no comprehende

Im just going through the motions.

you're my favorite picture

I think the world is full of controversy. Well, duh, actually.
There is controversy and strong opinions every where you look.


I try not to look with pre-determined eyes, but clear eyes.

I really like post secret. 

I also really like that every thing happens for a reason.

Every minute of every day is another little segment of the grand whole picture. I love that the human body works this way.

We live, We learn.

I remember times in my life when I thought I was making a huge mistake. When you just have the feeling that you MESSED UP. Is there really such thing as a mistake? In the whole big picture, I don't really believe in mistakes. 

I just don't think we should judge people, 

I guess no one thinks we should judge people.

But it's so hard, well, for me anyway, to grasp that.

What people are going through in their life right now is just another pigment in their whole big picture.

Let's take it easy.

Every time I look around, it's in my face.

"Bongo Bango Bingo. This is the story of Congo they are telling now in America: a tale of cannibals. I know about this kind of story. The lonely look down on the hungry. The hungry look down upon the starving. The guilty blame the damaged. Those of doubtful righteousness speak of cannibals, the unquestionably vile, the sinners and the damned. It makes everyone feel so much better." 
-The Poisonwood Bible

It's an internal battle.

A battle between you and YOU. 

I think it's going to be the best war ever won.

wheeeeeee

This is me. 

This is me after:

-my roommate took off to Asheville with all of my luggage.

-finding a Miller Light  in my purse.

-still wearing the clothes that I wore all day yesterday, AND slept in.

-everyone around me decided to start smoking.

-me remembering we have no shower supplies in our apartment. but that wouldn't matter because  I don't even have clean clothes to put on.

-I introduced one too many people to New Belgium's Fat Tire.

-I remembered I have to go speak to the financial aid people. 

-discovering that I have grass stains on my knees. UNDER my jeans.

-after deciding that I was going to Mad Batter for breakfast.

Welcome back to Cullowhee.

Some where far, far, away....

is a smile that holds me together.

And today, I got to see it.

<3

a good start

I think the best mornings I have start out with a 6 mile run, a shower, then back in my PJs to cuddle up with some coffee. After a phone call with my mom, some eggs and toast, I'm ready to start my day. Don't forget to throw some Ray LaMontagne in there! 

My favorite trail to run is the power line trail. This trail is long and straight. On both sides there is high grass, and passed the high grass, a little city. I like this trail because it makes me feel like I'm in the middle of no where, but in the middle of everything at the same time. The one thing I hate about this trail is that grasshoppers are everywhere like the plague. There are millions and millions of grasshoppers. Mommas, daddys, aunties, grampies, whole entire colonies of grasshoppers. I'm sorry, but I HATE ending my run knowing that there are less grasshoppers in the world. Some people call this natural selection, I just call it sad. 
I just thought I would share my sympathy this morning. 

Tommy Emanuel

Tristan Prettyman

Look 'em up. 

This morning I woke up and felt bad. Technology finds ways to do that to you. You get on facebook, see something that really gets to you, and you think about it all day. Yah, I'll admit it. Facebook gets to me sometimes! I'm kinda known for deleting my facebook at least 3 times a year. I feel stupid when it starts getting to me, STUPID. I'm not that type of person, so...usually I just delete it. Problem Solved. :) Under the circumstances, I think i'm going to keep it. But definitely run more, think less, limit myself...

It's hard having faith in something you can't see. But there's that moment of clarity that you realize your faith is stronger now than it ever has been. There's that single moment that you smile and laugh because you know, you just know. Then you feel dumb for doubting. I may not be able to see it, but I can feel it. I can feel it from thousands of miles away. It may take 6 miles, 2 cups of coffee, and an hour long conversation with my mom to get there, but point is, I get there. And when i'm there, it feels so good. 

I love you.
:)

These streets
Turn me inside out
Everything shines
But leaves me empty still
And I'll, burn this lonely house down
If you run with me
If you run with me

I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you

I love post-secret.

I think there is just something about knowing someone elses secrets. I think it makes me feel better about my life. ha

see! addicting!

blue

I just have to get something off my chest before I explode.


