running around standing still

May you stay here, may you stay here

happy in your own skin, on the ninth cloud

Have you ever tried riding a bicycle against the wind?
It just hurts. 


BE WHO YOU ARE.

No more temporary fixes.
No more empty glass.
No more, no more, no more.

I think  I'm learning when to realize,

enough is enough.

On a normal day, walking down the sidewalk...

a crowd of people pass by. A crowd of people, everyone with some where to go.

I'm standing still, Still I stand looking for you.

just for kicks

Its funny when things work out the exact opposite of what you think they will. 

Initially, it can be frustrating. But in the end, you can't help but to laugh.

I think it's good to be surprised by something. Maybe we should all work on surprising each other.

Let go of something, see if it comes back.

I didn't have to change anything about myself for my boyfriend to like me. 

Every girl deserves a man like that.

Fight for something, anything. 

A wise person once told me, "Sometimes suga, you just gotta do you!"

Days like today always make me think of you.

One day, I will live in Colorado. Preferably, I will live in Ft. Collins. 

<3

Kelly Carpenter:

You are a breath of fresh air. This summer, you were all I had. You were my best friend, my mom, my everything! And guess what, you still are. I can't thank you enough for everything that you do for me. There's not a day that goes by that I don't miss laughing with you and tell myself that you are one of my favorite people on this Earth. Drinking wine in the middle of the day and watching 6 hours of HGTV with you this weekend was just what I needed. 

my wish

Don't say it's over
Cause that's the worst news I 
could hear I swear that I will 
Do my best to be here 
just the way you like it
Even though its hard to hide
Push my feelings all aside
I will rearrange my plans and 
change for you

If I could go back 
That's the first thing I would do 
I swear that I would
Do my best to follow through
Come up with a master plan
A homerun hit, a winning stand
A gaurantee and not a promise
That I'll never let your love 
slip from my hands

If it's the beaches 
If it's the beaches' sands you want
Then you will have them
If it's the mountains' bending rivers
Then you will have them
If it's the wish to run away 
Then I will grant it
Take whatever you think of
While I go gas up the truck
Pack the old love letters up
We will read them when 
we forget why we left here

I miss you, Colorado.

I feel like I have turned into a selfish person.
I put my wants and needs in front of most of the people in my life.
I take more than I give.
The only thing I feel sorry about is not feeling sorry.


My initial thought coming to this realization was to run.
To go somewhere else, start over...
Why can't I stay and face the music,
actually fix things? 


I'm afraid of being vulnerable, I'm afraid of being wrong.


I AM AFRAID OF A LOT OF THINGS.




I remember when I was sixteen, my dad and I went to pick up my brother from jail. I remember looking up at the huge building that had no windows and feeling empathetic for the people inside. All those birds wanting to see the sun and to just be free. I remember telling my dad that I wanted to help people like that. I told him that those people must need someone to listen to their story, I wanted to be that person. 
My dad has told me a lot of things that I will never forget, but on this day, my dad told me: "Rachel, don't ever let your heart turn cold. Keep it safe so it stays the same forever." 
My heart has been through a lot, lately, it's been through a lot of sadness. It's sad because it misses the joy it used to have. I'm so afraid that it is turning my heart into a bitter mess. 


I feel like everyone has something laid on their heart that they don't think anyone else would ever understand, so they just keep it inside. They just keep the heaviness buried and covered up with fake laughs and smiling faces. They think it's easier that way.


I can see this happening in my own life.
My heart is a tangled up mess that no one else could possibly understand,
I can't even explain it well enough to let someone have the chance.


My life has drifted from God,
and he is the only person that can fully understand what I am going through without me even saying a word.


Isn't that beautiful?


I don't want my heart to be cold anymore.
I don't want to be insensitive and selfish.
I want to be sorry, 
I want to have the strength to admit that I'm sorry.


I want to be me again,
and I know I can't do that on my own.

What a night for a dance, you know I'm a dancing machine
With a fire in my bones and the sweet taste of kerosene
I get lost in the night so high I don't want to come down
To face the loss of the good thing that I've found

In the dark of the night I could hear you calling my name
With the hardest of hearts I still feel full of pain
So I drink and I smoke and I ask you if you're ever around
Even though it was me who drove us right in the ground

See the time we shared it was precious to me
But all the while I was dreaming of revelry

Born to run, baby run like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind in my back I don't ever even bat an eye
Just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart
But the demon and me were the best of friends from the start

So the time we shared it was precious to me
All the while I was dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry

And I told myself boy away you go, it rained so hard it felt like snow
Everything came tumbling down on me
In the back of the woods in the dark of the night
Paleness of the old moonlight everything just felt so incomplete

Dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry
Dreaming of revelry

Just be alone for a second.

home is where you make it

If you ask me how I'm doing, i'll say just fine.
I was looking for something, 
searching for an answer.


I was looking for something to move me,
something to make a difference in my life.
I need a distraction, something to challenge me. 

The funny thing about life is that when your source of strength is gone, you are forced to expose your weaknesses. The things that used to be so easy for me, are now so so hard. I'm totally out of my comfort zone, but it's nice. It's gonna make me stronger. 

Take it one day at a time.

"A wise man once said you can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it. What he meant is nothing comes without a price. So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose. Too often, going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right, and letting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building. Of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming, when we don't have time to come up with a strategy to pick a side or to measure the potential loss. When that happens, when the battle chooses us and not the other way around, that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear."

I have challenged myself with something that most people think is silly, 

and you know, when I told my friends, most of them laughed at me. They said: "Oh yah, I call bull shit on that. You won't last," What the heck is that about? I think we all need those people in our life though. Those people make you try even harder. Friends or not. 

I know what I'm fighting for, I know it's worth it. 

This weekend I was trapped in Milton. No communication with friends that I was dying to see. Just mom and Tropical Storm Lee. I had one of the best weekends I've had in a long, long, long time. I feel like I actually took the time to enjoy time with my mom instead of wishing I was somewhere else. We sat in the bath tub with all the beer in the house, smoking, laughing, preparing for a tornado. I am friends with my mom. I think thats the only thing we both know how to be. 

The things that I've been through in my life have brought me right here.

I have a great life, it's my own.

The people have around me have made me feel like I am enough. I am enough just being me. 

i am: 

-selfish

-insecure

-broken

-sarcastic

-mean to my brother

-OCD about t-shirt sleeves

-a procrastinator

-secretive

-a picky eater

-easily annoyed

-overly nice to mean people

-flawed

he likes me that way.

:)