Just keep moving forward

------------------------------

I spent the last few days completely unplugged in this little cottage out in the middle of no where. The cottage was completely surrounded by rolling hills and snowy mountains. It had no electricity, no running water.. no cell phone service, completely off the grid. This family of a mom and two girls made home cooked meals for us and then carried them up this steep ass hill every day, there was so much love in such a little place. We had all we needed: wide open spaces, solitude, and quietness. Like... it was so quiet. 

I was alone with my thoughts for a long time… and it was so good for me. It's been a long time since i've sat down in a quiet place to actually clear my head. There was nothing around but wind and an occasional wild animal. I got to journal, explore the woods, finally sit down to read a book, have great conversation and naps in the sun… it was truly paradise. 

The day before we left for the Cottage I got to see him. I was a little nervous at first.. We met downtown. I sat at the table next to the window, the exact spot we sat in the last time we were there. I tried to look distracted with a cup of coffee in my hands but I still anxiously made eye contact with everyone that walked by. I looked down at my shoes for two seconds, wondering if I should've worn something different..And then suddenly, I saw him. He was right across the street stepping out of a white truck, a truck that had been parked there before I had even arrived. I recognized his jacket but his shirt was new. So were his boots. His beard was longer than I imagined.. but his smile. His smile was just the same… it will always feel like home to me. When he hugged me it seemed like we were the only ones in the room. It became so clear why nothing has ever worked out with anyone else… 

Because there's you, it's always been you. 

We had breakfast like we've done a million times in our life, we caught up about work and smiled stupidly at each other across the table, I couldn't stop. We complimented each other, you are the epitome of perfection, my version of it anyway. We told each other how much we missed one another, that we thought of each other often that it will never be the same. We finished our coffee, hugged for a while... you kissed me on the head and then we said goodbye. That was it. 

It's amazing how much my love for you has grown, even when we've been apart, even when we haven't spoken to each other in months. I know you're out there. 
I cried because I have no idea when I will see you again, the next time we'll talk… who knows. 

I'm just going to hold on to what I felt right there in that moment. I am so thankful to know you. 

It was a good reminder to keep pouring love into every single day you are given. No matter where you are or who you're with, even if you wish you were somewhere else, see the good in right now. When you love life as it is given to you, life will love you right back. 

And don't ever be afraid to try again. 

(I want to include this saying in all of my blogs from now on because I say it so much to myself:)

Give yourself grace 

It takes courage to start over, don't let anyone make you feel not worthy of a new day. If you have been working on your own healing, getting your heart right, renewing your spirit, do not let anyone for one second make you feel like you don't deserve that. There will be people that try to take that away from you… keep walking. 

Be aware of their purpose in your life and move on. 
Don't stop. Don't doubt. Don't look back. 

/ K E E P  M O V I N G  F O R W A R D /

We all walk down different roads, each towards a different destination. People won't understand your journey and that's okay, it's yours and yours alone. They don't know where you came from, they weren't there, they don't know you. 

If you feel a calling to do something, to challenge yourself, to change your life, I encourage you to open your heart to adversity..the growing pains. Don't question it any longer. You will not be sorry, 
You will be strong. You will be confident. You will feel like the person you were made to be.  

------------------------------

The Cottage was just what we needed. It forced us to keep things simple, which was good, it left plenty of free time to ourselves in our own element.
Even the moments of silence we shared felt purposeful. 

Being alone out there in the dark, then looking up at all those stars, it gave me such a sense of peace. 

A lot of you may already know this, but in May of this year I made another tough decision and changed my job, it was scary and uncomfortable. In August, I was promoted to be the Special Care Unit Coordinator  at my facility. The Special Care Unit is our Memory Care/Alzheimer's Unit. It is the most special place I have ever experienced, and it's my job to make sure everyone else thinks so too. I can honestly say that I absolutely love going to work every day, it feels like a blessing to do what I do. 

