some times we don't want to, we just have to.

I have faith in things that I cannot see.
I have hope in my future and the plan that God has for me.
I believe that I am meant for bigger things, 
things bigger than me or anything that I could imagine.

I refuse to stop and wait for anyone, 
this life is mine and I have to treat it that way.  

Every day I am going to move forward and keep my head toward the sky,
knowing that whatever is behind me is meant to be there because it got me where I am. 

You gave me your last words,

now watch me run away with them.

 Today is a different day,

it's a better day, a stronger day. 

Today I believe in myself more than I ever believed in us. 

I'm thanking God for that kind of strength. 

He always knows what I need, 

exactly when I need it. 

Today I can close my eyes and see past your smile. 

I can see my own. 

Today is a new beginning, 

a beginning to a brand new kind of journey. 

Today I feel happy for all that i've been through, 

I feel happy for knowing your love,

it once was what completed me. 

Your love is what has given me the strength to move on. 

Your love has done so much for me...

I want to hold on to this feeling,

I want to bottle it up in a jar and save it for later. 

Lord knows the days to come are going to be a challenge. 

I have to keep on believing that the feeling of optimism is stronger than regret. 

I have to keep a smile on my face, careful not to grow bitter. 

always look in front of you.

God,

Please help me make my heart a happy place for you to live. Help me every day to believe in the plans you have for me, because I know they are far more greater than the plans I can make myself. Help me to keep a loving heart, for those I have loved and for those still left to come. Please give me a sense of understanding and companionship on the lonely nights, knowing that the path we walk together will be more fulfilling than the others. Lord when I feel insecure and in doubt of my capabilities, 

help me see myself the way you do.

-Rachel 

haha, think what you want but this song is my power song when I'm running. 

It just makes me have the feeling of looking forward to this love, 

Some day I am going to be a woman that a man can be proud of. 

Someone who knows that i'm not perfect, but who believes that i'm worth it. 

when that day comes, 

it will be simply amazing. 

oh child, things are gonna get easier

There comes a point when we just have to let it go,

if they wanted to stay,

they would still be here. 

It's time to make yourself happy again,

it's time to breathe easier,

it's time for your heart to repair itself.

Tell yourself, 

You're going to be ok.

You are stronger than you think you are.

trust yourself and your instincts,

trust your strength.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you, tell you I need you

Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets, and ask me your questions

Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles, coming up tails

Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science, science and progress

Don't speak as loud as my heart

And tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles, chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

It's hard to think of how much you've been through when you're going through what you're going through now. 

Keep on holding on.

I promise to sing to you when all the music dies

You heard my voice I came out of the woods by choice
Shelter also gave their shade
But in the dark I have no name

So leave that click in my head
And I will remember the words that you said
Left a clouded mind and a heavy heart
But I was sure we could see a new start

So when your hope's on fire
But you know your desire
Don't hold a glass over the flame
Don't let your heart grow cold
I will call you by name
I will share your road

But hold me fast, Hold me fast
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer
And hold me fast, Hold me fast
'Cause I'm a hopeless wanderer

It's that feeling you get when you're in the middle of a dream,

then you wake up.

you're startled because all of a sudden,

you don't know where you are. 

deep breath.

you wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

I love take off,

I love hearing the engines getting louder and stronger,

when your stomach tells you you're being lifted in the air..

I love the feeling of rising above.

Rising above the storm and chaos from below...

Suddenly just gliding over a sea of clouds. 

it's just Peace.

My dad always told me:

"Don't ever let your heart grow cold." 

When we go through struggles it's hard to remember that.

It's hard to not be angry at yourself, the other person, or the situation we're in. 

Truth is,

we control what we want our mind to think.

And i think, I think this all starts with your heart. 

Look at your heart,

It needs to be a safe place for you.

Your heart is the core of your body,

where your life itself comes from. 

Let's make it beautiful.

Time has brought your heart to me. I have loved you for 1,000 years, i'll love you for 1,000 more.

I made it. 

I made an entire 8 weeks without a drop of caffeine. 

As an addict, I never thought I could! It took an entire 5 weeks for it to get completely out of my system. I couldn't believe how long the process took. 

People with addiction have one of the hardest struggles imaginable.

Not only does it effect your daily life, it changes the chemistry of your brain.

Your brain is just fixed on what you want.

That's all it focuses on... and you can't do anything until you get what you want. You can't care about anything else except what you want. 

It's consuming and smothers your spirit. 

It makes you helpless and apathetic.

addiction is struggle. 

Through my journey, I stumbled upon my new favorite quote:

"The most common way people give up their power is by thinking that they don't have any."

-Alice Walker

When you don't feel like you are capable of change, of making yourself a better person, and really reorganizing your life, you won't.

Rarely can we be the things we can't see. 

If you don't imagine and believe yourself to be a better person, then you won't be. 

I think sometimes we have to go down to the bottom,

Sometimes you have to lose everything to see it all.

You have to look around. You have to gather all of the good things about yourself, Pick up all of your strengths, all of the little things you have left that make you happy... Then what?

You fight like hell for them. 

Right now...

my heart is full of regret. 

I regret not loving like I should.

I regret not being more considerate of others.

I just regret for not loving with my whole heart,

I regret giving someone a lesser version of myself. 

Because neither one of us deserve that. 

I have got to make a promise to myself right now that when love comes back around my way,

I won't be afraid of it. I won't run. I won't reject it. 

I have to embrace it and take care of it like it so wants to take care of me.  

you know what you're capable of.

believe it.

