an adjustment.

So i realize that my last post sounded pretty negative. 
I went to bed and thought about it for a while...
I, myself, have been pretty negative. 

I think when you move to a new place you go through these different stages of emotion. 

1.
The first stage is the moving in stage-
you're excited because you're in a new town and you don't know where anything is and everything is new... you're just happy. 

2.
The second stage is the adjustment phase. 
You're slowly getting to know the street names and the people you work with, 
you get invited to happy hour and you're in on the gossip. you're still pretty happy.

3.
The third stage is the "what the hell am i doing" phase. 
This is where all the fun starts. This is when it sets in that this whole moving across the country thing is for real. There's no going back now.. you're a little more sad, depressed, pissed off than happy. You start to look at old pictures and stalk your buddies on facebook.. 

you just all of a sudden wish you could go back to where you were. 

It's a terrible feeling. 
it's like you start to hate the people you miss the most, just because there's no way of being with them, it's unexplainable. 

4.
The fourth stage is the "be where you are" stage.
There is no way to ever be happy in life if you always wish you were doing something else. 
I don't care if you move every other week or if you've never moved at all...

you absolutely have to find happiness where you are. 
Something... anything counts. 
Find a new secret spot or try out a brand new restaurant. 

it's perfectly fine to have ambitions and goals to move to a new town. that's different. 

but to get to where you want to go, you must begin with where you are. 

Anyway,
so now i think i'm in between the third and fourth stage. 
I miss my friends a lot, but i'm starting to see the beauty in this little town. 

I think it helps that i've started riding my bike to work every day. 
There's just something about being the transmission behind your own transportation, 
on your bike, YOU ARE THE BOSS, and you can go places you just can't with a 2-ton can of steel attached to you. 

In the morning I get to just be there, driving downtown, everyone just waking up..  and I have to be fully aware of everything around me.
or i'll die. seriously. 

But for real y'all... it's like a dog with it's head out the window, 
it's freedom. 

My job was really getting me down. 
It just wasn't what I expected it to be...
but then I realized,

it  is  what  you  make  it. 

I had to put everyone else's negative comments aside and make up my own. When you're starting somewhere new, it's so easy to formulate your own opinion based on someone else's. 

You absolutely have to start fresh, just like everything else when you move. You have to start with blank walls and an empty closet. Eventually, you take on your own perception of what's going on around you and before you know it, you've made the place your own. 




by the way,

.....I found my skirt :) 

23

So today marks another year of survival. 
I can't help but to think about this time last year and who I was spending it with..

I guess it was pretty ironic to spend this day with these people...

we don't even talk anymore. 

.......My best friend won't talk to me anymore. 

You know, one thing i've learned is that when you choose to love someone, you also choose to lose someone. Although it's not always purposeful to lose them, sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes you push them away without even knowing. 

we're all just trying to survive I guess. 

Side note-

I just realized that skirt is missing and it was one of my favorites.

DAMN IT. DON'T EVER LET LITTLE GIRLS WEAR YOUR CLOTHES. YOU WILL NOT GET THEM BACK. 

Anyway, 

I'm in Colorado.. like for good. not for vacation. 

I'm sorry- all I want to do is look for that skirt......

I started to write tonight because I couldn't sleep. I'm just overwhelmed with sadness and I can add missing my skirt to the list of things I'm just kinda pissed off about. 

It's hard to be away from your friends and family, I think I put on a pretty good act pretending it doesn't really bother me, y'all...it really does bother me. I have a brand new niece who I probably won't meet until she's 6 months old. I have a mother who is struggling to make it through the weekend and spends every single day alone. Most of the conversations I have these days are still 'getting to know each other' talk... I miss being surrounded by people who know every little thing about you and gosh, they still freaking love you. 

Tomorrow, or today... is my birthday. It's that one day a year when we get to celebrate the birth of ourselves, our own existence.. it's my day. 

But, in today's life- Tomorrow is also Tuesday which means it's the start of the long-haul work week. It's a day for me to catch up from my weekend off and to prepare for all of the meetings I have on Wednesday, there are other things... 

My birthday used to mean going to see the blue angels at the beach, sunburns, and eating unlimited amounts of ice cream cake. It used to mean playing in the front yard and visits to grams house. 

Man, things change so fast. At that time I wanted to be where I am now too.. If I could write a letter to my younger self in two words it would say:

s l o w  d o w n

I am beyond appreciative for my job, really... I AM!

