the day I remembered

It's another rainy Saturday morning in Colorado. 
I spent all Friday night scrubbing the house from the top floor to the bottom-

-tomorrow is moving day. 

Not for me, but for her. 

Tomorrow I am getting a new roommate; her name is Dakota, and I met her on Craig's list. 

This house on 2nd Street has never been so clean. I've probably taken at least three trash bags of clothes and two car loads of boxes to goodwill. 

Man, it feels good to get rid of stuff!

Honestly I probably went overload. 
Once I decide I don't want something, I have to get rid of it right then or else that's how I still end up with dresses I wore in 10th grade or eating way more french fries than planned. 

That's when I found myself emotionally driving over to Good will. I was the girl slamming down boxes all wine drunk yelling at the guy in the blue vest "Just take it! Just take it all!" 

He said it happens all the time, so, here's to those other girls out there sorting through their shit! 

I'll probably regret it when I go to cook pasta and realize I have given away my favorite pot and strainer. Oh, well. 



I've been making a few drastic changes in my life these days…
Well I guess not really by choice, just the dramatic fate of circumstance. 
(Some people still call that choice, I have learned.) 

If you were to ask me a year ago how I pictured my life would be today, I would describe it as the exact opposite of my life right now. Life has it's weird way of bringing people in and out of our lives. 
And to say that these entrances and exits are unexpected is the understatement of the year. 

I remember when God was speaking to me over a year ago about the changes I needed to make in my life. You know, when we kick the dirt and hesitate to have faith and make these changes, he's gonna make them for you. And you know what? It's gonna hurt. 

Imagine if we never hesitated to follow our hearts, 
imagine if we all did what we knew was right, the first time we felt it. 

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that God is the ultimate decision maker in my life, always has been. No one knows what your heart needs like the one who created love itself. 

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that God doesn't want people to be broken hearted, he cries when you cry, he feels pain when you feel pain; God wants us to have faith in him, he wants us to believe in a future we can't yet see. 

But here I am, debating on putting that whiskey I found in the freezer in my coffee. It's 10:00am. 

The house is so empty, it's like living in a fancy art museum with one painting on the wall. When I was showing the house to rent, people thought I was moving out! 

I'm starting my third year in this house.. My third year in Colorado. 

In my closet I have made an inspiration wall, it's the usual inspo stuff: pictures of places i've been and still want to see, quotes from songs and magazines, pictures of family and friends. I look at it every single day while i'm getting ready for work, talking on the phone or putting on PJs.. all the time. 

Before I go on, I just want to remind people in case they've forgotten how sentimental of a person I am.  I hold on to everything.. In my wallet right now you will find one of those paper bands that holds a fork and napkin together with "Peg Leg Pete's" on it. It's from the last time I went home and had a date with my dad. He gave it to me. 

Every time I scrounge around for something to put my gum in I grab that and I just can't throw it away.

So any way, back to my wall. 

After looking at this wall every day, I couldn't help but to notice a few select things that kept sticking out to me, not in a good way. Pictures that once made me instantly happy began to make me feel sad and a little bitter, that little "I love you" note that used to make me smile no matter what, made me think "What if I would've done this.. what if that?" I would look at them and fixate the whole time, completely distracting me from the good things. 

Before I knew it, my inspiration wall was doing the exact opposite of it's design. It was making me question where I'm at in life and where I think I should be. It was too much for me to deal with. 

 I was 17 minutes late for work that day because I had to take those pictures down right then and there. 

Don't get me wrong, I paid my respect to those pictures. I got out a fancy pen and wrote down places and times they were taken, maybe something special about that day. I looked at them all very closely and had good thoughts about every single one.

And then I shoved them in a box under my bed, not to be opened again for a long, long time. 

Man, It feels so good to get rid of stuff! 

Now I look around and all I can see is b l a n k space. New space. A fresh space for something else. 

The last few months have been different for me. 
There was a point when it felt like I had lost everything at once. 
My roommate/really good friend moved out, my boyfriend and I broke up…
It was rough! I was angry and yelling at everyone.. I was short tempered at work and I was really sad. 

The worst part about wearing your heart on your sleeve is that everyone can see it. I'm not one to hide behind my emotions, I'm typically a really happy person. It's completely obvious when something ain't right. There was one morning I remember in particular feeling this way. I was driving back to my house from housesitting and that song came on.

You know the song i'm talking about. That song that makes you stop breathing for a second. That song that puts you on autopilot and forces you to relive every moment lived out with that song. God I just cried and cried. 

