Just keep moving forward

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I spent the last few days completely unplugged in this little cottage out in the middle of no where. The cottage was completely surrounded by rolling hills and snowy mountains. It had no electricity, no running water.. no cell phone service, completely off the grid. This family of a mom and two girls made home cooked meals for us and then carried them up this steep ass hill every day, there was so much love in such a little place. We had all we needed: wide open spaces, solitude, and quietness. Like... it was so quiet. 

I was alone with my thoughts for a long time… and it was so good for me. It's been a long time since i've sat down in a quiet place to actually clear my head. There was nothing around but wind and an occasional wild animal. I got to journal, explore the woods, finally sit down to read a book, have great conversation and naps in the sun… it was truly paradise. 

The day before we left for the Cottage I got to see him. I was a little nervous at first.. We met downtown. I sat at the table next to the window, the exact spot we sat in the last time we were there. I tried to look distracted with a cup of coffee in my hands but I still anxiously made eye contact with everyone that walked by. I looked down at my shoes for two seconds, wondering if I should've worn something different..And then suddenly, I saw him. He was right across the street stepping out of a white truck, a truck that had been parked there before I had even arrived. I recognized his jacket but his shirt was new. So were his boots. His beard was longer than I imagined.. but his smile. His smile was just the same… it will always feel like home to me. When he hugged me it seemed like we were the only ones in the room. It became so clear why nothing has ever worked out with anyone else… 

Because there's you, it's always been you. 

We had breakfast like we've done a million times in our life, we caught up about work and smiled stupidly at each other across the table, I couldn't stop. We complimented each other, you are the epitome of perfection, my version of it anyway. We told each other how much we missed one another, that we thought of each other often that it will never be the same. We finished our coffee, hugged for a while... you kissed me on the head and then we said goodbye. That was it. 

It's amazing how much my love for you has grown, even when we've been apart, even when we haven't spoken to each other in months. I know you're out there. 
I cried because I have no idea when I will see you again, the next time we'll talk… who knows. 

I'm just going to hold on to what I felt right there in that moment. I am so thankful to know you. 

It was a good reminder to keep pouring love into every single day you are given. No matter where you are or who you're with, even if you wish you were somewhere else, see the good in right now. When you love life as it is given to you, life will love you right back. 

And don't ever be afraid to try again. 

(I want to include this saying in all of my blogs from now on because I say it so much to myself:)

Give yourself grace 

It takes courage to start over, don't let anyone make you feel not worthy of a new day. If you have been working on your own healing, getting your heart right, renewing your spirit, do not let anyone for one second make you feel like you don't deserve that. There will be people that try to take that away from you… keep walking. 

Be aware of their purpose in your life and move on. 
Don't stop. Don't doubt. Don't look back. 

/ K E E P  M O V I N G  F O R W A R D /

We all walk down different roads, each towards a different destination. People won't understand your journey and that's okay, it's yours and yours alone. They don't know where you came from, they weren't there, they don't know you. 

If you feel a calling to do something, to challenge yourself, to change your life, I encourage you to open your heart to adversity..the growing pains. Don't question it any longer. You will not be sorry, 
You will be strong. You will be confident. You will feel like the person you were made to be.  

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The Cottage was just what we needed. It forced us to keep things simple, which was good, it left plenty of free time to ourselves in our own element.
Even the moments of silence we shared felt purposeful. 

Being alone out there in the dark, then looking up at all those stars, it gave me such a sense of peace. 

A lot of you may already know this, but in May of this year I made another tough decision and changed my job, it was scary and uncomfortable. In August, I was promoted to be the Special Care Unit Coordinator  at my facility. The Special Care Unit is our Memory Care/Alzheimer's Unit. It is the most special place I have ever experienced, and it's my job to make sure everyone else thinks so too. I can honestly say that I absolutely love going to work every day, it feels like a blessing to do what I do. 

This job has opened my life up to so many new things. One of the most ironic things about working with older adults, you really get the sense that life really is way too damn short. The unit is one of those places that brings out the best of life in people, that's our goal. Our goal is to provide an environment that allows people to be themselves… to bring back those memories and create moments of joy.  Another thing I love about it is that it forces me out of my comfort zone in different ways every s i n g l e day. No two days are the same. It may be one of those things you have to be there to understand but, if Ms. Brown only smiles if you stand in front of her and dance around smiling like an idiot, guess who's going to be dancing around smiling like an idiot? Me. And tomorrow it could be completely different. It just teaches you to love others selflessly, it makes you a better person. 

I feel like the most meaningful changes we make in our life are scary and uncomfortable. The ones that force you out of your comfort zone, like choosing to go sober for once, ending a long term relationship,  or switching jobs after three years- it hurts at first, there's always growing pains, but in the end if we trust in that little voice that says we should do it, we should probably do it. It might be the best thing that's ever happened to us. 

