maybe the grass isn't greener on the other side

I just want to start out by saying that Grey's Anatomy has destroyed me. Ok, maybe destroyed is a bit of an exaggeration. But, to say the least, this T.V. show has had a bigger impact on me then probably what is healthy. 


There are many things in life that can make a person question themselves. Maybe it's a loss, an accomplishment, an open-ended question... what ever this thing may be, I think it's there for a reason. There is some kind of unknown plan behind questioning oneself. Maybe it's to make you stronger, maybe its a sign that something needs to change, maybe its just a question.


I don't think there is anything more annoying than having all of your ducks finally in a perfect straight little line and then a freaking hurricane comes and messes it all up. There's a reason for that hurricane. Maybe the ducks will be stronger next time they have to stay in a line, or... maybe they are for some reason meant to be all shook up. Why does this happen? Why does nature happen? I know why.


To make you question yourself.


"There are times when even the best of us have trouble with commitment, and we may be surprised at the commitments we're willing to let slip out of our grasp. Commitments are complicated. We may surprise ourselves by the commitments we're willing to make, true commitment, takes effort, and sacrifice. Which is why sometimes, we have to learn the hard way, to choose our commitments very carefully."


Effort. Sacrifice. Willingness. Determination. Strength.


------------------------------------------------------------------------


This summer is meant for me. This summer is meant for me to be apart from everything that I somehow think makes me who I am. This summer is meant for me to see what's left after everything has been ripped away. Why do I still find you? All of these little pieces of you are always lying on the floor for me to trip over. You are still... every where. 


Are you there for me to fight and resist? Or, are you there for some other reason.
I hope you are there for me to fight because Lord knows I'm ready to throw the first punch.


Meredith can't pick between McDreamy and the Veterinarian. I know how she feels. She has the most perfect guy in the world willing to do anything for her. He's "dark and twisty" just like she is. He's sweet and thoughtful, everything on her list. He's something new and something really great. Then there's the other one thats always been there. He has his baggage, and even still tries to carry hers around. He has that look that he knows will make her melt. He knows her like the back of his hand. He knows what to say to make her question herself. He knows her. 


Meredith is afraid of her choice, McDreamy has already hurt her and left her damaged. He left her. Veterinarian guy...he is genuine.


Unlike Meredith, I choose the Veterinarian.


I want myself to think that the grass may be greener on the other side, but I'm not willing to leave my perfect spot to jump the fence and find dirt and mud. Call me a coward, but i'm not letting go of this great thing that i've found.

it stung a little.

spark a match and watch the candle burn,
the wick runs out and then love takes it's turn,
on fallen angels and broken sounds,
we will last past the final round.

Even if you think the flame has died, there's at least one lyric that'll hit that last hot spot, and then you'll find yourself as screwed as you were the day you lied and said you never wanted to see him again. - John Mayer

Chemistry people don't speak often

There's a song in my head.

I'm constantly preparing myself for May 6th. I am so afraid of May 6th. You're going to see me smile, you're going to see me laugh, you're most definitely going to see me cry. Just thinking about it bothers me. I've always been really afraid of commitment, i've never actually been 100% committed to anything in my whole life. You know why? If I fail, that means I'm just like my mom. Guess what? I'm already just like my mom. I don't want to fail you, I don't want to fail myself. I don't want to fail at all. Commitment is a really big deal, it's not the easiest thing to jump right into. On the other hand, me & you...we're good at jumping in. My days left with you are numbered, and they are already planned out...minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour planned out. Biology labs, make-up chemistry tests...this long dreaded semester is already at the end. I'm doing everything but what I really want to do with my time. I hate time. I hate the concept of time. I hate everything about time. I wish it would just stop. I wish it would just fly by. Time probably hates me! I don't think all this doubt and fear is going to get me anywhere, unfortunately. At a time like this, all I need to be is confident. We're going to make it. We're going to be strong and patient. We're going to be far apart, but always together.

Is there somewhere to be, when you're watching TV

Should it feel like more than a Monday?
When you live in some town, hanging around
Are we all just waiting on someday?

See I miss you most days
In kaleidoscope ways
Calling you up keeps me normal.
But long distance is long, and it's a long distance call
And a highway of miles in between us.

Sometimes I say it too much
But I can't say it enough

If all we can find is a life we can't hide from,
Then all I need is you.
And everyone needs something to believe in,
And all I can see is you,
All I can see is you.

it's a 6 hour drive and I know it by heart,
But it's never too far if you love me.
i'm a traveling man and i'm home when I can be,
I hope that you know that I love you.
And I can't say it enough, it's too much.

If all we can find is a life we can't hide from,
Then all I need is you.
And everyone needs something to believe in
And all I can see is you.

And I don't know how it is I still feel like a kid,
And these working close feel like a costume.
And we can't break the rules, like we did back in school,
And we live and we wish in the well,
And everybody needs someone to tell.

Well we all need a place where were allowed to slow down,
And were allowed to hide out on the weekends.
400 miles, i'll be home in while,
But i'm never on time if you know me.
If all we can find is a life we can hide from,
Then all I need is you.
Oh and everyone needs something to believe in
And all I can see is you
All I can see is you
Is you.

the thrill of believing in the unbelievable

I believe in:
-feeling alive
-great breakfast
-conversations that change your life
-when the stars go blue
-angels
-music that makes you feel damn good
-your smile
-the broken-heart disease
-change
-tradition
-going the distance
-us

underneath the willow tree

It's been almost a month since i've posted anything, everyone knows i've been sorta distracted. :)


What is the greatest thing about life to you? What do you look for every day to keep you going? I think for me..I try to see a little bit of me in everyone. I think thats my favorite part about life, because in the end, there is a little bit of us in everyone else. Find that something..its life changing.