But why so fast? Why did I have to start my life-long career so fast....

I wish I would've traveled or just ran away in general. All this responsibility really stresses me out. Like, it wears me down like a pencil you've had since 6th grade. 

And it's not like i'm married or have children.. 

I haven't jumped on that wagon quite yet, I can't even imagine how those people must feel because growing up hurts. It physically hurts. (but if you've met the right person and you are so much happier and secure with them than you were without them- have at it.)

I'm ONLY 23 years old. 

Every day I surround myself with people in their 90's and there is so much to learn. Like right now, we should not have it all figured out. Where is the fun in that...

And then there's so much pressure to be skinny and to exercise all the time. GAH. Honestly, it kind of makes me mad to add something else to my to-do list but I feel most like myself when i'm being active and doing something for myself for once. YES- WHEN YOU CHOOSE TO EXERCISE AND BE PHYSICALLY HEALTHY YOU ARE DOING YOURSELF A FAVOR. But why does looking good have so much stress and anxiety behind it? 

Last week, after a very long series of unfortunate events, I threw my phone on the floor and it broke. I went to Verizon and they couldn't replace it.. I had to call a 1-800 number and file a claim and maybe a new one would come in the mail within the next 4 days. I spent a lot of time without facebook, instagram, tumblr, twitter, whatever else there is... I don't think I took any pictures.. I was just present in the moment I was in at that time and it felt good. I wasn't constantly looking out for likes on my newest selfie, I wasn't stalking some girl I don't even know but find myself extremely envious of, I was just where I was and that felt good. 

There is a lot of pressure to be visually satisfying to people these days.. there's a ton of weight on my shoulders to be approved of  and that really pisses me off. 

How did we get this way? 

How do we stop it? 

Being mindful is one thing I want to work on this year. 

Some people wait until January 1st to make resolutions, I say i'm going to start now. 

It's been ridiculous how much time and energy I have wasted on other people. 

It's also extremely ridiculous that I haven't put more into myself. 

Somehow I feel like I lost my way, is it possible to lose yourself while you're trying to find yourself? I don't even know.. 

One thing I do know is that all this time, God has come through for me. 

Religion may not work for everyone, actually-- I know it doesn't work for everyone. 

But if you want to talk to someone who it does work for, here i am. 

I was laying in bed crying because I was too anxious to go to sleep and nothing would help. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and something in my heart said "it's time to rest, Rachel, it's time for you to rest." I know that i'm going to get through this stressful period, I mean, if ever you think you're not- look where you are now. You are where you are because you have survived every awful thing that has ever happened to you. 

Anyway, back on Jesus. 

The most beautiful thing about a relationship is that no one understands it but you. 

Just because I don't preach to people at good will or attend a church regularly does not mean that I don't have an extremely intimate, passionate relationship with Christ. My job is to serve others and without the love of god I would be completely lost. I may get extremely overwhelmed with paper work and all the corporate ways of a business... but ultimately I just really love people and at the end of the day, that is the skill that I have to use to be successful. 

My relationship with christ is that voice in my heart that always brings me back. It reminds me of who i am when i don't remember. 

I wish people were more concerned with the love they share then the crap coming out of their mouths. 

I think I feel ok enough to go to sleep now-

To my friends: not one day goes by that I don't reflect on how much i will always love you. It actually hurts me to love you so much. One thing we can all keep in mind is that even though something isn't together that used to be, doesn't mean it's completely fallen apart. If that makes any sense...

we're all just trying to make it. 

don't forget to love them through it. 

my hair is red again...

It seems like every time i'm out here my heart feels at home.. 

I feel like myself. 

I always ending up having red hair and running a lot. 

This summer is extra special because it's the first one Matthew and I have ever spent together in the years we've been together. Summer is usually my time to grow, his time to grow, our time away, our time to ourselves,. My time to go somewhere different and really figure out who I'm supposed to be, I can say it's always been the same for both of us. 

This time, 

I moved. 

I moved my whole life across the country to live in my place of retreat and peace. 

We moved, we moved together. 

I started my career. 

Wow. 

I can't believe I just said that. 

But- I started the job I spent all those years in college learning how to have. 

You know what college taught me? Nothing but how to go to school.

