE ENTIRE BAR STARTED SINGING. I was so overwhelmed with the feeling of home and belonging. In that moment I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. 

Loveland, Colorado

Maybe that's why people make resolutions on New Years, it's a starting point the whole country is in on. We're all in it together! 

It's inspiring when we all come together and do something good for ourselves. And good for us for cheering others on in the process. 

A couple years ago I, Matthew and I were in Italy for New Years and I decided I wanted to run my first half marathon in April. I had the registration up on the computer, ready to go. We talked about how much training I would have to do and how hard it would be to run in the cold…Well, since that half marathon, i've ran 5 more… It was a crazy sounding thing in the beginning but before long, those crazy impulsive goals became a reality.

I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do differently this year. I wanted it to be simple and realistic, something I could actually stick to effortlessly... 

Yesterday I was reading Facebook and I saw something about someone successfully finishing last year's resolution to run 365 days straight. 

I thought about this all day long today… it was haunting me all day at work. Something was just telling me I need to do it. This challenge would definitely not be simple, and it's not very realistic. But something in me lit up about it.

I came home and talked to Matthew about it and at first he thought it was crazy… but asked me if I was serious and then told me to go put my shoes on. 

If you're reading this blog, thank you, it's a compliment that I could keep you interested this long.  But more than likely it's because you have some kind of interest in my life. 

So, I'm going to use this blog to stay accountable through this journey. 

Also, I will try to use my Jawbone app, so if you got one for Christmas, let's be teammates! 

I understand that committing to running for 365 days in a row is absolutely crazy sounding. 

I understand that it gets cold in Colorado in the winter. 

I understand they make clothes for that. 

I also understand that 88% of new years resolutions end with failure. 

I'm not planning for that. 

I'm going to be keeping track of the miles, just to see.. I'll be posting my runs on here as often as I can. 

I know this is crazy, y'all! But i'm really excited about the challenge. 

If you feel like joining, you don't have to tell anyone or post it anywhere, just get up and run. 

Make it your personal thing. 

Running often has been a time when my mind just completely focuses on God. I'm surrounded by his beauty, releasing endorphins, and I can't help but to be so thankful for my life and everyone in it. I'm thrilled to see where the next 365 days takes me on my journey with Christ. 

i ran today:

1/365

It was freezing cold, maybe around 20, my face hurt, there was a lot of snow. They have a law here that you have to scrape your sidewalks within 24 hours of a snow storm-- thank you people for doing that! At first I thought it was ridiculous but today I was so thankful! The air felt great after warming up,   I was excited to be out running again. Matthew and Ranger were right behind me. :) 

Why buying bigger jeans made me fall in love with my body again

We all have those jeans that we've been holding on to since freshman year; the ones with the tears from that one night and the ones with just enough wiggle room in the most appropriate spots, the ones that made us feel like the hottest girl in the room that one friday night,.. the ones we compare ourselves to as the years go by.. the same ones that tell us when we need start eating more salads.. because why? because everyone wants to still be that girl.

In high school I didn't really notice my size, I just ate pizza rolls and ran track with every body else.

 Probably my second year of college is when I became a little self-conscious. All of a sudden compliments from others evolved around body parts. Such as, "Oh my gosh, you have the nicest calf muscles" "wow, your arms are so perfect" "I wish i had thighs like yours." It was until this point in my life that I even thought twice about a certain muscles shape or definition.

Anyway, then I discovered beer.

I wouldn't say I gained the average 15 pounds but I definitely wasn't my 17-year-old athletic self. I moved in with my boyfriend and frequently ate from a snack machine. Even still, I wore the same jeans.

After a series of typical traumatic college events, in addition to a few keggers and the munchies,  I started running long distance.
I started out just running a few miles at a time, walking in between. Then, After consistently running away from school work, my job, my current heart break, the runs were getting longer and longer.
I ran 5 half-marathons during this time... I was always running...
I became vegetarian and really changed my whole lifestyle.
I was known as "the healthy one."

