at least right now I do.
Every time I sit down to write a blog,
I lose everything that I wanted to say.
I guess i'll just talk.
I met someone beautiful.
I met them and got to know them, and instead of being disappointed like I thought I would be,
my world caught on fire.
My dreams and desires came to life,
my heart suddenly knew a direction to go.
it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
And even through it all,
he still encourages me to go follow my dreams.
even through it all,
He is still fighting for me. He is fighting for me to succeed in life, because... he knows I can.
Every single day he pushes me to be more of myself without him...
and i'm still in awe.
I think that's what true love is.
When someone really wants what's best for you, even if it means they aren't by your side to watch.
When you can love someone from far away,
but still feel so close...
"I am going to be with you down the road. We might have to meet again someday, but you are the only one for me. I feel something with you that can make me crazy and I love it so much. Right now, I just don't know what to do. We are at times in our lives that could take us anywhere. No matter where that is, you're my girl, always. Babe, don't you worry about me because i'm not going anywhere."
<3
<3
<3
In this world, it is so easy to get things messed up.
And even still, those are some beautiful mistakes.
I'm taking an addictions class this semester.
This class has already changed my life.
Not only does it make you aware of what an addiction is, but it points out places in your life that the addiction can affect without even realizing it.
I have an addiction.
I have... a drug addiction.
In the beginning I really thought of every excuse in the book in order to not classify it as an addiction.
I really really didn't want to admit to myself that I'm one hair closer to being like my mother.
But I know what it is now, I uncovered it and faced it.
It's something that gets in the way of my every day life,
it's something that makes me lesser of a person,
or at least really makes me think I am lesser.
It impairs my relationships with people.
It impairs my thought processing,
it brings me down.
It oppresses my own strength and tells me that I can't...
When I KNOW I CAN.
It makes me not care... about anything.
And when I say not care, I mean really really not care.
I've already lost some awesome friendships because I just didn't care at the time.
It kills my ambition and tells me that I don't have to try.
It has killed my spirit. It has dragged it through the dirt and has convinced me that I am not worthy, or not good enough for so many things.
It makes me someone that I'm not.
Point is---
There's the drugs. And then there's the person.
I want to be the person.
I want to be me,
and I want to feel like I am someone that I can be proud of.
Some would say it's as easy as saying "No."
And for some, it just might be that easy.
But I know that for me it's not.
It's going to take something else for me to get through this,
something bigger than me because I can't do this on my own.
I've tried.
God is such a great part of my life, I know he has never left me. Ever.
I know that every lonely night or every sickening morning,
he's been there.
You just have to want the help.
Maybe that's what it was before,
I never really wanted it so it never worked.
Well, Lord.
Here I am.
I'm ready.
It was really a hard decision for me to write about this,
Just putting it out in writing makes me cry,
I think my way of dealing with this is...
holding you guys accountable.
The people that read this...
I just want you to know that I am struggling,
we all are.
And we all need help and encouragement.
Some people are sinking right in front of us, all they need is a hand to hold.
Be that hand. Be that random smile during the day. Be that open door.
I love you, Lauren.
Thank you for being my helping hand in the water,
my breath of fresh air,
my open door.
My new url is beautiful-disaster32
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