one day stronger

I think I figured it out... 
I think I figured out what was wrong all along... 

All along...

I wasn't being the person that I know i'm supposed to be.

I believe that God gives your heart desires, 

he gives you the motivation and hope to accomplish your dreams. 

He always, always, alwaaaaaays gives you what you need. 

Someone once told me:

"Ray, maybe these relationships aren't working out for you because they aren't what you really want."

At the time I really fought against that. 

I had the perfect guy I could ever ask for, I had my whole life planned out...

you know.. to be the happy married couple who travels the world together and has it all figured out..

That happy married couple that makes dinner every night and plans on having babies. 

Except nothing was figured out. Nothing was working out. 

The thought of marriage really freaked me out. 

Every other few days I may have been up for the idea,

but most days I dreamed of being somewhere else...

I dreamed of all of things that I wanted to do, 

not the things I wanted US to do. 

Every one says it's just about meeting the right person..

they say "oh girl, you'll want to be married. just wait until you meet that one special guy."

I am 21 years old. 

I am YOUNG.

I have no interest or desire in my whole body to be settled down. 

I want to be out there....

I have the desire to do the things I want to do in life, with no outer influences, 

with no one to answer to, with just my own free will.

I believe that I have these desires in my heart for a reason, 

I have this motivation for a purpose, I have the strength God has given me to use for him. 

For whatever he needs me to do...

I will go. I will believe, and I will be. 

I trust in the Lord, and man...

I trust in the greater plans he has for me. 

When it comes time for me to be settled and married... 

well then I'll feel like doing that. And maybe then, i'll be ready.

so it will be right, just according to his plan. Follow the desires you have in your heart, they'll lead you to true happiness. 

------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------

------------------

---------

-----

--

-

Lately i've had a hard time comparing myself to others, 

like i'm never enough for myself because I just keep on comparing. 

I get frustrated with myself for having animosity towards the STUPIDEST situations. 

Oh silly, silly humans.... 

You are the best YOU there ever will be. 

You aren't meant to be someone else, or even close to being LIKE someone else,

so why compare ourselves to them?

Because we are human. 

We are damaged.

We are damaged in our own little ways, 

just remember that one man's junk is another man's treasure,

and you are beautiful.

every thing in your life has made you that way. 

enjoy it, thrive in it. 

I just want to say that I am so happy that I am in college. 

Every day I go to class and I learn so much about the world and people around me,

I learn even more about myself. 

We are so fortunate to have been given the lives that we have been given.

I've been on the fitness train for a while, 

and I just want to say to everyone else that's starting that I am so proud. 

It's so important for people to care about their health,

be proud of yourself and who you are RIGHT NOW.

Now, 

I decided to add a body pic of my own. 

I'M PROUD. 

We all have insecurities so let's support each other, 

not break each other down. 

keep on going. 

like a Grey's Anatomy episode

 You had a lot of dreams that transformed to visions
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions
But it wasn’t your fault, wasn’t in your intentions
To be the one here talking to me, be the one listening

..........

Yesterday I spent the entire day disassembling our home. 

Piece by piece I put our memories off the walls and into boxes...

it didn't feel real. it didn't feel like what I was doing was really happening.

Life was changing right in front of me and I was in control of it. But letting it take control of me. 

Here I am, sitting in the living room of our apartment. 

I'm sitting on the floor up against the wall because the love seat we'd always fall asleep in has moved.

I have boxes and baskets all over the floor filled with my stuff. our stuff. the stuff we got together. 

It is such a bittersweet feeling;

the ending of one road and the beginning of another. 

Somewhere along the way I lost it.

I lost the romance and the flame that burned bright for you. 

Instead of recognizing the 'right here, right now' moments, 

I got completely lost in the 'what if?' moments....

I lost what we had craving for what we didn't have.

I let it burn down. 

Run for your life, my love
Run and you don't give up
All that you are
All that you want
Run for your life right now
And if you don't know how
I’ll come back with you and take all that’s true
And leave all that's burned behind
Run for your life

I have found the love of my life. 

I have found a person that has touched the depths of my soul that have never seen light. 

I have found my soul mate... the person God has specifically designed for me. 

Some people may say that is just crazy, 

but my dad always told me "honey, it's always going to be crazy to someone who doesn't believe."