Of course my confidence level went sky high and I felt really great about myself.
I could still fit in those same jeans, and you know what, I made them look damn good.

My fifth year of college is when things started slowing down again. My best-friend/running partner moved back home, I was starting an internship and full-time school schedule, I don't know what happened but my activity level plummeted. I went on occasional long runs emotionally inspired by some kind of drawn out argument.. I ate every now and then, but boy...did I drink. Matthew would have a glass of wine in the freezer waiting for my arrival almost every night. We fell asleep on the couch in the living room more often than not, ate a lot of leftovers for breakfast, and always did things in a hurry.

There were a few short periods when I would go into hardcore workout mode. I was very strict on my diet and work-out regimen. No short cuts. No cheat days. It worked for a little while, but nothing realistic.

You can imagine my self-esteem at this time was incredibly low. I would stare at myself in the mirror for hours thinking that would somehow change something. I was obsessing over pictures of other girls, envying their body parts like I had felt victim of before. There was only one thing that I held on to as a reminder of my actual size, those size 2 jeans.

Before I knew it, I was graduating college and packing up my life in a Penske truck to move across the country. What began was a long road of adjusting to (stressful) full time jobs, paying double for our rent everything, and all the while getting to know our brand new surroundings.

Then the girls from work invited me to go to happy hour.

Happy hour is a magical thing, people.
Happy hour is the silver lining at the end of the 8-hour tunnel.

At this time in my life, happy hour was every hour, every day.
Sometimes we would order an appetizer, sometimes we'd just order a shot of tequila. There wasn't a whole lot of balanced meals.

Shamefully, i'm here to admit that I even had an occasional cigarette.
Even worse, I liked it.

Those jeans made an appearance to a few Saturday nights and even the occasional Sunday brunch ;)

Even now I go through these little hard core health spurts.. thinking a week in the gym will fix a summer of binge drinking.. I step on the scale and get pissed that I didn't lose ten pounds over night.

I felt uncomfortable in everything I wore (except in maxi skirts and sweatshirts),
I felt like I always needed to adjust myself and it was annoying.
I avoided wearing pants to work because I felt tight and bloated by the end of the day.

I still felt like I needed to "fix" something.
Here comes another spurt--I went on crazy hard core diets, stopped drinking completely, and started taking supplements,
Constantly checking the mirror for results,
This was not happiness, it was the exact opposite.

I was so stressed out trying to be perfect.. trying to be like the girls I was so jealous over, It was like I was just completely disgusted with myself over things I couldn't change.

I started thinking back on it and it occurred to me that the times in my life when I looked my healthiest was when I didn't give a damn! 

I ran around outside and went on hikes and enjoyed little runs on saturday mornings.. I never obsessed about the shape of my biceps or constantly compared myself to the sports illustrated girls, I just did it because it made me happy to do it. I loved myself enough to know who I was on the inside, I didn't need to make all this effort to show it on the outside. 

So that's where i'm at now.. not giving a damn.  Well, I can say i'm trying. 
I still try to avoid processed food and care about living a healthy lifestyle, 
i've just learned that i have to start from within.

For the first time in 6 years, I bought bigger jeans. 

'Free' is the best word I could think of to describe this feeling.

I danced around in my closet for about 5 minutes to make sure nothing would fall out anywhere. If you try on a pair of jeans and they can withstand a whole round of 'Drop it like it's hot' LADIES-- we have found a winner. 

No muffin top! YAY! Who knew?! Moms every where have known the secret to hiding a belly this whole time-- the answer is 'mid rise.'

The whole point of this thing is that we have got to make ourselves happy first ladies- we have to be nice and kind to ourselves. 

Believe it or not, what we tell ourselves causes more damage than what anyone else tells us. 
Remember that. 

Also, we need to relax. 
We need to learn to take breaks from things that are harmful to us. 
For example, if you know visiting 'just one' page for 'just a second' will leave you feeling guilty for pigging out with the family that morning, don't do it. Recognizing what makes you feel bad and learning to avoid it is key to getting your self confidence back. 