What am the fuck am I doing? Why do I feel this way? What am I going to do about it? 

Just then, I heard God speaking to me. I remembered the story of Job in the bible. (Y'all, I haven't been to church in years) but.. Satan told God that if he tested Job's integrity and faith in him, Job would give up and turn against him. Job was left with nothing…. and when he was in his deepest, darkest misery, he still had faith. When he lost loved ones, his livestock, his own health.. he chose love anyway. It's not like God was just silently watching by, he was there for Job. He kept telling Job to hold on a little while longer, He kept reminding Job of the love he had for him, his unfailing love that never leaves. And you know what happened? Job still chose love because he knew at the end of the day that's all he needed to get him through.

I hope to be more like Job. 

I know in my life personally, I feel closest to God when I'm in misery. Of course, just like a child, I come running home when something doesn't go my way. 

In my car that morning, I felt the presence of God. I felt him telling me, "Rachel, you have got to pick yourself up. You have got to get yourself up off the floor. Everything you have been through has led you to here. Pick yourself up, You can do this." 

I thought about that time I ran for 386 days in a row and how many miles and hills I had to conquer in order to move forward. I just cried.

I felt God reminding me, "I have made you strong so you can face tomorrow, GET UP." 

I remembered. I remembered the clarity that love for yourself brings to you. I remembered that I deserve more. I deserve happiness.. I deserve to feel the grace that has been given to me. 

He's not done with me yet. 

I am Rachel Lehmann. 
I am the only person who gets to decide what that really means. 

God has a future for me, a life planned for me that I couldn't come close to planning myself. Hell,  I can't even plan for next weekend. Now when I  catch myself feeling sad, looking around at the blank spaces, I picture what it could be. I picture what and who could live in those spaces now that I have cleaned out the things that… I know aren't right for me right now. 

Ahh.. the power of positivity. 

The way we look at things can literally change our lives. 

Find the beauty in the blank spaces, 
Have faith in the changes happening in your life.

Tomorrow is the start of another brand new beginning. 

Stay positive, friends.

  

76/365

There are a lot of times when I hesitate writing because I don't know where or how to start.

That's when I realized, that's the hard thing about starting something new…
You have to start right where you are. 
Start with your hands shaking. 
Start with your knees buckling. 
Start with tears coming down your face. 

Just start.

Life is full of choices,  
They say that the hardest thing and the right thing are often the same…

When the moment comes, when you have to make a choice, you'll know. 

It's like once your heart and brain agree on what choice to make and once your thoughts finally diffuse into one, your body goes into survival mode. It's like God's way of protecting your heart against what is about to come at you. 

I don't know about you, but I feel like in this moment is when an overwhelming numbness falls over my body. It's hard to explain- 



You are focused. You are still. You are ready.

When the other person starts talking, you are not afraid. 
You are tuned in to what they are saying.. listening, understanding. 
For once…. you're understanding. 

When you respond, you speak from your heart. 
Voice filled with love, because well, that's all that's left. 

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“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

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Matthew and I just sat and looked at each other in silence for a long time.
Somehow we both knew what we had to do, we could see it in each other. 
I smiled at him, he smiled back at me.  

Matthew was my soul mate, I guess I can say he still is and probably will always be. 
He was everything I had on my list: healthy, southern, artistic, funny, athletic, really damn good looking… he could practically fix anything around the house or on my car. His smile. Dear Lord, when that boy smiles… 

More than that, Matthew made things seem possible. He was the voice of courage that always had my back. He pushed me to do things I never would've thought myself capable of and he held my hand the entire way. We traveled and experienced things that I will never forget. We talked and planned of running away to somewhere far away to indulge in a completely different world.. we wanted that for each other. Our love was deep.. and we fell in head first. Who wouldn't? 

As perfect as everything was, as comfortable as we had become, there was still a voice telling us that we are meant for something greater, that God isn't quite finished with us yet. Matthew and I have so much to learn and so much left to experience in our lives. We aren't even 25 and we expected ourselves to have it all together.

We aren't angry, we don't have any regrets. 
We appreciate each other and our relationship. 
For years we shared a love that we always planned on lasting for forever, 
and you know what? It always will. I will always love Matthew and there will always be a place in my heart for him and this special time in our lives. 