This job has opened my life up to so many new things. One of the most ironic things about working with older adults, you really get the sense that life really is way too damn short. The unit is one of those places that brings out the best of life in people, that's our goal. Our goal is to provide an environment that allows people to be themselves… to bring back those memories and create moments of joy.  Another thing I love about it is that it forces me out of my comfort zone in different ways every s i n g l e day. No two days are the same. It may be one of those things you have to be there to understand but, if Ms. Brown only smiles if you stand in front of her and dance around smiling like an idiot, guess who's going to be dancing around smiling like an idiot? Me. And tomorrow it could be completely different. It just teaches you to love others selflessly, it makes you a better person. 

I feel like the most meaningful changes we make in our life are scary and uncomfortable. The ones that force you out of your comfort zone, like choosing to go sober for once, ending a long term relationship,  or switching jobs after three years- it hurts at first, there's always growing pains, but in the end if we trust in that little voice that says we should do it, we should probably do it. It might be the best thing that's ever happened to us. 

Now that i'm back I feel so empowered, 
I feel like I finally gained some clarity and understand some people's purpose in my life, why it felt good, then why it hurt so bad. It's overwhelming in a way, it feels too easy to move on. 

So today I sat on the floor and wrote several letters to people.. I asked God to open my heart to feel and wrote out everything I never got the chance to say, It felt good to finally be able to express myself when in the moment I couldn't,  the moment of closure I've been hoping for. Then I released all the feels into the atmosphere, I burned the letters. I just let it all go. 

Somethings are better left unsaid. 
What will be, will be.

I can say I am nothing but thankful for all the people brought in and out of my life, I understand that I wouldn't be who I am right now without  them. 

I am proud of who I am, I have faith in who I'm supposed to be. 
And most importantly, I am not afraid to try again. 

See what not drinking for 43 days and being trapped in a little Cottage on the side of a mountain will do to you? 

Oh!  And I know I've been getting a lot of questions about why I decided to get sober. It was just another uncomfortable thing that I had been avoiding but knew that I should do, it just kept coming up. I'll save the long version for another blog another time. 

But for the people who saw me drinking beer on my snapchat and then thought to message me about it… although i'm sure your questions and comments come from a supportive place, it felt really discouraging to think that I had somehow disappointed you. 

It was never a goal of mine to not have a drink for the rest of my life. I have learned that (*in my life*) Alcohol should be used as a celebratory tradition, like when you get to see your best friend of 13 years for the first time in a longgg time, like what you saw on my snapchat. I know what's good and what's not good for my body, what feels right and what doesn't, I've worked really hard to find that balance, mentally and physically. You find what works best for you, I'll find what works best for me and we'll just stick with that. 

I'm not here to explain myself but...

I just want us all to be aware and considerate of how we encourage and support others, think about what we say before we say it, actually be be conscious of our thoughts and stop the negativity right there.  We may see and follow people's journey on social media but in reality we have no idea what this person's life is like. As badass as people want to seem, we're all fighting our own battles and the opinions of others carry more weight than we think. 

If you can't be positive, than just be quiet. 

Besides, we're all on the same team here. 

I think I mainly wanted to say is that life is such a beautiful, beautiful thing. You do what feels right for you and keep moving forward, keep pouring love and positivity into all of your days, live life with purpose and appreciation. Don't be afraid to start over, tomorrow is a brand new day, A whole new opportunity to be whoever you want to be. When you choose to open your heart and to be accepting of change, 

You'll be amazed what life has to offer. 

------------------------------

(Sorry for the rambling) 

Namaste :)

October 1st, 2017

We haven't talked in a while.. possibly the longest we've gone in years. 
The longer we go the more I notice you're constantly on my mind. 
It seems like I could be doing anything: driving down a pretty road, picking out my coffee cup for the day or writing a to-do list, It never fails, I will think about you. 
I've been trying to "fix"that. 