What comes in is a product of what goes out. 
Keep your thoughts bright, positive, and encouraging. 

This new year, something I want to work on, is finding a routine. I would love to find the perfect balance of working out and having a social life. I want to run simply for the love of running. I miss that feeling. 

Not all of us can eat clean and work out 24/7, find the right combination of everything that works for you. It is way too easy to get discouraged and burn yourself out. 

Plus, I could never give up beer. 

Besides, If all else fails, 
Just buy bigger jeans. 

lololove

an adjustment.

So i realize that my last post sounded pretty negative. 
I went to bed and thought about it for a while...
I, myself, have been pretty negative. 

I think when you move to a new place you go through these different stages of emotion. 

1.
The first stage is the moving in stage-
you're excited because you're in a new town and you don't know where anything is and everything is new... you're just happy. 

2.
The second stage is the adjustment phase. 
You're slowly getting to know the street names and the people you work with, 
you get invited to happy hour and you're in on the gossip. you're still pretty happy.

3.
The third stage is the "what the hell am i doing" phase. 
This is where all the fun starts. This is when it sets in that this whole moving across the country thing is for real. There's no going back now.. you're a little more sad, depressed, pissed off than happy. You start to look at old pictures and stalk your buddies on facebook.. 

you just all of a sudden wish you could go back to where you were. 

It's a terrible feeling. 
it's like you start to hate the people you miss the most, just because there's no way of being with them, it's unexplainable. 

4.
The fourth stage is the "be where you are" stage.
There is no way to ever be happy in life if you always wish you were doing something else. 
I don't care if you move every other week or if you've never moved at all...

you absolutely have to find happiness where you are. 
Something... anything counts. 
Find a new secret spot or try out a brand new restaurant. 

it's perfectly fine to have ambitions and goals to move to a new town. that's different. 

but to get to where you want to go, you must begin with where you are. 

Anyway,
so now i think i'm in between the third and fourth stage. 
I miss my friends a lot, but i'm starting to see the beauty in this little town. 

I think it helps that i've started riding my bike to work every day. 
There's just something about being the transmission behind your own transportation, 
on your bike, YOU ARE THE BOSS, and you can go places you just can't with a 2-ton can of steel attached to you. 

In the morning I get to just be there, driving downtown, everyone just waking up..  and I have to be fully aware of everything around me.
or i'll die. seriously. 

But for real y'all... it's like a dog with it's head out the window, 
it's freedom. 

My job was really getting me down. 
It just wasn't what I expected it to be...
but then I realized,

it  is  what  you  make  it. 

I had to put everyone else's negative comments aside and make up my own. When you're starting somewhere new, it's so easy to formulate your own opinion based on someone else's. 

You absolutely have to start fresh, just like everything else when you move. You have to start with blank walls and an empty closet. Eventually, you take on your own perception of what's going on around you and before you know it, you've made the place your own. 




by the way,

.....I found my skirt :) 

23

So today marks another year of survival. 
I can't help but to think about this time last year and who I was spending it with..

I guess it was pretty ironic to spend this day with these people...

we don't even talk anymore. 

.......My best friend won't talk to me anymore. 

You know, one thing i've learned is that when you choose to love someone, you also choose to lose someone. Although it's not always purposeful to lose them, sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes you push them away without even knowing. 

we're all just trying to survive I guess. 

Side note-

I just realized that skirt is missing and it was one of my favorites.

DAMN IT. DON'T EVER LET LITTLE GIRLS WEAR YOUR CLOTHES. YOU WILL NOT GET THEM BACK. 

Anyway, 

I'm in Colorado.. like for good. not for vacation. 

I'm sorry- all I want to do is look for that skirt......

I started to write tonight because I couldn't sleep. I'm just overwhelmed with sadness and I can add missing my skirt to the list of things I'm just kinda pissed off about. 