I'm sitting on my sun porch, watching the neighbors walk by, with Ranger at my side begging to go play.. It seems like just yesterday Matthew and I were walking up the front steps for the first time. I remember how it smelled the first time we walked in… I could never forget that smell. Cigarettes masked by new carpet. Strangely comforting. 

I can't believe we've been in Colorado for almost a year now. 
Where does the time go? It's always way too fast. 

I wanted to write this blog because when I can control the words coming out I somehow understand everything so much better.. I wanted to share this blog because I want to encourage people to not be afraid to take the next step in their life. I know it's so easy to feel stuck and like there is no other way but there is a l w a y s another way. The people that really love you will understand and support you, even if it means not being with them. 

Of course it hurts. 
Any time you invest your heart in something you are risking getting hurt, that's the point. 
But try to remember what you gain in the relationship is so much bigger than that. 

Trust me y'all.. It's 3:00 in the afternoon on St. Patrick's Day and i'm already in pajamas listening to sad country songs, I think we've all figured out by now that nothing in life comes, or goes, very easy. 

Stay positive and think of the unknown ahead of you. 
Trust the little voice, trust the pain, trust what you went through to get where you are. 

Rejoice always. 

"ready to fly, you and I, here we go…" 

Going home

Before I begin my rant on life.. 
Let me update you on my 365 project. 

Running every day has felt overall awesome. 
But let me tell you, i think I am seriously in for a rude awakening because, YES. IT HAS BEEN HARD AND IT'S ONLY DAY 15. 

There have been some nights that i've just been like…

Like, I really really really didn't want to. 
Buuuuut, I have to say-- Once I did it…. I was so glad I did. 
those endorphins…. they'll getcha. 

 01/10/15

As soon as I woke up I called Sage and begged him to take me to the beach. Why does it take so much convincing for people to go to the most beautiful place in the world? Anyway, i'm glad he lives right door to me, made it a lot easier :) We rolled down the windows of his little sports car and let the morning roll in… it's an indescribable feeling. Happiness.

It feels so good to spend time with an old friend. 

You know what else was really freakin awesome? Being at the beach. Salt water is an amazing thing… 

Today I took my shoes off, rolled up my pants, and ran as hard and far as I could with my feet just barely in the water, pushing off from the sand from every step… 

it's true, saltwater really does heal everything. 

01/11/15-

Today I was running.. I was just running forever and all over the place, not really having a destination in mind. I didn't know when or how to stop.. I couldn't stop. It was like no matter what direction I went, something was always in my damn way. 

I am currently working on varying my pace throughout my run. 

Like, sometimes I fall and bust my ass on the ice and have to stop for a minute, 

but then I try to keep going…

I can't wait until I don't have to run like a penguin in fear of my face being busted.  

I am excited it's been two weeks, buuut i'm really reallllly looking forward to week #3. 

They say 21 days makes a habit.. I'm praying to God that one's true. 

I've had some people ask me about just how healthy it is to run 365 days in a row… to be honest, it's probably not. But I just want to clarify, I'm not doing any hard core training or trying to lose any weight or trying anything in any way. I'm simply just running. I'm not exhausting myself or my muscles every single day. It doesn't take much to go outside and jog for 15 minutes. That's the beautiful thing about running, you just have to get up and do it. 

That being said, to keep myself motivated, I am working on some interval training. I've never been able to interrupt my pace once i've started a race. I would like to practice recovering my breathing after a sprint and into a long haul. 

I'm about to rant about life (mine in particular): 

As you may know, I recently took a trip home to the sunshine state. 
There is something weird about going home.. 

I haven't been home since my grams passed away. Let's just say that this time I was a little nervous. 
You always have this vision in your head of what home is going to be like.. because it's always been that way. It's home. 

This time was different.  Actually, now that I think about it, 
every time I go home is different. When you leave home, you don't really think about life continuing after you're gone. It's weird..I mean, of course you know your friends get jobs or when they're graduating, but you don't well, I'm sorry, I don't*, keep up with who is hanging out with who and doing what and where and blah blah blah… 

So when you get there.. it's a little different. You have to learn who everyone is in conversations, and you have to be introduced to people, I don't even know where the hell I am most of the time,… it's not as "homey" as you pictured. But you know, we have to think about ourselves and how much has happened to us in the past year, HOLY COW, of course we don't know everything! 

I'm so proud of all of my friends, I can't even put it into words. 
I'm always so excited to see where life has brought them since i've seen them last. 

I just want to take a second to say that your family isn't always made up of people you share DNA with, this is a lesson i've had to learn the hard way.. 