Through it all, 

through the fighting and the crying... 

the boxes and baskets...

I know I am coming back to you.

I know that right now, 

As much as I would rather walk the road with you,  we're at the fork...

where you go left and I stay right...

it's my time to walk by myself. 

I know there is a beautiful journey that is going to make me stronger and a better person for you. 

I know that our roads are going to come back to one,

and then we can walk together again. 

I'm just going to keep on believing.

I've heard someone say that when you are in the act of loving a person, you are giving them a piece of you.  You are letting them take a piece of you with them for the rest of their life. 

I think i've given too many pieces away,

I don't think that right now in my life, I am capable of giving someone everything I have,

because there isn't that much to give...

I've given it all away. 

Take the time to love yourself,

take the time to get all your pieces back...

allow yourself to heal and keep up with itself.

Or else, 

you won't have anything to give to the next person you meet,

and this person...

they may deserve it all. 

even worse,

you may lose yourself. 

look at the person next to you, 

or think about your old best friend...

think about how much they've changed...

think about how different things have been or how they used to be,

it happened in such a short amount of time... 

now look at you.

crazy to think you've changed as much as they have, 

you just can't see it in yourself like you can see it in someone else. 

we're all guilty. 

Something inside of me has died.

I was going to say something is missing, 

But I know there is something is inside of me that is supposed to be alive and it's not. I can feel it.

I'm carrying this weight on me and it has pulled me down. 

I asked the Lord to bring me back to life, 

to make me feel alive again... 

I think things are coming together well.

:)

pull me closer to love

It's New Year's Eve....
I know this is the time when we're all thinking about the past year..
the goals we've accomplished, the fears we've faced, the friends we've lost and gained...

this is the day of reflection. 
We think about changes we want to make and the smarter choices that we already have in mind,
Basically, we are thinking. We are thinking a lot about the past and the future..

I say we celebrate.
The fact that we've all made it another year in this crazy world is something worth celebrating. 

Let's celebrate everything it took to get us here.
Let's take one day to not feel sad about our mistakes, but to celebrate them. 
We wouldn't be where we are in the road without making wrong turns. 

Let's just be proud of where we are right now,
deal with the rest later.

At midnight,
let's kiss it all goodbye.

For a while i've had this image of this girl in my head, she's a version of myself.

She's the person I want to be in ten years, the person I want to be more like every day..

She's the person I know I have the potential of being. The best version of myself.

In my head the girl I see is older, more mature, she's got it together...

She's balanced and has her priorities straight,

healthy and knows what she wants. 

I picture her as independent and motivated, always moving forward.

I picture her being happy doing the things that she loves.

I picture her living to making a difference in people's lives.

I picture her just loving others like she's always been taught.  

I sometimes picture her in a little city, but sometimes I see her on the beach..

One thing that stays the same is the smile on her face. 

A lot of sometimes when I feel stuck, 

I just close my eyes and picture this girl.

I think to myself that this is the person God wants me to be. 

Then, I move forward. 

I find something else to do to make me a little closer to being like her. 

It's my slice of hope and my optimism for the future. 

I may not be her yet, but I know the person I'm going to be.

I can see her. 

One day at a time. 

I think some times people hold on to things because they are afraid a good thing won't happen twice. 

Guilty. 

Even when you think it's not, 

time is always on your side. 

<3

So, here I go.

give me some time

I want to feel like I put up a good fight for it.

I want to walk away knowing that we tried. 

When things are good, they're good.

When things are bad, they're bad.

Do you know where your heart is?

Do you think you can find it?

Or did you trade it for something

Somewhere better just to have it?

Do you know where your love is?

Do you think that you lost it?

You felt it so strong, but

Nothing's turned out how you wanted

Well, bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

Cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Well, all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Do you know what your fate is?

And are you trying to shake it?

You're doing your best and

Your best look

You're praying that you make it

Well, bless my soul

You're a lonely soul

Cause you won't let go

Of anything you hold

Well, all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

I said I all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Better than you had it

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Do you think you can find it?

Yeah, better than you had it (Better than you had it)

I said I all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

I said I all I need

Is the air I breathe

And a place to rest

My head

Whenever the end is

Do you think you can see it?