It's hard to be away from your friends and family, I think I put on a pretty good act pretending it doesn't really bother me, y'all...it really does bother me. I have a brand new niece who I probably won't meet until she's 6 months old. I have a mother who is struggling to make it through the weekend and spends every single day alone. Most of the conversations I have these days are still 'getting to know each other' talk... I miss being surrounded by people who know every little thing about you and gosh, they still freaking love you. 

Tomorrow, or today... is my birthday. It's that one day a year when we get to celebrate the birth of ourselves, our own existence.. it's my day. 

But, in today's life- Tomorrow is also Tuesday which means it's the start of the long-haul work week. It's a day for me to catch up from my weekend off and to prepare for all of the meetings I have on Wednesday, there are other things... 

My birthday used to mean going to see the blue angels at the beach, sunburns, and eating unlimited amounts of ice cream cake. It used to mean playing in the front yard and visits to grams house. 

Man, things change so fast. At that time I wanted to be where I am now too.. If I could write a letter to my younger self in two words it would say:

s l o w  d o w n

I am beyond appreciative for my job, really... I AM!

But why so fast? Why did I have to start my life-long career so fast....

I wish I would've traveled or just ran away in general. All this responsibility really stresses me out. Like, it wears me down like a pencil you've had since 6th grade. 

And it's not like i'm married or have children.. 

I haven't jumped on that wagon quite yet, I can't even imagine how those people must feel because growing up hurts. It physically hurts. (but if you've met the right person and you are so much happier and secure with them than you were without them- have at it.)

I'm ONLY 23 years old. 

Every day I surround myself with people in their 90's and there is so much to learn. Like right now, we should not have it all figured out. Where is the fun in that...

And then there's so much pressure to be skinny and to exercise all the time. GAH. Honestly, it kind of makes me mad to add something else to my to-do list but I feel most like myself when i'm being active and doing something for myself for once. YES- WHEN YOU CHOOSE TO EXERCISE AND BE PHYSICALLY HEALTHY YOU ARE DOING YOURSELF A FAVOR. But why does looking good have so much stress and anxiety behind it? 

Last week, after a very long series of unfortunate events, I threw my phone on the floor and it broke. I went to Verizon and they couldn't replace it.. I had to call a 1-800 number and file a claim and maybe a new one would come in the mail within the next 4 days. I spent a lot of time without facebook, instagram, tumblr, twitter, whatever else there is... I don't think I took any pictures.. I was just present in the moment I was in at that time and it felt good. I wasn't constantly looking out for likes on my newest selfie, I wasn't stalking some girl I don't even know but find myself extremely envious of, I was just where I was and that felt good. 

There is a lot of pressure to be visually satisfying to people these days.. there's a ton of weight on my shoulders to be approved of  and that really pisses me off. 

How did we get this way? 

How do we stop it? 

Being mindful is one thing I want to work on this year. 

Some people wait until January 1st to make resolutions, I say i'm going to start now. 

It's been ridiculous how much time and energy I have wasted on other people. 

It's also extremely ridiculous that I haven't put more into myself. 

Somehow I feel like I lost my way, is it possible to lose yourself while you're trying to find yourself? I don't even know.. 

One thing I do know is that all this time, God has come through for me. 

Religion may not work for everyone, actually-- I know it doesn't work for everyone. 

But if you want to talk to someone who it does work for, here i am. 

I was laying in bed crying because I was too anxious to go to sleep and nothing would help. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and something in my heart said "it's time to rest, Rachel, it's time for you to rest." I know that i'm going to get through this stressful period, I mean, if ever you think you're not- look where you are now. You are where you are because you have survived every awful thing that has ever happened to you. 

Anyway, back on Jesus. 

The most beautiful thing about a relationship is that no one understands it but you. 

Just because I don't preach to people at good will or attend a church regularly does not mean that I don't have an extremely intimate, passionate relationship with Christ. My job is to serve others and without the love of god I would be completely lost. I may get extremely overwhelmed with paper work and all the corporate ways of a business... but ultimately I just really love people and at the end of the day, that is the skill that I have to use to be successful. 