I just want to thank all of the people that have been brought into my life and have stayed there. 

Thank you for consistently answering the phone when I call (even though you haven't heard from me in months), thank you for supporting me no matter how far away it may take me, thank you for always reminding me of your love, thank you for encouraging me when I probably should have been encouraging you.. and thank you for being proud of me when I say I want to run 365 days in a row, which is sounding more crazy the more days that go by. 

You people are my family. 

You know who you are….

You're the people who've been brought to my life by some rare circumstance or a marriage, or random elective class, or through another friend we don't know what happened to or whatever,

I just want to thank y'all for making our relationships so loving and encouraging. 

I don't know where I would be without you all

OKAY I'LL STOP BEING MUSHY. 

Sweetwater 420

What a better place to update y'all on my 365 project process than sitting in the Atlanta airport drinking one of my favorite beers… next to 3 middle aged men talking about another guy who generously offered to cary his wife's hot pink vera bradley bag. Im sitting here thinking I know damn well if these men had a hot momma asking them to carry her bag they would bow down and flaunt it proudly.

The last few days have been great! I haven't really had much of a struggle, the opposite of what I anticipated. 
Y'all-- I really can't stand running in the snow. It's the resistance of sand with the slickness of an oil spill. And it seems like only when hot guys are letting me cross the road do I almost fall but sorta-not-really gracefully catch myself. 

But, as promised---

At first I was a little discouraged because my pace wasn't the fastest in the world, and then I haven't been going very far… but then I was thinking about it and if I make the effort to change clothes in the middle of my work day to go run 3 miles in the snow, i'm ok with that!

I have to interrupt to just say- I freakin love the airport. 

i'm nervous for this trip home.. It's going to be a challenge to get all my runs in. I'm usually pretty involved with social activities. It will be nice to take at least 20 minutes a day to myself. And it's supposed to be sunny! 

It's the people that make me worry about being here.. I haven't talked to my mom in at least 6 months. She's usually my go-to girl. I won't have a car.. my friends all have crazy girlfriends and jobs (thank goodness). 

So, y'all just wish me luck and I promise I'll post something more inspirational tomorrow. 
:) 

New Year, New Everythaaaang

Oh, New Years……
It really brings about a different spirit in people. 

Now people are actually encouraged to make some kind of positive change in their lives. 
Im not gonna lie, 
I totally love the idea. 

I have a hard time starting better habits when I don't have a "starting point." 
I know a lot of you can relate because we hear it all the time:
"Starting my birthday i'm not going to…."
"After Christmas no more…"
"Starting whatever day i'm going to start…"

It's like setting yourself up for a 1, 2, 3, JUMP

Almost 8 months ago I decided to pack up and drive across the country with my dog and my boyfriend. 

Matthew didn't have a job, we didn't have a place to live… we just did it. 

We packed up our tree house in less than 12 hours, just the two of us. 

We barely scraped up enough time and money for a Penske truck, 

it was an adventure, that's for sure. 

We used walky-talkies to talk to each other about the days of corn fields we were driving through.. passing off the cigarettes at every gas station... then at night we would stay in some random hotel and sneak in our, then 50 pound, german shepherd/pit bull mix, who.. oh yah! has severe anxiety issues. I think ranger really grew as a person on that trip. 

On the last day we wasted no time at the continental breakfast… we were out of there. I remember it was raining and I was so mad we didn't stop at the state line.. THE ONLY ONE I DIDN'T GET A PICTURE OF…

Ranger was all over me, crying at the cows we were passing by…

Through everything I heard Matthew's voice coming through the walky-talky, "We made it babe." 

New Years Eve this year…

We went to a CSU basketball game that was just awesome. Seriously, it was one of those really close call the whole entire time games. And everyone was so into it! I'm glad the guy behind me was mediating everything his baby boy was doing on the court, I successfully followed the entire game! I was also surrounded by the best company a girl could ask for. I hadn't laughed that much in a long time.

There was a big win and then the game was over, 

as we were leaving I noticed all these girls dressed up in their NYE attire and thought about what i was wearing, I wasn't even wearing mascara... I couldn't help but to think about how many times I left a basketball game and went straight out to the bar after to dance with friends.. I really miss that. 

I miss being a college student...

There is a fine line between "teen" and "adult" and it's called a college student. 

When we got home I got so mopey about being grown up and hating it! Sometimes it's hard to be so responsible all the time.. it's exhausting. 