Please, Please, PLEASE stop saying that you feel sorry for people that aren't like you.
Just because some people don't have what you have, do what you do, believe what you believe, it doesn't make them any lesser of a person than you are. We all have our own stories to live, our own choices to make that make us who we are, our own vices to fall back on. 

Differences make the world go round.

This weekend we went to Breckenridge.
It's probably one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. It's wide open spaces are big enough for anyone to lose themselves. It makes you feel small, that's for sure. 

Nothing but blue skies always on my mind
Blue skies on my mind
I promised your blue eyes
I'd never be unkind

Colorado has taught me a lot of things about myself this summer.

It's so hard to believe that in 3 days i'll be back in Cullowhee. Back in my little ole' space in the Smokys. 

Back to good ole' country folk, back porch sittin' and moonshine. 

mmm mmmm mm. 

fading

There now, steady love, so few come and don't go

Will you won't you, be the one I'll always know

When I'm losing my control, the city spins around

You're the only one who knows, you slow it down

It only takes a second to go from top to bottom,

a quicker second from high to low.

You hold on to the happiness that your fighting to keep from fading,

you squeeze your eyes shut as hard as you can to eliminate the blurry edges of the images,

you hold on.

It only takes a second.

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere

'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you, dear
'Cause I wish you were here

I'll watch the night turn light-blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad
'Til I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia
Chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because
When I think of you I don't feel so alone

I don't feel so alone, I don't feel so alone

As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again

And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach
Back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear
Oh darling, I wish you were here

what a relief.

Relief.
Its a feeling that you get when something you've been worried about...goes away. 
Its a weight being lifted off of your shoulders, a burden disappearing. 

Relief is a great feeling.

Have I mentioned that I now have red hair. I mean, I have some RED hair. 

At first, I was shocked. I was shocked and a little afraid.

I'm not the type of person who is insecure about her looks, so...this big change made me a little uncomfortable.

Especially when all people could say when looking at me was: "WOW, your hair!....it's so red.."

But you know, I think its kinda awesome to feel unsure every once in a while. I think its kinda healthy, actually. 

There's another thing besides red hair that i've been feeling unsure about, and...i'm working on it.

Once again, I think it's healthy.

I think it's healthy for a person to wonder and to question the things that they believe the most in. If not, what are you really doing? I don't think thats the way to grow. 

Challenge yourself. Challenge your thoughts and your ideas, push yourself.

Anyway, back to my challenge. 

The next ten months are definitely challenging to me. I feel insecure and...dumb...a lot.

But you know, 

The person that loves me, 

is going through the same exact things I am,

there is no need for me to feel stupid or insecure.

There is no need for me to be afraid of my feelings.

And that for me, is a relief. 

t.g.i.f.

I think..

I think when you've had a great day, 

I think when you've had a great day and one selfish feeling,

I think when you've had a great day and one selfish, jealous, dark, feeling deep down in your heart tries to bring you down, 

No matter how hard you try and fight it,

for you and the other persons sake,

I think it's best to just w a l k a w a y. 

Take a deep breath, 

and come back tomorrow. 

If they love you,

they will still be there.

They will still be there tomorrow. 

the feel good four

Just Listen.

In this moment i'm excited. 

In this moment, I am a lot of things.

Work today was a blessing, I loved...the very end of it.

Do you ever find that the things that you enjoy most in life are the things you don't think you want to do? 

After Jordan and I kicked butt in the dish room, we were both reeeeally ready to get out of there. Then, I remembered I told a resident I would stop bye and visit with her before I left. You know, I hate to admit this, but I really had the thought in my head "oh, maybe she forgot I said something..." 

shame on me. 

On my way to clock out I hear "Hey, you want to push me?" Another resident was dragging herself along the railing trying to find something to do, like always! She's always begging people to push her around, talking to her is actually the high light of my day. She has the freaking cutest voice. If it wasn't against the law, I would record her singing and put it on here. I clocked out, walked back out into the hall and started pushing her around. I asked her about her day and what she wanted to get into tonight, and she just sang to me. "Lay that pistol down, babe. Lay that pistol down." 

