growing pains

I took a day to myself yesterday. I went for a run. Cried. Showered. Made a great breakfast (zucchini, onion, and feta omlet). Cried. And I was wearing just a t-shirt. All day. And after a very long Greys Anatomy marathon and dinner, I cried some more. Then, I went for a drive and smoked two more cigarettes. (That won't happen again.) After that, poured myself a glass of wine and sat in the bath tub listening to Andy McKee until the water got cold. Then, I cried. 

Yesterday I allowed myself to feel what I needed to feel in order to put a smile back on my face.


Today,
Today was a brand new day. With the job that I have, I'm not allowed to put myself and my needs in front of other people. I don't think anyone should do that at work. (thats another blog entry for another day.) Anyway, I consider it inappropriate for me to walk around what is basically these residents HOUSE crying. This is supposed to be a happy place, save that for later. The thing is, the saying "fake it til' you make it" ia ao true. When I first got to work this morning, I wasn't happy. And you know what, people could tell. When are always the happy one, everyone can tell when something is off. So, I faked it. And by the end of the day, I was genuinely laughing and smiling like usual. 


Matthew is gone. He's gone on an adventure of a lifetime and I am so happy for him. 


I just have to get used to not having him around. I can do that. 


Today after work I hopped on my bike and went on a ride. It was weird at first because you weren't behind me laughing and ringing that stupid bell. You weren't asking me to dare you to stand on your handle bars or any other ridiculous "super cool" trick. You weren't behind me to tell me that I was riding on the wrong side of the road when I was so sure it was the right one. I didn't cry though. I smiled. I smiled at those memories. 


I rode down Prospect, passed Elizabeth, and into Albertsons parking lot.
I rode onto the sidewalk and to the bike rack. You weren't there to tell me if I put the lock on right, (I did put it on right), and once again, I smiled. 


I walked around the produce aisle and tried to decide what I wanted to make for dinner. I wanted pasta, But, I wanted to flair it up a little. 


When I got back to my bike...my bike that was still locked up...There was a woman asking a man for money for her lunch. I hate world hunger. I hate that people every where all over the world are hungry. I mean, I know when i'm hiking and get thirsty, I get freakin THIRSTY. Can you imagine dyeing of thirst?


ANYWAY, 
I get home and start chopping. Red onion, white mushrooms, red pepper, tomato, zucchini, garlic, and peaches. 


Thats right, 
peaches. A white peach to be exact. 


This is me "flairing" up my pasta. 


I saute the veggies leaving out my slimy ingredients.
Boil the water for the noodles. 
Wow, 
it smelled awesome.


After they are tender, 
I had some half and half, flour, parmesan cheese, salt & pepper, crushed red pepper, and a little butter.


Once this thickens, I add my slimy stuff. My tomato and my PEACHES.
Put my asiago bread in the oven, 
and wait.


I waited for the sauce to get just the right thickness and for the noodles to be just the right tender.

I think the spiciness really complimented every bite of sweet peach.


Anyway,
Today I was inspired. 
Today...Today I was ok. 


-I talked to my mother, she always makes me feel better. Seeing as that shes not really anything like a mother to me, she's awesome to talk to about everything. 
-I bought my plane ticket back to the Whee. I'm actually really excited to move into my new Apartment with Mr. Willoughby. 
-I did some Naples research, I'm getting more and more excited every day. 


Today I learned a lot about myself. That's what tragedy does. It makes you learn more about yourself. 


The bad thing about me getting inspired in the kitchen: cleaning up the huge mess I always make.

our next chapter

Yesterday I had been sitting on the bench waiting for you in the sun. I took off my shoes and starting writing in my journal. You pulled up next to that bench with that smile on your face, that smile that makes me stop breathing. We talked about our day with a heaviness lingering over us. We both knew what was coming. We rode with the windows down and the music up. I made you laugh when I sang to you in my loud, obnoxious singing voice. When we stepped through the front door, we both walked into my room, you laid on the bed next to me and we just stared at each other. You kissed my forehead and then told me to go take a shower because I smelled bad. I told myself to remember this moment.


Yesterday we went to Bann Thai on College Avenue and ordered the Pineapple Curry. We both drank water and watched the people pass by our table. We sat outside in the rain, with that awful smell of the drops dissolving on the hot concrete. When our food came, we looked across the table at each other and smiled. Knowing that we were both about to eat some of the best food that we've ever eaten.Yours had beef and was more spicy than mine with Tofu. You held my hand as we walked through that alley back to the car. You were wearing your khakis and a white t-shirt. You looked good. I focused on your feet and the careful steps you were taking around the drainage grids. I told myself to remember this moment.