I've been spending my time trying to process through all these emotions.. 
I've been in denial and told myself, "he'll be back" or "he'll call me when he's drunk." I've been angry and tried to hate you, reminded myself of how bad the bad times were. I've had flashbacks of arguments and all the times we almost didn't make it. I've been mad at myself, for caring so much and letting you leave in the first place. I've been sad.. I've felt lonely and cried a little, and then there were times I tried to avoid feeling anything at all.

But then there are mornings like today. 

Today is the Sunday, our day. It's cold and cloudy outside, a perfect day. 
A perfect day for a Lord of the Rings marathon, you'll insist it and then fall asleep on the couch behind me. A perfect day for a cup of coffee in bed, you always know just how I like it. A perfect day for jazz music and a walk with the dog, i'll never forget about the bouquets of wildflowers you'd leave for me. 

I like looking back and remembering your smile; hearing your laugh while walking down the streets of Rome, drunk off love and red wine. Climbing rocks at midnight to get away from the crowd on the beaches of Hawaii, the smell of your truck going down a backroad.. all the dances in the kitchen. 

What a beautiful love we had, the love of a lifetime, I am so thankful it was you who got to share that with me. 

"I could think about goodbye and forget about all the good stuff. 
But you loved me and I loved you too. 
Thats what I think about when I think about you."

I've been slowly but surely learning that what you put into this life you get out; 
put in happiness, put in thankfulness, put in joy. 
Allow yourself to feel the things you need to feel, 
give yourself grace. 
Remember to be balanced; to find hope and purpose in the dark place. 
Do not underestimate the power of positivity. 

How do you move on from the most perfect person? 

I guess I'll start here. 

----

Dear Friend,

Today I got to sleep in,
I got to have pizza for breakfast and rode my bike to the farmer's market.
Today I had the best cup of coffee i've had in a long time. 
I watched little kids joyfully play while the sun kissed my face. 

My days have been filled with so much love lately… 
I laugh a lot and smile even more. 
I feel lighthearted and appreciative of the world around me.

After all, there is so much to be thankful for. 

I've come to the realization that in order to open our hearts to the good in the world we have to clear out the negative crap taking up too much space, we just have to. 

"Out with the old, in with the new," they say.

I've changed quite a few things in my life this year, it hasn't been an easy process by any means. 

I moved out of the house I've lived in since I've moved to Colorado to live with people I barely knew, I changed my job and transferred to a new facility, said goodbye to a lot of people I spent years learning to how to love. 

Change is fucking hard. 

It was not easy for me to walk around at my new job not knowing the people or where the bathroom is.. How do I make copies? Who does this? Who does that? 

Constantly questioning why I left where I was in the first place. 
I knew I had to leave, I wasn't growing.. I felt myself in a slow back slide. 

It was very uncomfortable. 

It's amazing what happens when we lose our safety net.. 
When we get pushed outside of our comfort zone…
I feel like this is when we realize who we really are, what we are really capable of. 

It's been fun opening my heart to new things.. new processes, new learning experiences, new people, new places, new…everything. 

They way we navigate through the unknown says a lot about who we are as people. 

It's amazing what will happen when you clear out the clutter; love and happiness came flooding into my life like i've never experienced. 

Like I said before, when we allow ourselves to open ourselves up to these new things, some old things may get left behind, its sad at first.  

As human beings we are selfish! We are so good at making things about ourselves… We are constantly finding ways to compare ourselves to others and subconsciously making other people's decisions about ourselves.

In the end, all we really have is ourselves. We have to learn to take care of us.. to have the strength to let negative situations and people go.

I'm learning how to be the good kind of selfish. 

Sometimes, I just want a sign above my head that says "This is not about you. WHAT I DO IS NOT ABOUT YOU." 

As I was full of appreciation for this perfect June day, letting joy fill my heart as I breathed it all in…
I got a text message. 

I got a text message that for a moment.. changed everything. 

It's amazing how one second you can feel so content and then the next you want to smash something. 

I've become so accustomed to carrying the weight of other peoples emotions.. I feel like as a social worker that's kind of what we do. It is a habit that is really hard to break, but over time, it becomes easier. 