I've been thinking a lot about people and relationships. Everyone is so unique and different. We aren't all made to get along with one another, or even like each other. So, when you feel that "click" with someone, it's natural to want to hang on to that for dear life. It just makes me look at the people i'm closest to and wonder what it is in them that I'm attracted to. Most of the time, I'm attracted to something they have that I don't. My friends complete me, I wouldn't trade them for anything. 


Another great thing about life is the chances it gives us. And just knowing that you have a choice. How fleeting that freedom is is kinda scary. We are adults, we have choices. We can travel the world, we can stand still. We can do anything we want. It really inspires me when people take advantage of those chances. The people that grab it with both hands and run with it. The people that live right now, the people that do what makes them happy. I've been doing a lot of this...this grabbing things with both hands and running thing..

Sometimes it scares me

Sometimes it takes my breath away

Sometimes it stops me where i'm standing

Sometimes both feet are off the ground

Sometimes it keeps me awake

Sometimes it feels right

Sometimes it feels so wrong

Sometimes it makes me wonder

Sometimes it leaves me speechless

Above anything else,

it makes me happy.

I thought I knew happy before I knew you.

It takes a lot of faith to want something everlasting,

especially after seeing it fail.

What's the point of faith if we don't ever try?

"Wake up naked drinking coffee,
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us...
It was good good love.
We used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
The way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard

Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you did."

February 14th.

Today the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the air is cool---but not too cool. It's a beautiful day. But there is something different about today that either everyone talks about...or no one talks about. Today is Valentines Day. The day that society decided would be a great day for couples to publicly share their love for each other. Just so everyone knows---I FULLY support Valentines Day. And you know what? I'm single. It's irritating when people are bitter about it. I can't help but to be a hopeless romantic. I blame it on the hours spent watching Disney Movies when I was 6. Beauty and the Beast set the standards pretty high, sorry boys.

I'm working on my third hour in the library, supposed to be studying for Biology...but this seemed more worth while. Being in a public place, I get to witness lots of PDA. The UPS guy just brought in some flowers in a box, cute. A girl just carried in a huge teddy bear, precious. I just love Valentines Day. All the while, I'm sitting in a corner sipping on some coffee all by myself. I don't mind it though...I think this is easier than being with someone and them not ever reaching your expectations. Lord knows those poor boys can never match up to Cinderella's prince charming. The couples that I really love to see are the ones that are content with just having each other.

This being said, I just want all of the couples to know that YOUR love story is the best one ever told. And they are not to be compared with perfect love stories. I don't want that to get mixed up. I have faith that God will bring me my prince. He's given me plenty of stuff to keep myself occupied until then, anyway. For those who have already found their love, I just want you to know that my heart melts when I see you, and you give me hope. As corny as it sounds, you shine.

February 14th marks a very relevant day in my family. Both my mom and grandmother got married on this day. And it all started with, "the only thing I want for Valentines Day is you." So, they gave their hand in marriage.

On this Valentines Day,
I do not feel alone, I don't feel sad or bitter. I don't wish I had roses (I don't like them anyway), I don't want a teddy bear that takes up more of my treasured sleep space, I don't want a card...Today, I have everything that I could ever want.

I came across this quote:

"I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them anyway. Love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you may be ashamed of. Love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak in the knees when they walk in a room and smile at you."

Well, Lisa from Oregon, I bet you have the greatest husband in the world. The first thing that popped in my head when I read this was "Who is this in my life?"

Jesus, you are the love of my life. And, I just wanted to say, Happy Valentines Day. <3

Hello, Raleigh.

It's weird typing your heart out on someone else's computer, just sayin'.

I think life is a game of gaining and losing, giving and taking. Lately, I feel like i've just been losing. I miss the feeling of just being downright sure about something. I miss knowing when to give up, when to fight longer, and when to just be quiet. I hate dreading whats to come...like you know at any point a train is going to come and smack you on the ground. So, there you stand, silent and still, waiting for the bomb to drop.

What the heck is moving on about? it's like a damn art.


I'm starting to think that after losing the same thing so many times, i've almost mastered it. Funny how our nature is to do the absolute worse thing possible for ourselves to move on. Life is full of temporary pain killers. What happens when we push pain to the side and grab a beer instead? Oh, I know! We wake up with a freaking headache and end up feeling the pain more. And you know what else, we can see the pain to. Or, we count on others for our happiness. We find something new and exciting and of course, take that feeling instead. Who wouldn't? But then, at night when the wrong person says sweet dreams...BAM.

I think moving on has to come from your heart.
You have to want it for yourself, as hard as it is to want something like that. You have to do it. You have to look yourself in the mirror and want internal happiness for YOURSELF. You have to make yourself laugh, smile, and most of all, cry. You have to learn to feel the things you need to feel. I've indeed mastered this. It's about having the perfect combination. You have to think, but not too hard.  You have to cry, but you have to learn to pick yourself back up too.

God has proven himself to me continually throughout my whole life. Sometimes, he knows just what to do to get your attention. I amaze myself every day at the silly things that I put before him...its unreasonable actually. The thing that has really made me smile, is that God makes everything new. He can take the most worn out, broken, and tattered thing and turn it into brand new. Hope can be restored :)

Another discovery: I have made another New Year Resolution... I would like to be more in control of situations. Meaning, I don't ever want a situation to get the best of me. I've discovered that this happens more than it should with me. In result, me being stressed out.

Basically, RIGHT NOW, i'm learning how to make myself happy. Having the confidence that you give yourself is such a great, empowering feeling. No one is going to hand you happiness on a platter. You have to go out and get it for yourself, in this case, being selfish is recommended.

Learn how to set yourself free.