It's a lazy Saturday morning, I couldn't ask for a better one. 
I'm not rushing to be at work, not rushing to get ready, not putting my tennis shoes on....

it's just me, pandora, and my decaf coffee.

Waking up slow...
There's a beauty to it. 

I think it's more of a state of mind. 
The state of just pure relaxation, no rushed thoughts, no anxieties...

Morning time is my favorite time of the day. 
It's motivating, new, blank, ....and it has the best food. 

It's when you decide what the rest of your day is going to be like, or not deciding.
You can make it whatever you want.
It's when everything is still. 

Still.... and so clear. 

I'm happy to say that I am kicking ass in school this semester. 

I haven't missed class, I haven't missed a homework assignment, I've passed every test. 

What you put into things, you get back.

I am focused, motivated.... and enjoying myself. 

I love going to class, 

I love what I'm learning about. 

I love my professors, 

I don't think I would be sane half the time without them. 

(3wks-- no caffeine! yay!)

I just feel like I am where I am supposed to be, I am exactly where I want to be. 

Slowly but surely every day a little piece of my heart falls back into place...

I can feel it. 

I am becoming who I want to be, 

who've I've been fighting to be. 

My soul is being lifted, my spirit flying away with it.

(Did I mention that I got a raise at work this week?) 

Like I said... KICKING ASS. 

In my Diversity class, we had an assignment called a "cultural artifact." The whole class brought in an object that represented their life; cultural influences, motivations, what has shaped them...

This is such a beautiful group of people. 

Forty strangers in a room telling their life stories. 

Opening themselves up to be vulnerable, revealing their scars... 

...The really ugly things that make them so beautiful. 

I don't think i've ever experienced anything like it. 

You never know what someone else is going through, 

we all are guilty of pre- assuming things about the person next to us. 

Well, at least I know I really am. 

We can't even compare who's got it worse...

whatever that person is going through is the worst thing thats ever happened to them; we all know how that feels. 

This class is teaching me how to love. 

How to love the people that I don't understand, how to love the things about myself I don't understand... 

I know it gets hard at times, but I am so happy to be in college. 

I am soooo happy to be constantly learning every day,

It makes me happy to be knowledgable.

It makes me proud of myself to know I'm moving forward.. so I can make this society a better place for at least one person. 

I'm so thankful for the opportunities that i've been given, 

and the opportunities that i've had to work for.

                      

"Ray, you just have so much left to give." 

I love you, Lo. 

#sisters

I 

Didn't

come

to 

college

to 

find

my

husband,

I

came

to

find

my

bridesmaid.

letters from Africa

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt, we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here

I went back and read the romance, 

I went back to see where we were... apart from how far we've come. 

I read you point out the best things about me from 8,200 miles away. 

You were encouraging and supportive. 

You were romantic and passionate about me, you,...us.

I guess you could say that you were in love.

"I love you, Rachel.
I don't think I say that enough.
Remember who you are and what you truly believe in before you do anything.  Most of the time it comes naturally, instinctively, but at times we are all lost. Remember who you want to be and what you dream to be, they can't lead you wrong.  I feel like you are going through some hard times now and I am suffering, because I am not there with you.
Let me leave you with, I love you."

Now, Here I am.

Giving you the best of me right in front of you, 

you question it. you question me. 

Maybe it's because from far away....

you only see what you want to see. 

You don't have a choice to put things into focus. 

Here I have one of the greatest human beings ever created right in front of me. 

He's someone that makes me believe there are still good people in this world. 

He's someone who I can sit and talk to for hours, about absolutely everything or nothing..

It's almost like the ways of the world haven't reached him yet, 

or maybe he's just successfully rejected them. 

I look at him and his entirety... 

his grace and love...

and then I turn away. 

Half of my heart wants that love and everything he has to offer. 

I really really do...

But then the other half of my heart wants something more...

Why? How is that possible?

Who else in the world makes a cognitive decision to be alone? 

Is it my fears or my ambitions that are holding me back? 

I still can't decide. 

"...I love that you can get through things with your head held high and always think about the good in things and especially people.  It's like you can look straight over the bad in anyone, which can be kind of scary for me at times...."

  -You only saw the best in me from far away.-

Here I am, and

There you are.

Just as simple as it should be. 

The how I cant recall

But im staring at

What once was the wall

Separating east and west

Now they meet admidst

The broad daylight

So this is where you are

And this is where I am

Somewhere between

Unsure and a hundred

Its hard I must confess

Im banking on the rest to clear away

Cause we have spoken everything

Everything short of I love you

You right where you are

From right where I am

Somewhere between

Unsure and a hundred

And who's to say its wrong

And who's to say that its not right

Where we should be for now

So this is where you are

And this is where I am

So this is where you are

And this is where ive been

Somewhere between 

Unsure and a hundred

to be honest

To be honest...
To be honest with you, I am hurting.
My head hurts from crying most of the day, and my fingers are cold. 
To be honest with you, all i've had to eat is an orange and this glass of merlot. 
I feel sad. I feel loss. I feel you. 