College definitely taught me how to be a professional student--- Not social worker, how do you really prepare for that, anyway? Maybe actually being a social worker is different than what you learn about being a social worker. There is no formula to solve someones problems; there is no book to teach you how to approach someone you've never met that's in the process of dying, that shit is instinct.

Your skills are a combination of your morals and how you accept the opposite of that.

You have to figure out who you are, now. right then.  

I not only started my career, but i moved across the country. 

There are times when it feels like it's just another summer in Colorado, but then I realize this is the real deal- all of my clothes are here and I won't be going back to Cullowhee in August.

Do you realize how scary that can be sometimes?

I think the idea of permanence scares me.

On the bright side, 

Things seem to be getting better every day. 

I keep in mind all the positive things that are happening,

my garden is growing, there are less boxes, I know how long it takes me to get to work, I know where NOT to get my hair done,  I know where the plates are in the kitchen, I can get home without the GPS, I know where the closest liquor store and target is, 

it's a miracle. 

You never know what you're capable of until you put yourself in that situation.

I never believed in my whole life that I could move across the country. I just feel so mixed between blessed and confronted..

Ok, I think it's time to mention (again) the 'he' to our 'us'..

Matthew Montgomery is pretty great.

Like my new career, 

 Every day is a new adventure, a new hurdle, a new growing point... whatever you want to call it. 

I learn something new everyday. 

Matthew teaches me something I never intended on learning on a daily basis. It's usually something about trees or geography but it goes so much further than that. 

He's a person who doesn't easily reveal himself and you have to pay attention to the small things if you want to really know who you're talking to. How special is it to meet someone and five years later you are still trying to figure out who they are. 

I'm attracted to the people who never stop questioning...

The people who don't settle for what everyone else thinks, 

the people who explore and really get to know themselves.

Man, that is attractive. 

I just deleted and keep on deleting little rants or explanations related to the things that have really annoyed me lately... 

all I want to say is that I want people who teach love to  practice love. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

Matthew is wonderful,

he makes me think and sometimes go crazy,

but he also makes me feel worth it. 

Which makes 'us' feel worth it. 

It's been a roller coaster but at the end of the day, 

I'm so happy to be where I am. 

I have learned that I have to start acknowledging my accomplishments, 

.....or I will get insecure and start having anxiety attacks on the way to work when really I know I am fully capable. 

Yah, sometimes, I get so insecure about how crazy I think I am, that it turns out i'm convincing them, not defending myself.

Anyway, Colorado has had lots of positive things... 

Matthew and I have the pleasure of actually growing together this summer. 

We continue to learn what we need from each other and we actually have the opportunity to do it in the same zip code! 

It's time

I honestly cannot believe I haven't written since AUGUST. 
I've thought about it and considered it... but i honestly am waiting on the perfect inspiration.
Right now, I'm searching for the inspiration. I'm almost asking for it. 

I'm about to graduate college, 
when I started this blog I was just starting! crazy...

My dad has given me an ultimatum...
I either go to grad school or... that's it. I have to go to grad school.
It's not that I don't want to go, I just wish I didn't have so much pressure to get there. 

It's crazy... 
leaving the home you've created for yourself to start another one. 
But, I guess it's time. 

Lately I've been in such a funk. 
I just don't feel completely right about anything... really, anything.. 

Someone I love very much told me that I don't inspire them anymore. 
I haven't been able to recover ever since. 

It's amazing how one statement can make you question everything..
It made me re-evaluate myself and how I feel about myself, it's taken a lot for me to get off the floor and feel good again. 

I want to be ok with myself, I want to be proud of myself and not depend on approval from others, 
God thats so hard. 

Anyone that really knows me knows that I have an independent streak a country mile wide..
Once you strike it... i'm gone. 

That's my struggle right now. 
Should I stay or should I go?

It seems like no one I talk to really understands it. Whether I'm talking to my mom or my best friend, no one really knows what i'm feeling, they just assume. This is the point when I need to look deep down in my heart and see what it says. 

You're the only one that knows exactly how you feel, it's important to not get it mixed up with someone else's desires for you. 
Your dreams are your own and they're the only ones you'll ever have. 

Don't wait for someone to tell you it's ok, 
Don't wait for someone to follow you... 
just go. 

I don't know why I keep ignoring God's voice inside me. 
Maybe i'm scared to go where he tells me to go, to do what he wants me to do, 
maybe i'm afraid of losing things along the way. 

Show me how to love the unloveable, show me how to reach the unreachable. 