Now that i'm back I feel so empowered, 
I feel like I finally gained some clarity and understand some people's purpose in my life, why it felt good, then why it hurt so bad. It's overwhelming in a way, it feels too easy to move on. 

So today I sat on the floor and wrote several letters to people.. I asked God to open my heart to feel and wrote out everything I never got the chance to say, It felt good to finally be able to express myself when in the moment I couldn't,  the moment of closure I've been hoping for. Then I released all the feels into the atmosphere, I burned the letters. I just let it all go. 

Somethings are better left unsaid. 
What will be, will be.

I can say I am nothing but thankful for all the people brought in and out of my life, I understand that I wouldn't be who I am right now without  them. 

I am proud of who I am, I have faith in who I'm supposed to be. 
And most importantly, I am not afraid to try again. 

See what not drinking for 43 days and being trapped in a little Cottage on the side of a mountain will do to you? 

Oh!  And I know I've been getting a lot of questions about why I decided to get sober. It was just another uncomfortable thing that I had been avoiding but knew that I should do, it just kept coming up. I'll save the long version for another blog another time. 

But for the people who saw me drinking beer on my snapchat and then thought to message me about it… although i'm sure your questions and comments come from a supportive place, it felt really discouraging to think that I had somehow disappointed you. 

It was never a goal of mine to not have a drink for the rest of my life. I have learned that (*in my life*) Alcohol should be used as a celebratory tradition, like when you get to see your best friend of 13 years for the first time in a longgg time, like what you saw on my snapchat. I know what's good and what's not good for my body, what feels right and what doesn't, I've worked really hard to find that balance, mentally and physically. You find what works best for you, I'll find what works best for me and we'll just stick with that. 

I'm not here to explain myself but...

I just want us all to be aware and considerate of how we encourage and support others, think about what we say before we say it, actually be be conscious of our thoughts and stop the negativity right there.  We may see and follow people's journey on social media but in reality we have no idea what this person's life is like. As badass as people want to seem, we're all fighting our own battles and the opinions of others carry more weight than we think. 

If you can't be positive, than just be quiet. 

Besides, we're all on the same team here. 

I think I mainly wanted to say is that life is such a beautiful, beautiful thing. You do what feels right for you and keep moving forward, keep pouring love and positivity into all of your days, live life with purpose and appreciation. Don't be afraid to start over, tomorrow is a brand new day, A whole new opportunity to be whoever you want to be. When you choose to open your heart and to be accepting of change, 

You'll be amazed what life has to offer. 

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(Sorry for the rambling) 

Namaste :)

October 1st, 2017

We haven't talked in a while.. possibly the longest we've gone in years. 
The longer we go the more I notice you're constantly on my mind. 
It seems like I could be doing anything: driving down a pretty road, picking out my coffee cup for the day or writing a to-do list, It never fails, I will think about you. 
I've been trying to "fix"that. 

I've been spending my time trying to process through all these emotions.. 
I've been in denial and told myself, "he'll be back" or "he'll call me when he's drunk." I've been angry and tried to hate you, reminded myself of how bad the bad times were. I've had flashbacks of arguments and all the times we almost didn't make it. I've been mad at myself, for caring so much and letting you leave in the first place. I've been sad.. I've felt lonely and cried a little, and then there were times I tried to avoid feeling anything at all.

But then there are mornings like today. 

Today is the Sunday, our day. It's cold and cloudy outside, a perfect day. 
A perfect day for a Lord of the Rings marathon, you'll insist it and then fall asleep on the couch behind me. A perfect day for a cup of coffee in bed, you always know just how I like it. A perfect day for jazz music and a walk with the dog, i'll never forget about the bouquets of wildflowers you'd leave for me. 

I like looking back and remembering your smile; hearing your laugh while walking down the streets of Rome, drunk off love and red wine. Climbing rocks at midnight to get away from the crowd on the beaches of Hawaii, the smell of your truck going down a backroad.. all the dances in the kitchen. 

What a beautiful love we had, the love of a lifetime, I am so thankful it was you who got to share that with me. 

"I could think about goodbye and forget about all the good stuff. 
But you loved me and I loved you too. 
Thats what I think about when I think about you."

I've been slowly but surely learning that what you put into this life you get out; 
put in happiness, put in thankfulness, put in joy. 
Allow yourself to feel the things you need to feel, 
give yourself grace. 
Remember to be balanced; to find hope and purpose in the dark place. 
Do not underestimate the power of positivity. 

How do you move on from the most perfect person? 

I guess I'll start here. 

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