Yesterday I stood on that terminal and said goodbye. I cried a little, and you told me that you loved me. I concentrated on how it felt to have your arms around me. I focused on your eyes and your fingers. I told myself to never forget this moment. I got in the car, put on my sunglasses, and watched you walk away with the next year of your life in those two suitcases. You looked good. 


Yesterday I was bawling my eyes out driving down the highway, I had to pull over. I took a deep breath and  I eventually got it together. The window was down while it was pouring rain, even though the sky to the west was clear and sunny. Through the tears, I smiled. I am so proud of you, Matthew. I'm so proud of everything that you are and everything that you're not. I'm so proud of you for taking on this journey with your feet running. I hate to even admit this but... I smoked four cigarettes before I got to the driveway, then threw the rest in the trash can on my way inside.


Yesterday I walked into the dark and empty house. Spud ran and greeted me at the door. I walked into my bedroom to put my stuff down. Everything was exactly how we left it. My clothes on the floor, my glass of water still sitting there half full. My towel on the bed, laptop left open on the floor. I let my legs collapse and fell on the mattress. My pillow still smelling exactly like you. I took a deep breath and then let yesterday turn into today.


Yesterday you were here, then you were gone. 
Yesterday I was so happy and excited for you, yesterday my heart was broken. 


Yesterday I was numb.


Today...
Today I am not. Today I can feel it. I can feel the absence of you. 
Today... today i've started my own personal journey.

hey there

I've been waiting for you.

it starts now

Naples, Italy

here we come.

find it.

This morning the coffee machine was being weird and wasn't working. To anyone else, this would probably just be a minor set back in their day. For me, my world was slowly crumbling down, or so I thought. I got frustrated because I was still tired and the clock said 5:17 a.m., I was frustrated because I couldn't figure out how to turn on a simple kitchen appliance. I finally gave up and got in the car to go to work. Not a car on the road, not a open sign glowing anywhere. I called m&m and started flipping out on him. I was so stressed about something so little, and took it out on the person who means the most. Aren't we all so great at that? I think he zoned out on me while I was talking to the GPS about where to turn around at, but he still hung in there, laughed at me, and told me to have a good day. 


When I got to work, fit hit the shan. The full moon from last night was seriously coming into play. People were calling in, going home sick, and starting fights in the hallway. By this time, I couldn't even be upset anymore. I just sat in the corner and started laughing. After a while, I pushed a resident to her room and she asked me to come in and talk for a few minutes. I hesitated at first because I was already super behind on a lot of things, but her face was just so darn cute. I stepped into her room where I saw millions of winnie-the-pooh stuffed animals and tissue boxes. She looked at me and said "I want you to meet my family." She grabbed her pointer stick and started naming every member of her family, they were conveniently pinned to a poster board on her wall. There in this 6x8 room, this woman shared with me her past, her present, and her future. The pictures were all different, some were black and white, some were torn, some just came in last weekend. She showed me her pride and joys, her grandchildren, and her own children. This woman was so proud of her family and it made me so happy to see her smile. I could tell she was thinking about old times when she started crying and said "I just wish things could be how they used to be, I hate being old." 


She finds comfort every single day in those pictures on the wall. As her world is changing around her, and she's stuck in that same 6x8 room living the same routine, she depends on those pictures.


I think we all need something like that in our lives. We all need something that we find comfort in.

"I'll always like you, Ray. Through thick, thin, and your coffee-less mornings."

everything can be settled over a bowl of cereal. by the time you sip the milk, you forgot what you were trying to forget.

my morning doesn't start without it. it could be becoming an issue.

Remember that there is always something to be learned and enjoyed from the elderly. People never stop giving.

Go ahead, scrub-a-dub-dub. I know I enjoy soaking the day off.

Saucony commercials make me feel like running 4 miles makes me a bad-ass.

Pandora could makes any random thing im doing in my room at the time seem pretty epic. My personal fave: A combination of Brett Dennen, Sean Hayes, and Louis Armstrong.

I love writing in my journal because no one can hear me.

My flannel shirts. Personally, I wear them a lot because they remind me of my Dad. I loved it when he came home from work smelling like plumbers-putty and WD-40. 