I just let her sing and pushed her around in circles until she stopped singing. We stopped at a table and I pulled up to chair to sit with her for a minute. She grabbed my wish bone necklace off my neck and closed her eyes while it was still grasped in her wrinkly hands. She sighed and told me "My husband used to make lots of jewelry. Of course he's dead now, but I sure do miss him. I miss him in the morning, at lunch, and of course at supper time." She told me stories abut diamonds and dancing. Oh, she loveeed to dance. And now she just lingers around the place looking for someone who will take a few minutes to push her around in her wheelchair.

I finally got to the other residents room. She was sitting at her desk by her lamp doing cross word puzzles. Her orthopedic socks and gummy smile was such a great thing to see.. I sat on her bed and she told me about her oldest grandson in Nebraska and about her newest great-grand baby who visited her yesterday. She pointed out this picture on the wall of her old roommate, "she had 11 children. Of course, her husband wasn't worth a green penny, but she was worth 11 children." ...whatever that really means...

Then she pulled a stool over, made me sit down on it, and she brushed my hair. "Good God your hair is red!" That made me laugh. While she was brushing my hair and I was about to be put to sleep, she told me all about her church family and her pastor and her...

(are you gonna kiss me or not? just came on my pandora. I had to stop and smile. Just pretend i'm singing this to you. I will NEVER hear this song again without thinking about you and that car ride.)

...other old lady friends. I just let her talk. I was getting my hair brushed, I didn't have a dang thing to say.

I wondered if what I was doing was legal. I'm pretty sure it was, but I never saw anyone else getting their hair brushed. Oh well.

After a while, a CNA came in to take her into the bath room. 

I had one more stop to make before I left. 

Right next door lives a woman who I say good-bye to every day.

Today she told me she thinks of me just like one of her own. But, the sad thing is, her own don't even speak to her. She's a tough cookie! I was happy to hear that I had another grandma to add to the list. She also hates my red hair. She told me "Dear Lord, Please wash your hair again tonight. You should probably wash it twice." I just laughed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's moments like these that make me sure of what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I don't ever want to be too busy, I don't ever want to stop caring. 

The feeling that I get when these women open up to me and tell me their life stories...amazing. 

Some people never stop giving.

I pray every day that I will never lose sight of the passion. 

They just want to love you, they just want to love something. 

They want something a little out of the ordinary. 

A little surprise,

a push around the nursing home, a head to brush, a hand to hold. 

I want to be that for them.

"lets just run with it"

you're just what I needed. 

Stepharonie, 

I just want to take a second to tell you how proud of you I am. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU. You are constantly, constantly, constantly, giving to other people. The best part? You never ask for anything back. You are an advocate for children who can't speak up for themselves, a helper to people who are in need, and an influence to people who need to learn from you. You are an amazing person, and amazing crazy scatter brained person. I think the most amazing thing about you is that you fight back with love. Love always wins, love always conquers. At the end of the day, love is what people will take home with them, and you deserve it   given back to you. I can't wait to see you in Carolina. 

-Rachelmac

This is Spud.

For those who don't know, Spud is the FoCo dog. He is a scaredy dog who is afraid of everything. He had a rough past, someone abused him, and now he doesn't trust people easily. This morning I was thinking about Spud and the way he reacts when people try to get close to him. haha...I was laughing to myself because I was picturing people acting like Spud when they are afraid of things. Spud runs outside when new people walk in the house. What if people did that? What if your roommate brings a new friend over and you run outside through the doggy-door in fear? hahhahaha. Isn't that funny? What if someone talks to loud and you pee on the floor? ...I was amused with myself :)

I've been talking to a lot of my friends lately, 

They are all in love! <3 

It makes me so happy that we can all talk to each other about it! 

The best part is, every one of them have had crappy past relationships, just like Spud. (--kinda) It's the best part because they (we) have all moved on and are now happy. They (we) didn't run outside or pee on the floor. They (we) hit the ground running and accepted what was presented right in front of them (us). Even if it (god forbid) ends badly, they (we) can look back and not regret holding back. They (we) can look back knowing they gave it their best shot. WE gave it our best shot. 

And you know what? We freaking deserve it.

I can't believe it's August 3rd. 
This summer has gone by so fast, and so wonderfully. 
I have learned more about myself and about the world around me, and that to me, is a success.