There comes a point when you have to tell yourself that you're going to be ok. 

you have to tell yourself that enough times that you actually start to believe it. You have to believe it with everything in your body. 

You have no other choice now.

Your heart hurts, 

you start think of everything you could have done different... 

you have to believe in bigger things, 

you have to believe in yourself.

You are not the mistakes you've made.

you have got to remind yourself of that. 

Don't let the past define who you are right now in this very moment. 

Just be here...

Just be in this moment as the best person you can be,

that's something you can't ever regret. 

It seems like every time I start to let go, I realize what i'm holding onto...
and I just can't. 

I hear stories of your smile, 
I hear stories of your frown...

Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me in the quiet, in the crowd?

God, 

 Please make my heart a peaceful place for you to live. 

It's a lazy Saturday morning, I couldn't ask for a better one. 
I'm not rushing to be at work, not rushing to get ready, not putting my tennis shoes on....

it's just me, pandora, and my decaf coffee.

Waking up slow...
There's a beauty to it. 

I think it's more of a state of mind. 
The state of just pure relaxation, no rushed thoughts, no anxieties...

Morning time is my favorite time of the day. 
It's motivating, new, blank, ....and it has the best food. 

It's when you decide what the rest of your day is going to be like, or not deciding.
You can make it whatever you want.
It's when everything is still. 

Still.... and so clear. 

I'm happy to say that I am kicking ass in school this semester. 

I haven't missed class, I haven't missed a homework assignment, I've passed every test. 

What you put into things, you get back.

I am focused, motivated.... and enjoying myself. 

I love going to class, 

I love what I'm learning about. 

I love my professors, 

I don't think I would be sane half the time without them. 

(3wks-- no caffeine! yay!)

I just feel like I am where I am supposed to be, I am exactly where I want to be. 

Slowly but surely every day a little piece of my heart falls back into place...

I can feel it. 

I am becoming who I want to be, 

who've I've been fighting to be. 

My soul is being lifted, my spirit flying away with it.

(Did I mention that I got a raise at work this week?) 

Like I said... KICKING ASS. 

In my Diversity class, we had an assignment called a "cultural artifact." The whole class brought in an object that represented their life; cultural influences, motivations, what has shaped them...

This is such a beautiful group of people. 

Forty strangers in a room telling their life stories. 

Opening themselves up to be vulnerable, revealing their scars... 

...The really ugly things that make them so beautiful. 

I don't think i've ever experienced anything like it. 

You never know what someone else is going through, 

we all are guilty of pre- assuming things about the person next to us. 

Well, at least I know I really am. 

We can't even compare who's got it worse...

whatever that person is going through is the worst thing thats ever happened to them; we all know how that feels. 

This class is teaching me how to love. 

How to love the people that I don't understand, how to love the things about myself I don't understand... 

I know it gets hard at times, but I am so happy to be in college. 

I am soooo happy to be constantly learning every day,

It makes me happy to be knowledgable.

It makes me proud of myself to know I'm moving forward.. so I can make this society a better place for at least one person. 

I'm so thankful for the opportunities that i've been given, 

and the opportunities that i've had to work for.

                      

"Ray, you just have so much left to give." 

I love you, Lo. 

#sisters

I 

Didn't

come

to 

college

to 

find

my

husband,

I

came

to

find

my

bridesmaid.

letters from Africa

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt, we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here

I went back and read the romance, 

I went back to see where we were... apart from how far we've come. 

I read you point out the best things about me from 8,200 miles away. 

You were encouraging and supportive. 

You were romantic and passionate about me, you,...us.

I guess you could say that you were in love.

"I love you, Rachel.
I don't think I say that enough.
Remember who you are and what you truly believe in before you do anything.  Most of the time it comes naturally, instinctively, but at times we are all lost. Remember who you want to be and what you dream to be, they can't lead you wrong.  I feel like you are going through some hard times now and I am suffering, because I am not there with you.
Let me leave you with, I love you."

Now, Here I am.

Giving you the best of me right in front of you, 

you question it. you question me. 

Maybe it's because from far away....

you only see what you want to see. 

You don't have a choice to put things into focus. 

Here I have one of the greatest human beings ever created right in front of me. 

He's someone that makes me believe there are still good people in this world. 

He's someone who I can sit and talk to for hours, about absolutely everything or nothing..

It's almost like the ways of the world haven't reached him yet, 

or maybe he's just successfully rejected them. 

I look at him and his entirety... 

his grace and love...

and then I turn away. 

Half of my heart wants that love and everything he has to offer. 

I really really do...

But then the other half of my heart wants something more...

Why? How is that possible?

Who else in the world makes a cognitive decision to be alone? 

Is it my fears or my ambitions that are holding me back? 

I still can't decide. 

"...I love that you can get through things with your head held high and always think about the good in things and especially people.  It's like you can look straight over the bad in anyone, which can be kind of scary for me at times...."

  -You only saw the best in me from far away.-

Here I am, and

There you are.

Just as simple as it should be. 

The how I cant recall

But im staring at

What once was the wall

Separating east and west

Now they meet admidst

The broad daylight

So this is where you are

And this is where I am

Somewhere between

Unsure and a hundred

Its hard I must confess

Im banking on the rest to clear away

Cause we have spoken everything

Everything short of I love you

You right where you are

From right where I am

Somewhere between

Unsure and a hundred

And who's to say its wrong

And who's to say that its not right

Where we should be for now

So this is where you are

And this is where I am

So this is where you are

And this is where ive been

Somewhere between 

Unsure and a hundred