So I find comfort in a good black ale, don't judge me.

Not only does Grey's Anatomy comfort me, but so does baking. I thought this picture was pretty appropriate.

I have a growing love for Thai food. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

Because it's the start of a brand new day.

thunder? nap time.

I practically grew up and then away from a sanctuary. When I do visit, I always find just what I need. Including as much comfort as a hug from yo momma. 

Call me crazy, but I actually feel like this dog understood everything that I ever said, and didn't say.

This is what me and my friends STILL look like and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Most of all, I really appreciate the time that I spend with myself. Do things alone, it's a great feeling.

These are just a few places that I find comfort. I think in this crazy, crazy, crazy world that we live in, it's important to know what makes you feel good. Never underestimate what makes you feel good. 

always room for improvement

I told my dad I wasn't going to be home for Christmas. He didn't even ask why.


Cause i'm already gone.
I can't wait for Europe :)

Just some songs i've been diggin', I wanted to share.

<3




I decided that it's time for a new me. 
Its important that you make yourself happy.
Run when you want to run,
buy that new shirt if it makes you feel great.
Dye your hair if thats what you want,
Have choppy bangs if that makes you feel unstoppable.


Just do it.

run girl, run as fast as you can.

Together can never be close enough for me, 
to feel like I'm close enough to you. 


I've never ever looked forward to a Monday as much as I do right now.




Today a friend reminded me of something that I regret not thinking about more often.
Our lives are all filled with heartbreak. We break, get knocked down, get left behind.


It's so easy to get caught up in the moment that we are in and forget where we came from. 
All of those moments when we were choking on tears not being able to breathe, later on down the road are the reasons why we are smiling. We may not realize it then, but just keep holding on. 


While I was venting to Matthew about my dad waiting 5 days after my birthday to call me and tell me that he forgot about my birthday... he reminded me that we have the lives that we have for a reason. One of my favorite quotes has always been: "God gave you the life that you have because he knows you're strong enough to live it." I just don't ever want to forget that. 


Now that I'm in the spot in my life that I'm in,
I'm so thankful for all of the times that i've had to put my heart back together, it lead me to something great.

we're two birds of a  feather and the rest is just whatever.

You know when you're little and they tell you that new shoes make you run faster? I still believe that. 

I got brand new shoes and everything is alright :)
I decided after my killer run yesterday and my knees we about to collapse,  that I needed to splurge and but some new shoes. I like this new obsession with running. It's a good challenge for myself. 


I think its always better when the challenges you face are from yourself, it makes them easier to give up, harder to take on.

i was here

If seeing is believing, people need to get out more.

i love my friends, they take good care of me. 

last friday night

So, i haven't blogged in a while. I was house sitting in a place lacking the internet. But, I did write a few. :)


July 1st-

1,000 Marbles in a Jar

For the past few days I have been house sitting for complete strangers.  I was thinking about the idea of house sitting and came up with the conclusion that these people have some serious guts.

Hold the phone.

I always have to dance when John Mayer sings Vultures.

Back to what I was saying,

These people have a lot of trust in something that they don’t know.  These people, they have a lot of trust in me.  They trusted a 20-year-old college girl to take care of their 2 dogs, cat, and fish one and fish two. Oh, and please let’s not forget to include their million dollar plants outside.

They left me with lucky charms, organic bananas, rhubarb bread, and tequila.

I don’t think the tequila has my name written on it or anything, but it sure does holla at me!

You know what? I’ve taken the best care of this house. I come straight home after work, take out the dogs, water the plants, do my dishes… I take DANG good care of this house. I am more responsible with this because these people don’t know me.  Isn’t that funny? What if more strangers gave me responsibilities… would I take charge of the task at hand and…basically freakin dominate it!?

This boy, he seriously surprises me every-single-day.

 It still hasn’t set in with me that he is leaving for Africa at the end of this month.  It hasn’t set in with me that he is going to be gone for ten whole months…that’s over 3,000,000 seconds being 2187 miles away…

I heard a story yesterday,

This man said when he was in his 50’s he worked as a truck driver. He said that his wife was really tired of him being away from home and that she really missed them having Saturdays together. He calculated that the average person lives to be 75 years old. That gives the average person 3,900 Saturdays here on Earth. Being 55 years old, he figured that he already spent 2,860 Saturdays, leaving him with only 1,040 Saturdays left. On this day, he put 1,040 marbles into a clear jar. Every single Saturday he would take a marble from the jar and throw it away. He described to me how much more he appreciated life after seeing it disappear right in front of him. Living like he was dying, he spent every single Saturday with his wife, just like she always wanted. He said their relationship became more than he would have ever imagined.  260 Saturdays ago, that man threw away his very last marble. He explained to me that the time God gives to us on Earth is such a blessing. It’s not how much time we have, but what we do with the time that we do have that matters.