"Take a step back" I told myself. 

When I read this text message, I felt heavy. That was its intention after all. I wanted to react quickly and sharply. Instead, I said nothing. 

I took a second to look around me.. the sun is still shining with all it's glory… 

I caught myself doing that thing again.. that thing us humans do.. 
Making what this person said about myself! WHY DO WE DO THAT?!

From a very young age, I had to learn that the things people do have nothing to do with me. My therapist used to drill in my head: "What people say and do says more about them than it does about you." You've probably heard me say this a million times, it's a damn good mantra to have.

We all seek closure differently, some people are able to just let things go, other people need a reason for everything. 

So for those people, this blog is for you.

Dear Friend, 

I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sorry that you have questions and I don't have the answers you are looking for. But first and foremost, I am sorry that you are hurting. 

We haven't talked in a while and that obviously bothers you. 
Somewhere along the lines, life happened. 

We became frustrated with each other, said things to other people, it came back around. 
It always comes back around. 

Simply put, I've moved on.
I've let it go.
There are no hard feelings to share, I appreciate the happy moments we spent together,
I will carry our talks and laughs with me through the years. 

Somewhere along the lines, our actions and what we believe in just stopped coinciding. 

Its not a negative thing.. Life just does that. As humans we are ever evolving creatures. 

We all handle our life experiences in different ways, they end up making us who we are. 

I didn't stop talking to you to hurt you. 
I didn't stop answering your text messages to be "a bitch," 
It just is what it is. 

As today showed me, I still have a hard time separating my emotions from yours and it's hurtful to me. 

I know that's hard to hear… but this isn't about you. 
It's about me. 

I hope you can find peace.. I hope you can find the comfort you're looking for within yourself.
I hope you learn to appreciate the uncomfortable circumstances that life brings to you…
I hope it opens up your heart to the love and light you're searching for.  

I hope you can let it go, all of it. The negativity, the blame, the guilt. 
Not just from our situation, but from every situation. 

I hope you appreciate the people around you that love you, love them like they love you. 
The people that don't? Let them go. 
Clear out space in your heart for new wonderful things. 

Don't let the words and actions of others dictate who you are. 
You know yourself better than anyone else. Be brave. 

Dear friend, I hope this helps you.  
I hope you have some clarity and feel better about our situation. 

If you don't….
Know that I am undoubtedly sorry I've hurt you. 
It's not you, it's me. 

Look up in the sky, it's still a beautiful day. 

Sincerely, 
Me 

To everything there is a season

Honestly, I don't know why we tend to avoid the things we know will make us feel better. 

It's true, I only delete my Facebook and start posting blogs when I'm heartbroken, everyone knows that. 
I avoid Facebook like the plague when I don't feel like myself. Writing my crazy blogs, telling my story, what ever this is.. it always brings me back where I need to be. 

But in my defense, I really don't think it's my heart that did it this time.  

I mean, I did get dumped. 

I definitely got dumped. I got dumped after a football game at three o'clock in the morning.

Honestly, I feel like I had no signs that it was coming. 

(I guess that's what all the people that drink too much would say.)

Anyway, that was that.  

"Such is life" they say. 

Oh, I'll be the first to admit I was definitely upset afterwards. Not the classy kind of upset, either. My Southern roots came out a little bit. I think I kicked my car (a couple times) and yelled curse words out in the street (I'm sorry about that). I had a dying cell phone, $22 in my pocket, and no ride home. Embarrassing. 

As I'm frantically pacing around this guys driveway, I found myself more concerned about my current relationship with Verizon Wireless. 

Nothing was working. 

4GLTE, "Nation's Best Network," My ass. I could barely get to the app store let alone have the oppurtunity to actually download Uber OR Lyft. None of my friends were answering, I could barely get enough bars to Google T-A-X-I (when I spelled it right). 