Well, until you get there

Go on, go ahead and scream it

Just say it

Right now...
right now my life is changing with the weather. 
I mean, changing like CULLOWHEE weather...

One thing about change is that everyone expects it to happen instantly,
or we get upset when we can't notice it immediately. 

The time in our lives when we want change is when one of those decisions comes up, it's usually a hard one that involves us thinking really hard about one choice that could possibly change everything. 

Then we close our eyes, hold our breath, and jump... 

We expect an instant change in our lives. 
 and Because we expect that, we're afraid of making choices, especially the hard ones. 

The truth about change is that you really don't notice it when it happens...
In some cases you may feel so shitty after making a decision,
you could have a broken heart for what you feel like is an eternity,
Day after day, everything seems the same...
But when you look back, nothing is.
You realize you aren't as broken as you were last month, last week... maybe yesterday.  

The easy choices in life are what make our lives more manageable. 
Or should I say tolerable? livable? ....easier?

I'm not sure about you, but I know that I am the type of person who is so happy with only deciding what to wear in the morning. Anyone who knows me knows that I am the most indecisive person there is. I prefer it that way... I'm a people pleaser. I always want to make the other person happy. Most people would just call this being a good friend. Unfortunately, this is where all of my relationships fail. 

Because I never make my own decisions, I lose myself in the relationship. 
I get so caught up in not saying what I really want, that I convince myself it's not what I want...
Ultimately, I lose who I am as a person. 
I forget that the things that make me who I am are my opinions. My true honest-to-God opinions. 
I build up frustration that never gets released...


I . J U S T . N E V E R . S A Y . A N Y T H I N G .

Then I can't take it anymore. 
I burst at the seams and can't take anymore. 

I run away.

I run away because I can't stand the thought of my opinion, my actual opinion, hurting someone else... 
I don't even try sometimes. There's no fight from me whatsoever. 

When it happens, it's one of those "why did I do that........" moments. 

I'm going to be honest and say that I feel like I have missed out on so much in my life because I haven't been true to not only myself but being my true self in front of others. 

It is so important to be yourself infront of others. 
That is what makes you, you. 

Don't let me make you think that I never stand up for myself...
I definitely have my moments of declaration. 

Sometimes I just forget that the people that really love me... those people that I try to please... they really value my honest opinion. They want to know what I'm thinking, that is why they value me as a friend and as a person. 

Your friends need to value your spirit and your heart, that's what a friendship is.
If you waste your relationship never saying how you truly feel, 
What are they supposed to value? 

Be yourself, always be yourself. 
It can only make your relationship stronger if you always know what the other person needs from it. 

 

Sometimes I feel like the hard part isn't adjusting to our own changes, but coping with everyone else's. 

When time once again gets the best of us...

When we don't notice our own changes but we notice everyone around us changing. 
It's not a bad thing... but it makes us uncomfortable because it makes you realize that WE ARE ALL changing. Then, you think that if we are always changing, how in the world are we supposed to always fit with the same people? 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am really struggling with being myself because I feel lost in the relationships around me. I feel caught up in my changes, their changes, the world's changes in general.... 

I've never been great at expressing exactly how I feel, 
and now I don't know how I feel about anything. 
I definitely feel like i'm in the running away stage. 

"I read something earlier that said, 'the opposite of faith is not doubt, it's fear'. Have faith in yourself and do what you need to do. I know- SO much easier said than done. There are lots of people who love you, myself included!"

There are people out there who just want to remind you of who you are, 
let them.
<3

There are people out there that love you, no matter which way you go in life-- they just want to be a part of it. 

People that love you for who you are, 

BE WHO YOU ARE.

                                     
                                                

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth you realize

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me

Cuz I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

I want to go places i've never been before.

Meet people i've never met. 

Feel things i've never felt.

Life doesn't stop.

Change doesn't stop.

Why should we?

I need your grace to remind me to find my own.

She had a fire inside

And that terrified you

You swore that you'd never lose your control

Baby, let yourself go

'cause part of you hides

And I know the hunger inside of you's strong

You can only hold back the river so long

Oh, you don't have to go it alone

Oh, you don't have to go it alone, go it alone

Run for your life, my love

Run and you don't give up

All that you are

All that you want

Run for your life right now

And if you don't know how

I’ll come back with you and take all that’s true

And leave all that's burned behind

Run for your life