Matthew is going to be gone for a long time, but I know we will make the best out of it. We will continue to grow together, he will continue to surprise me every-single-day.

July 5th-

Just in the rap mood.

I’ve never seen a dead person. Well, when I was 12 I did see my grandpa pretty dead. But, I was 12. And he just didn’t seem that dead to me. He looked pretty peaceful. Just, as ease with where ever he was at that moment in time. I’ve never been with someone while they were at their last moments of life. I want to say I would be pretty curious to what they were thinking in that moment. What do they see when they close their eyes? What passions are being left behind as that last breath is released from their chest, that one last pump to your heart… and then a flat line. I would love to be in someones head right before they die. Creepy, maybe.

 

Sampson died. I don’t know what happened. He just woke up one morning and… died. He was a great dog too, that’s what makes it that much more sad. Despite his age, he was pretty full of life. I wonder what he thought about me crying trying to shove dog food down his throat while he was just trying to go already. I hope he was laughing on the inside. And if he wasn’t laughing, I don’t want to know.

T.I. , Vodka, and Orange juice.

I’m a happy girl.

I also have some fresh bread in the oven and some great red pepper alfredo on the stove.

I’m not really sure what makes me more happy.

Perhaps it’s everything together.

My best friends are on their way to Colorado to visit me. They make everything feel like home. Colorado has been a great learning experience for me, most definitely. I just can’t wait to share the day of my birth with something familiar. I think when it comes down to it; we all need some familiarity in our lives. Everywhere we go, we search for something we know. We strive for the known. If we are left empty, give it some time.  Things grow on you.

I think that’s the beauty behind traveling. You find somewhere amazing to go, at first you feel indifferent because you have no idea what anything is. Then, you stay. You stick through the frustration and get to know your new surroundings. Just then, you add another place to the list of familiarities. Maybe if we got to know more of the world, we wouldn’t be as afraid of it. Can you imagine what things would be like then?

Sometimes I wonder why not everyone has these passions in life. I’ve said this before, but some people are completely comfortable with staying exactly where they are.  As much as I believe that experience makes the world go round, home boy that lives with his mom until he’s 56 also makes the world go round. Weeeeeeeird.

 

People have their passions for a reason, don’t ever forget that.

I love bowls with handles on them.

There’s a lady at my work who is a whopping 88 years old. She tells everyone that she is 102 years old. I know when you’re 13 and you meet a cute boy, you probably would smile and tell him you’re 15 and then regret it later when you find out he’s in the class next to you and he thinks you’re a retard for being 15 and in 7^th grade. I know when you’re thirty and flirty and you tell a guy you’re actually 26, then he comes home with you and see’s a collection of baby toys on the floor and you instantly regret making yourself look like one of those teenage girls who forgot the importance of freakin’ birth control. But when you are 88 years old… why in the hell would you tell people that you are 102? I don’t dare tell people that I’m older than what I really am, people don’t even believe my real age. This woman is buck wild and great. When she says things like this, it makes me smile. She probably doesn't know any better anyway. 

July 9th-

Make a Wish

Yesterday I celebrated the day of my birth. I celebrated it with my Parkview Dining Room and kitchen staff, my summer parents, and my best friends. Alex, James, and Jeff came into town and brought Cullowhee with them. In life i've been pretty great at creating my own families. I'm not the closest with my actual family, but I really make the best out of what i've got. The people that I love are always there for me, they accept me exactly the way I am and wouldn't want me any other way. They know me better than anyone else does. My family not calling me on my birthday didn't get me down for too long, and it really didn't surprise me too much.I live a lifestyle that doesn't allow me to see my family but twice sometimes three times a  year. I looked around at the great people I was with and was so happy I was there. I think the margaritas helped with that a little too. :) ha. 

I have the greatest friends in the world, and it amazes me every single day how even though we came from totally different parts of the world, we somehow all ended up together. 

These boys will go with me throughout my whole life, I just know that.