I was tequila drunk with one eye closed trying to look back and remember every Yellow Cab billboard I had seen throughout my 25-years of life. Just for future reference, 433-3333 is actually not a generic Taxi cab phone number. 
I must've done what any normal person would do, I gave up and called my mom. I could tell because #411 was in my recent calls and she is the only person I know that would ever think to recommend calling that number (it still works, by the way).  

I look back and laugh now because I can so picture my mother drunkenly answering the phone at 3 am, "Rachel just call 4-1-1, they'll know what to do." "Click." 

Judging by my bruises, I must've hit the ground (hard) to immediately start Praising the Lord (Sister Mary, Allah, everyone that could be worshipped and thanked in that moment) when Yellow Cab Becky showed up. Of course, when an obviously upset, but very thankful, drunk girl crawls into your cab at 3 am...everyone wants to know the story. 
Sigh. Here we go... 

"He said I drink too much" 

I caught her eyes in the rear view mirror and we both laughed a little bit.

That's it.

That's all I had to say to Becky. 

Yellow Cab Becky talked the entire rest of the way home. 

She told me stories of her estranged children and crazy ex-husband(s), the boyfriends that still think they can "get some"… By her edge *cough*defensiveness*cough,* I got the feeling that she has been through some shit. 

Her stories made me look back and reflect on this past year. I immediately went into panic mode and rolled down the window, preparing myself for an anxiety attack. 

Crap. 

Am I a Yellow Cab Becky? Am I one of those girls that starts out pretty relatable and then turns out to be crazy? The one who fights in parking lots and stalks men at the grocery store? The one who really does ask to have a threesome with his friends? Am I going to throw up in this cab? 

I started analyzing my every relationship and questioning my normalcy, what the hell just happened? It's funny how one moment of rejection can make us go back to 1999 and question every interaction we've had since then…while we fight to recognize that one moment in time we may have lost our shit. 

I kept watching the toll go up as Becky was talking. I hated to interrupt her story about her first bar fight but I had to tell her, 

"Becky, I only have $22. You're going to have to stop right here." 

"Oh child, how far away are we?" 

…Damn, at least 6 more miles. Do I lie? What do I say?

"I can walk from here, seriously, I'll be fine."

"Shut the fuck up, child. I'm driving you home." 

Within the first 5 minutes of being in the car together, I learned it's probably not a good idea to argue with Becky. 
I just said thank you and let her finish her story. 

As we pulled up to my house, my heart sank, my calm state instantly reverted back into tequila-drunken-just-broken-up-with-Rachel. "Fuck." 

Becky got out and opened the door for me. I must've been sitting there paralyzed, legs stuck to the leather seat, probably on the verge of an anxiety attack, definitely crying on the inside for a good minute because she handed me her hand like she would absolutely need to chaperone me to the front door.  

"What's wrong, child? Ain't this your house?" 

(I wish I could type in accents)

She asked me like.. as if I really was a child, a child that's sad the ride is over and wants to go around the ferris wheel just one more time. 

"I just remembered... I don't have my house keys." 

Becky had saved me that night. Not only had she diverted the entire awkward car conversation to herself but she also drove me way farther than she should have. 

But Yellow Cab Becky already had that look in her eye like she had done this before. 
Her job wasn't done here.

"Well child.. which window are you crawling into?" She asked.

I don't know why, but in that moment, I totally put all my trust in Yellow Cab Becky. 

It didn't take that woman five seconds before she put me on her very shoulders so all 5'3"of my drunken self could fit through my living room window. 

She threw a business card in after me and told me to call her anytime, 

"Oh, and for the record, you're fucking 25-years-old. You all drink too much."

Her card is still on the refrigerator, in case of emergency, or if I just need a fun drinking buddy.

I woke up on my couch the next morning, the night before feeling like a dream. 

It was a pretty fall day. 

It still all seemed unreal until I saw the window screen on the floor. 
I checked my phone to see 14 unread text messages from the widest assortment of people.

It all started coming back to me. 

What in the world made me think my old roommate from Cullowhee could give me a ride home? Or my childhood best friend from YMCA camp? I have no idea. But, they actually responded to my cry for help and for that I am thankful. 