Matthew started talking about the bittersweetness in living in so many different places. He explained to me how his friendship with his high school friends and his friendship with his college friends were two totally different things, but equally important to him.. and if he would've stayed in High Point he would  more than likely only have that relationships with those friends. Thats the beauty of living in so many different places. 

I think I would've been in the same boat. 

I will never regret moving anywhere because of all of the amazing people I have met along the way. I mean, people that have changed my life and have been a part of it ever since then. I'm so appreciative to have had the opportunity to meet these people. 

SO anyway, 

Matthew and I were in the process of cleaning out the liquor cabinet and I got all upset because I wasn't getting all dressed up to go out.. 

…but why not?

This was mine and Matthew's fourth New Years Eve together. 

I was a little disappointed that we weren't anywhere super cool and exciting like we have been before… but after a beer or two I guess it didn't matter where we were going. Of course it was 11:40 by the time we left the house but we made it!

We ended up going to this place downtown called the Sports Station. This bar used to be an old train station, it's right on the tracks! As soon as we walked in we were getting bumped into by all these drunk people, obviously in their own world. We made it to the back where the bar was and squeezed into this little table with no stools. 

I wish I could describe the feeling of this place. It's the perfect size with these friendly bar tenders that are just hilarious, it's like one of those bars that you would see on a TV show, everyone was definitely considered a regular. Hug and kisses all around! 

About 5 minutes til midnight I asked Matthew what his favorite part of 2014 was. I started to think of my best moment while he was thinking and then we both kinda said "the road-trip out here." 

When the ball was about to drop, everyone stopped what they were doing and counted down the new year in unison. It was the most amazing thing i've ever been a part of. I couldn't stop laughing just because everyone around me was so happy… it made me so happy! After the kisses died down, "Don't stop believing" by Journey comes on… THE WHOLE ENTIRE BAR STARTED SINGING. I was so overwhelmed with the feeling of home and belonging. In that moment I knew I was exactly where I needed to be. 

Loveland, Colorado

Maybe that's why people make resolutions on New Years, it's a starting point the whole country is in on. We're all in it together! 

It's inspiring when we all come together and do something good for ourselves. And good for us for cheering others on in the process. 

A couple years ago I, Matthew and I were in Italy for New Years and I decided I wanted to run my first half marathon in April. I had the registration up on the computer, ready to go. We talked about how much training I would have to do and how hard it would be to run in the cold…Well, since that half marathon, i've ran 5 more… It was a crazy sounding thing in the beginning but before long, those crazy impulsive goals became a reality.

I thought long and hard about what I wanted to do differently this year. I wanted it to be simple and realistic, something I could actually stick to effortlessly... 

Yesterday I was reading Facebook and I saw something about someone successfully finishing last year's resolution to run 365 days straight. 

I thought about this all day long today… it was haunting me all day at work. Something was just telling me I need to do it. This challenge would definitely not be simple, and it's not very realistic. But something in me lit up about it.

I came home and talked to Matthew about it and at first he thought it was crazy… but asked me if I was serious and then told me to go put my shoes on. 

If you're reading this blog, thank you, it's a compliment that I could keep you interested this long.  But more than likely it's because you have some kind of interest in my life. 

So, I'm going to use this blog to stay accountable through this journey. 

Also, I will try to use my Jawbone app, so if you got one for Christmas, let's be teammates! 

I understand that committing to running for 365 days in a row is absolutely crazy sounding. 

I understand that it gets cold in Colorado in the winter. 

I understand they make clothes for that. 

I also understand that 88% of new years resolutions end with failure. 

I'm not planning for that. 

I'm going to be keeping track of the miles, just to see.. I'll be posting my runs on here as often as I can. 

I know this is crazy, y'all! But i'm really excited about the challenge. 

If you feel like joining, you don't have to tell anyone or post it anywhere, just get up and run. 

Make it your personal thing. 

Running often has been a time when my mind just completely focuses on God. I'm surrounded by his beauty, releasing endorphins, and I can't help but to be so thankful for my life and everyone in it. I'm thrilled to see where the next 365 days takes me on my journey with Christ. 

i ran today:

1/365

It was freezing cold, maybe around 20, my face hurt, there was a lot of snow. They have a law here that you have to scrape your sidewalks within 24 hours of a snow storm-- thank you people for doing that! At first I thought it was ridiculous but today I was so thankful! The air felt great after warming up,   I was excited to be out running again. Matthew and Ranger were right behind me. :)