my wish

Don't say it's over
Cause that's the worst news I 
could hear I swear that I will 
Do my best to be here 
just the way you like it
Even though its hard to hide
Push my feelings all aside
I will rearrange my plans and 
change for you

If I could go back 
That's the first thing I would do 
I swear that I would
Do my best to follow through
Come up with a master plan
A homerun hit, a winning stand
A gaurantee and not a promise
That I'll never let your love 
slip from my hands

If it's the beaches 
If it's the beaches' sands you want
Then you will have them
If it's the mountains' bending rivers
Then you will have them
If it's the wish to run away 
Then I will grant it
Take whatever you think of
While I go gas up the truck
Pack the old love letters up
We will read them when 
we forget why we left here

I miss you, Colorado.

I feel like I have turned into a selfish person.
I put my wants and needs in front of most of the people in my life.
I take more than I give.
The only thing I feel sorry about is not feeling sorry.


My initial thought coming to this realization was to run.
To go somewhere else, start over...
Why can't I stay and face the music,
actually fix things? 


I'm afraid of being vulnerable, I'm afraid of being wrong.


I AM AFRAID OF A LOT OF THINGS.




I remember when I was sixteen, my dad and I went to pick up my brother from jail. I remember looking up at the huge building that had no windows and feeling empathetic for the people inside. All those birds wanting to see the sun and to just be free. I remember telling my dad that I wanted to help people like that. I told him that those people must need someone to listen to their story, I wanted to be that person. 
My dad has told me a lot of things that I will never forget, but on this day, my dad told me: "Rachel, don't ever let your heart turn cold. Keep it safe so it stays the same forever." 
My heart has been through a lot, lately, it's been through a lot of sadness. It's sad because it misses the joy it used to have. I'm so afraid that it is turning my heart into a bitter mess. 


I feel like everyone has something laid on their heart that they don't think anyone else would ever understand, so they just keep it inside. They just keep the heaviness buried and covered up with fake laughs and smiling faces. They think it's easier that way.


I can see this happening in my own life.
My heart is a tangled up mess that no one else could possibly understand,
I can't even explain it well enough to let someone have the chance.


My life has drifted from God,
and he is the only person that can fully understand what I am going through without me even saying a word.


Isn't that beautiful?


I don't want my heart to be cold anymore.
I don't want to be insensitive and selfish.
I want to be sorry, 
I want to have the strength to admit that I'm sorry.


I want to be me again,
and I know I can't do that on my own.