Wellllllllll, 
I guess thats all for now, 
Maybe ill get in the groove soon. 

this summer

This summer was different than the last few summers, 
I think I learned more than I originally expected.
I gained more than I lost, 
but Oh I did lose... 

This summer my character was challenged and questioned,
it was picked apart and torn open, 
my heart was out on the table, left vulnerable for anyone who wanted to take a stab. 

This summer I figured out exactly who I am, 
I don't think I've ever been more confident. 

I thank YOU for that. 

There are going to be people that you meet that don't understand you,

they don't understand how you think or why you think that way. 

They don't understand what you're heart is about, it may even frustrate them that you are the way that you are. 

There's going to be people that put down your accomplishments,

they question your abilities and put themselves in front of you. 

You know what I have to say about that?

Let them.

 Let those people challenge you and let them see who you really are. 

Make them think twice about your reactions, 

because those people that are questioning you? 

They're really questioning themselves. 

Y'all... I really love my dog. 

It's hard not to get caught up in everyone else, 

it's hard to put your emotions aside and really look at the bigger picture. 

Just remember: 

If it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you. 

Speaking of challenges,

Yesterday I faced one of the biggest challenges of my life!

I rode my bike 54 miles. 

 

There were definitely times that I wanted to cry and call it quits, 

I even had to walk my bike up a gravel hill, 

----

Who the hell plans a road bike race with 20 miles of gravel road? 

----

Anyway, my quads were cramping, the wind was blowing, 

But, I made it. 

It's true, if you believe you can do it, 

you will do it!

Challenge yourself. 

(I even got to meet some pro's!)

Be proud of yourself and have confidence in your own abilities,

don't question yourself when people are questioning you. 

Have the confidence you know you have, just be you.

home.

Above all powers
Above all kings
Above all nature
And all created things
Above all wisdom
And all the ways of man
You were here
Before the world began

Above all kingdoms
Above all thrones
Above all wonders
The world has ever known
Above all wealth
And treasures of the earth
There's no way to measure
What You're worth

Crucified
Laid behind a stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
y o u  t o o k  t h e  f a l l
And thought of me
Above all

Above all powers
Above all kings
Above all nature
And all created things
Above all wisdom
And all the ways of man

You were here
Before the world began.

Remember when you used to sing those words and believe in them with all of your heart? 

Remember when you had a burning passion for something unconquerable and gave thanks for your broken heart? Remember when your cure to loneliness was just a prayer away and you had unmeasurable strength to help you fight your battles? 

Remember when your happiness didn't depend on something you could lose?

In the depths of everyone's hearts is a place that they consider home for them. 
It's that place they run to when things get hectic and even scary.

For me, my home is a place in my heart that I often don't remember, sometimes, I even try to forget about. But this is the place that in complete utter darkness... shines at the end of the tunnel. This is the place i'm constantly running towards, yearning to be a little closer to. The place that breaks you open and reminds you of who you are.. 

I know some people are hesitant of the idea of Religion,
and you know... I'm strong enough to say good for them. 
You should question it, 
you should rip it apart and see what it's made of, 
explore it, ignore it, whatever...
That's what I did, and now.. 

...I'm telling you, my relationship with God has saved my life more than once. 
I am more sure than ever that this is what's right for me.

I have never felt more emotionally involved with anything in my life, 
I have never felt more in touch with my heart and what I wanted for myself. 

It's more than going to church on Sunday or reading your bible every other night,
it's a relationship filled with love, grace, hope, and a future.
It's a safe place you can always count on, it will always be yours. 
I t  w a s  m a d e  f o r  y o u. 

This is the the place I call home.

Lately I have felt so lost, 
like i'm living someone else's completely different life. 

My life without God doesn't feel like life at all,
it feels numb and emotionless. 

I have spent the last few years going new places,
meeting new people and doing different things... experiencing college... 

It's not a bad thing, that's what this time in our life is for. 
It's to make mistakes and to learn from them,
it's about opening your mind to every idea, every experience, every decision, 
in hopes that one day you may know exactly what you want. 

It's about having everything, and then losing it. 
It's about putting your heart back together, making it stronger every time. 
It's about seeing what you're really made of. 

This time in our life is for us to decide where we want to call home. 

Who says I can't be free, 

from all the things that I used to be, 

rewrite my history,

who says I can't be free

breathe it in, breathe it out, 

let it all in, let it all go.