our next chapter

Yesterday I had been sitting on the bench waiting for you in the sun. I took off my shoes and starting writing in my journal. You pulled up next to that bench with that smile on your face, that smile that makes me stop breathing. We talked about our day with a heaviness lingering over us. We both knew what was coming. We rode with the windows down and the music up. I made you laugh when I sang to you in my loud, obnoxious singing voice. When we stepped through the front door, we both walked into my room, you laid on the bed next to me and we just stared at each other. You kissed my forehead and then told me to go take a shower because I smelled bad. I told myself to remember this moment.


Yesterday we went to Bann Thai on College Avenue and ordered the Pineapple Curry. We both drank water and watched the people pass by our table. We sat outside in the rain, with that awful smell of the drops dissolving on the hot concrete. When our food came, we looked across the table at each other and smiled. Knowing that we were both about to eat some of the best food that we've ever eaten.Yours had beef and was more spicy than mine with Tofu. You held my hand as we walked through that alley back to the car. You were wearing your khakis and a white t-shirt. You looked good. I focused on your feet and the careful steps you were taking around the drainage grids. I told myself to remember this moment.


Yesterday I stood on that terminal and said goodbye. I cried a little, and you told me that you loved me. I concentrated on how it felt to have your arms around me. I focused on your eyes and your fingers. I told myself to never forget this moment. I got in the car, put on my sunglasses, and watched you walk away with the next year of your life in those two suitcases. You looked good. 


Yesterday I was bawling my eyes out driving down the highway, I had to pull over. I took a deep breath and  I eventually got it together. The window was down while it was pouring rain, even though the sky to the west was clear and sunny. Through the tears, I smiled. I am so proud of you, Matthew. I'm so proud of everything that you are and everything that you're not. I'm so proud of you for taking on this journey with your feet running. I hate to even admit this but... I smoked four cigarettes before I got to the driveway, then threw the rest in the trash can on my way inside.


Yesterday I walked into the dark and empty house. Spud ran and greeted me at the door. I walked into my bedroom to put my stuff down. Everything was exactly how we left it. My clothes on the floor, my glass of water still sitting there half full. My towel on the bed, laptop left open on the floor. I let my legs collapse and fell on the mattress. My pillow still smelling exactly like you. I took a deep breath and then let yesterday turn into today.


Yesterday you were here, then you were gone. 
Yesterday I was so happy and excited for you, yesterday my heart was broken. 


Yesterday I was numb.


Today...
Today I am not. Today I can feel it. I can feel the absence of you. 
Today... today i've started my own personal journey.