My relationship with christ is that voice in my heart that always brings me back. It reminds me of who i am when i don't remember. 

I wish people were more concerned with the love they share then the crap coming out of their mouths. 

I think I feel ok enough to go to sleep now-

To my friends: not one day goes by that I don't reflect on how much i will always love you. It actually hurts me to love you so much. One thing we can all keep in mind is that even though something isn't together that used to be, doesn't mean it's completely fallen apart. If that makes any sense...

we're all just trying to make it. 

don't forget to love them through it. 

my hair is red again...

It seems like every time i'm out here my heart feels at home.. 

I feel like myself. 

I always ending up having red hair and running a lot. 

This summer is extra special because it's the first one Matthew and I have ever spent together in the years we've been together. Summer is usually my time to grow, his time to grow, our time away, our time to ourselves,. My time to go somewhere different and really figure out who I'm supposed to be, I can say it's always been the same for both of us. 

This time, 

I moved. 

I moved my whole life across the country to live in my place of retreat and peace. 

We moved, we moved together. 

I started my career. 

Wow. 

I can't believe I just said that. 

But- I started the job I spent all those years in college learning how to have. 

You know what college taught me? Nothing but how to go to school.

College definitely taught me how to be a professional student--- Not social worker, how do you really prepare for that, anyway? Maybe actually being a social worker is different than what you learn about being a social worker. There is no formula to solve someones problems; there is no book to teach you how to approach someone you've never met that's in the process of dying, that shit is instinct.

Your skills are a combination of your morals and how you accept the opposite of that.

You have to figure out who you are, now. right then.  

I not only started my career, but i moved across the country. 

There are times when it feels like it's just another summer in Colorado, but then I realize this is the real deal- all of my clothes are here and I won't be going back to Cullowhee in August.

Do you realize how scary that can be sometimes?

I think the idea of permanence scares me.

On the bright side, 

Things seem to be getting better every day. 

I keep in mind all the positive things that are happening,

my garden is growing, there are less boxes, I know how long it takes me to get to work, I know where NOT to get my hair done,  I know where the plates are in the kitchen, I can get home without the GPS, I know where the closest liquor store and target is, 

it's a miracle. 

You never know what you're capable of until you put yourself in that situation.

I never believed in my whole life that I could move across the country. I just feel so mixed between blessed and confronted..

Ok, I think it's time to mention (again) the 'he' to our 'us'..

Matthew Montgomery is pretty great.

Like my new career, 

 Every day is a new adventure, a new hurdle, a new growing point... whatever you want to call it. 

I learn something new everyday. 

Matthew teaches me something I never intended on learning on a daily basis. It's usually something about trees or geography but it goes so much further than that. 

He's a person who doesn't easily reveal himself and you have to pay attention to the small things if you want to really know who you're talking to. How special is it to meet someone and five years later you are still trying to figure out who they are. 

I'm attracted to the people who never stop questioning...

The people who don't settle for what everyone else thinks, 

the people who explore and really get to know themselves.

Man, that is attractive. 

I just deleted and keep on deleting little rants or explanations related to the things that have really annoyed me lately... 

all I want to say is that I want people who teach love to  practice love. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Matthew is wonderful,

he makes me think and sometimes go crazy,

but he also makes me feel worth it. 

Which makes 'us' feel worth it. 

It's been a roller coaster but at the end of the day, 

I'm so happy to be where I am. 

I have learned that I have to start acknowledging my accomplishments, 

.....or I will get insecure and start having anxiety attacks on the way to work when really I know I am fully capable. 

Yah, sometimes, I get so insecure about how crazy I think I am, that it turns out i'm convincing them, not defending myself.

Anyway, Colorado has had lots of positive things... 

Matthew and I have the pleasure of actually growing together this summer. 

We continue to learn what we need from each other and we actually have the opportunity to do it in the same zip code!