It seems like every time i'm out here my heart feels at home..
I feel like myself.
I always ending up having red hair and running a lot.
This summer is extra special because it's the first one Matthew and I have ever spent together in the years we've been together. Summer is usually my time to grow, his time to grow, our time away, our time to ourselves,. My time to go somewhere different and really figure out who I'm supposed to be, I can say it's always been the same for both of us.
This time,
I moved.
I moved my whole life across the country to live in my place of retreat and peace.
We moved, we moved together.
I started my career.
Wow.
I can't believe I just said that.
But- I started the job I spent all those years in college learning how to have.
You know what college taught me? Nothing but how to go to school.
College definitely taught me how to be a professional student--- Not social worker, how do you really prepare for that, anyway? Maybe actually being a social worker is different than what you learn about being a social worker. There is no formula to solve someones problems; there is no book to teach you how to approach someone you've never met that's in the process of dying, that shit is instinct.
Your skills are a combination of your morals and how you accept the opposite of that.
You have to figure out who you are, now. right then.
I not only started my career, but i moved across the country.
There are times when it feels like it's just another summer in Colorado, but then I realize this is the real deal- all of my clothes are here and I won't be going back to Cullowhee in August.
Do you realize how scary that can be sometimes?
I think the idea of permanence scares me.
On the bright side,
Things seem to be getting better every day.
I keep in mind all the positive things that are happening,
my garden is growing, there are less boxes, I know how long it takes me to get to work, I know where NOT to get my hair done, I know where the plates are in the kitchen, I can get home without the GPS, I know where the closest liquor store and target is,
it's a miracle.
You never know what you're capable of until you put yourself in that situation.
I never believed in my whole life that I could move across the country. I just feel so mixed between blessed and confronted..
Ok, I think it's time to mention (again) the 'he' to our 'us'..
Matthew Montgomery is pretty great.
Like my new career,
Every day is a new adventure, a new hurdle, a new growing point... whatever you want to call it.
I learn something new everyday.
Matthew teaches me something I never intended on learning on a daily basis. It's usually something about trees or geography but it goes so much further than that.
He's a person who doesn't easily reveal himself and you have to pay attention to the small things if you want to really know who you're talking to. How special is it to meet someone and five years later you are still trying to figure out who they are.
I'm attracted to the people who never stop questioning...
The people who don't settle for what everyone else thinks,
the people who explore and really get to know themselves.
Man, that is attractive.
I just deleted and keep on deleting little rants or explanations related to the things that have really annoyed me lately...
all I want to say is that I want people who teach love to practice love.
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Matthew is wonderful,
he makes me think and sometimes go crazy,
but he also makes me feel worth it.
Which makes 'us' feel worth it.
It's been a roller coaster but at the end of the day,
I'm so happy to be where I am.
I have learned that I have to start acknowledging my accomplishments,
.....or I will get insecure and start having anxiety attacks on the way to work when really I know I am fully capable.
Yah, sometimes, I get so insecure about how crazy I think I am, that it turns out i'm convincing them, not defending myself.
Anyway, Colorado has had lots of positive things...
Matthew and I have the pleasure of actually growing together this summer.
We continue to learn what we need from each other and we actually have the opportunity to do it in the same zip code!
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