To be honest, 
I didn't see this coming, 
When I take 5 steps forward, I fall 12 steps back. 

To be honest, 
I had to ask to leave work early because I couldn't keep it together. 
You're gone. You want nothing to do with me.  Because for once, we both admitted that was for the best. 

To be honest, 
It doesn't feel the best....
.... to watch you leave with no goodbye.. 
To be screaming your name in the driveway with no reply...

To be honest, 
I thought this is what I wanted. 
I thought it's what I already had...
But I see you everywhere. 
I see the best of you & me everywhere. 

To be honest..
sometimes i'd rather have our screwed up mess than nothing at all. 
to be honest, I take it all back. 

To be honest, 
I know i'm stronger than I feel right now. 
To be honest... I feel that way because...
You've told me so. 

To be honest, 
I can't stop thinking of your hand on my face...
telling me not to worry about a thing, 
but then I watched you drive away for the last time. 
hysterically worrying about everything in my life. 
Everything now without you.

To be honest...
I missed you before you even left. 
I miss our friendship and your support.

To be honest... 
I would love nothing more than to light it up right now. 
To smoke away the sight of your face and the feeling of you. 

To have just a moment to delay the misery, just a moment to be numb.
Just a moment...

But to be honest, 
There's a voice in my heart screaming out for me, 
and...  to be honest... it isn't you.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

-Jeremiah 29:11

I really like the Gavin DeGraw station on pandora...
at least right now I do. 

Every time I sit down to write a blog, 
I lose everything that I wanted to say. 

I guess i'll just talk. 

I met someone beautiful. 
I met them and got to know them, and instead of being disappointed like I thought I would be, 
my world caught on fire.

My dreams and desires came to life, 
my heart suddenly knew a direction to go. 
it was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

And even through it all, 
he still encourages me to go follow my dreams. 
even through it all, 
He is still fighting for me. He is fighting for me to succeed in life, because... he knows I can. 

Every single day he pushes me to be more of myself without him...
and i'm still in awe. 

I think that's what true love is. 
When someone really wants what's best for you, even if it means they aren't by your side to watch. 

When you can love someone from far away,
but still feel so close...

"I am going to be with you down the road. We might have to meet again someday, but you are the only one for me. I feel something with you that can make me crazy and I love it so much. Right now, I just don't know what to do. We are at times in our lives that could take us anywhere. No matter where that is, you're my girl, always. Babe, don't you worry about me because i'm not going anywhere."

<3

<3

<3

In this world, it is so easy to get things messed up. 

And even still, those are some beautiful mistakes. 

I'm taking an addictions class this semester.

This class has already changed my life. 

Not only does it make you aware of what an addiction is, but it points out places in your life that the addiction can affect without even realizing it. 

I have an addiction. 

I have... a drug addiction. 

In the beginning I really thought of every excuse in the book in order to not classify it as an addiction. 

I really really didn't want to admit to myself that I'm one hair closer to being like my mother. 

But I know what it is now, I uncovered it and faced it. 

It's something that gets in the way of my every day life, 

it's something that makes me lesser of a person, 

or at least really makes me think I am lesser. 

It impairs my relationships with people. 

It impairs my thought processing, 

it brings me down.

It oppresses my own strength and tells me that I can't...

When I KNOW I CAN. 

It makes me not care... about anything. 

And when I say not care, I mean really really not care. 

I've already lost some awesome friendships because I just didn't care at the time. 

It kills my ambition and tells me that I don't have to try. 

It has killed my spirit. It has dragged it through the dirt and has convinced me that I am not worthy, or not good enough for so many things. 

It makes me someone that I'm not. 

Point is---

There's the drugs. And then there's the person. 

I want to be the person. 

I want to be me, 

and I want to feel like I am someone that I can be proud of. 

Some would say it's as easy as saying "No." 

And for some, it just might be that easy. 

But I know that for me it's not. 

It's going to take something else for me to get through this, 

something bigger than me because I can't do this on my own. 

I've tried. 

God is such a great part of my life, I know he has never left me. Ever. 

I know that every lonely night or every sickening morning, 

he's been there. 

You just have to want the help. 

Maybe that's what it was before, 

I never really wanted it so it never worked. 

Well, Lord. 

Here I am. 

I'm ready. 

It was really a hard decision for me to write about this, 

Just putting it out in writing makes me cry, 

I think my way of dealing with this is...

holding you guys accountable. 

The people that read this... 

I just want you to know that I am struggling, 

we all are. 

And we all need help and encouragement.

Some people are sinking right in front of us, all they need is a hand to hold. 

Be that hand. Be that random smile during the day. Be that open door.

I love you, Lauren. 

Thank you for being my helping hand in the water, 

my breath of fresh air, 

my open door.