growing pains

I took a day to myself yesterday. I went for a run. Cried. Showered. Made a great breakfast (zucchini, onion, and feta omlet). Cried. And I was wearing just a t-shirt. All day. And after a very long Greys Anatomy marathon and dinner, I cried some more. Then, I went for a drive and smoked two more cigarettes. (That won't happen again.) After that, poured myself a glass of wine and sat in the bath tub listening to Andy McKee until the water got cold. Then, I cried. 

Yesterday I allowed myself to feel what I needed to feel in order to put a smile back on my face.


Today,
Today was a brand new day. With the job that I have, I'm not allowed to put myself and my needs in front of other people. I don't think anyone should do that at work. (thats another blog entry for another day.) Anyway, I consider it inappropriate for me to walk around what is basically these residents HOUSE crying. This is supposed to be a happy place, save that for later. The thing is, the saying "fake it til' you make it" ia ao true. When I first got to work this morning, I wasn't happy. And you know what, people could tell. When are always the happy one, everyone can tell when something is off. So, I faked it. And by the end of the day, I was genuinely laughing and smiling like usual. 


Matthew is gone. He's gone on an adventure of a lifetime and I am so happy for him. 


I just have to get used to not having him around. I can do that. 


Today after work I hopped on my bike and went on a ride. It was weird at first because you weren't behind me laughing and ringing that stupid bell. You weren't asking me to dare you to stand on your handle bars or any other ridiculous "super cool" trick. You weren't behind me to tell me that I was riding on the wrong side of the road when I was so sure it was the right one. I didn't cry though. I smiled. I smiled at those memories. 


I rode down Prospect, passed Elizabeth, and into Albertsons parking lot.
I rode onto the sidewalk and to the bike rack. You weren't there to tell me if I put the lock on right, (I did put it on right), and once again, I smiled. 


I walked around the produce aisle and tried to decide what I wanted to make for dinner. I wanted pasta, But, I wanted to flair it up a little. 


When I got back to my bike...my bike that was still locked up...There was a woman asking a man for money for her lunch. I hate world hunger. I hate that people every where all over the world are hungry. I mean, I know when i'm hiking and get thirsty, I get freakin THIRSTY. Can you imagine dyeing of thirst?


ANYWAY, 
I get home and start chopping. Red onion, white mushrooms, red pepper, tomato, zucchini, garlic, and peaches. 


Thats right, 
peaches. A white peach to be exact. 


This is me "flairing" up my pasta. 


I saute the veggies leaving out my slimy ingredients.
Boil the water for the noodles. 
Wow, 
it smelled awesome.


After they are tender, 
I had some half and half, flour, parmesan cheese, salt & pepper, crushed red pepper, and a little butter.


Once this thickens, I add my slimy stuff. My tomato and my PEACHES.
Put my asiago bread in the oven, 
and wait.


I waited for the sauce to get just the right thickness and for the noodles to be just the right tender.

I think the spiciness really complimented every bite of sweet peach.


Anyway,
Today I was inspired. 
Today...Today I was ok. 


-I talked to my mother, she always makes me feel better. Seeing as that shes not really anything like a mother to me, she's awesome to talk to about everything. 
-I bought my plane ticket back to the Whee. I'm actually really excited to move into my new Apartment with Mr. Willoughby. 
-I did some Naples research, I'm getting more and more excited every day. 


Today I learned a lot about myself. That's what tragedy does. It makes you learn more about yourself. 


The bad thing about me getting inspired in the kitchen: cleaning up the huge mess I always make.