The next Monday at work was rough.. 

As soon as I walked in the front door, the receptionist told me I was needed at the hospital. 

Ah, back to grown-up world. 

Little did I know, I would spend the entire day defending my integrity as a social worker from one-sided nurses and angry family members. I think at one point the Palliative Care Specialist from the hospital told me I needed to further my education and that I wasn't competent enough to do my job. The situation became less and less about what this family needed but more about what I had done wrong, what my company had done wrong. There was misdirected blame and heartbreak everywhere. 

Oh, Social Work. Just what I needed. 

I thought back about Becky's bar fight story, "You may as well lett'er hit you while you're down there. No sense in fallin' down twice." 

Good advice. 

The next day, I was trapped in my office for over an hour discussing the situation with administration. Then corporate called and wanted a conference call ASAP.  I was not in the mood for anyone to be knocking on my door. 

"I'm sorry, Rachel. I just need a moment of your time."

I walked back into my office, grabbed my pen and excused myself from the conference call. 

"Are you having a good day?" 

"I'm sorry… but, no. No, I'm really not." 

(Usually, I would never answer that question honestly. Who does? No one. But like I said, on this day, my compassion was g o n e. )

"I'm sorry to bother you, Rachel. I know you're busy. (Woman starts to cry) (I start to feel like crap) I just found out my brother died this morning and I still need to tell my mom...I need you to be there when I tell my mom." 

Not only did this moment cause me to stop breathing for a second,

But it was in this very moment that I realized that.. I am not the broken one. 

Pain… Pain is all so relevant. 

This woman just lost her brother, her life long best friend. 
And her mother? Her mother just lost her oldest son. 

That is pain. That is loss. That is heart break. 

With no time to prepare, like life often does, it happens just like that.  

Thinking about that emotionally draining day at the hospital.. those people were about to lose their Dad. 
Of course it had to be someone's fault. Some times things happen in life that are so bad there has to be someone to blame… those things can't just happen. 
Not in real life. Not in my life. 

Who was I to feel annoyed? Who was I to feel impatient and defensive? 
Who the hell was I?! 

Then looking at myself being all down and out over a boyfriend breaking up with me it's…

it's n o t h i n g. 

Really? Who am I? Who the hell am I?! 

My problems, my pain, my loss…
It was a 4-month long relationship. 
Such a small snippet of my grand, wonderful life. 

Sure, I really liked him. We had great times together, I will smile thinking of all of them.

Sure, I miss him and think about him, more times than I probably should. It doesn't make me angry.  

Sure, It feels like something is missing. Someone that was a part of your life every day, suddenly isn't. It's not bad, just different. Sometimes "different" takes time to get used to.

Sure, It hurts. I'm a fucking human being and I take relationships seriously. 

I've been here before, i'll probably be here again.

This is the kind of pain that is sure to pass.

The pain that this woman is experiencing will stay with her for a lifetime.  

P E R S P E C T I V E. 

My job can be so tough. 

It can suck the life out of you, or it can bring it all back.  

I get to be the one in the room when people hear the worst news of their life. I get to be the person people can blame and yell at when they are hurt, I get to be the one living that moment with them, the one keeping it all together. Me. 
At the end of the day, I don't even feel like it's something I have to do, it's shouldn't be called "work". It's something that I am able to do, I am able to respond to these situations with the love and understanding these people need. 
It's a gift, a privilege.  

It really is very humbling and a constant reminder to me of all the important things in life I take for granted: falling leaves, a good breeze, that one song on the radio, the smell of fresh coffee, a good phone call, a pretty sunset, the kindness of a stranger…In the end, it's the little things that are the big things, those are the moments that people talk about. 

And even though some moments can really knock the wind out of us, we have the power to choose which moments we make significant: That time your boyfriend broke up with you because you drink too much? Or that time a taxi cab driver helped you climb into your living room window? 

I can never feel sorry for myself for long, 

this world is such a big, big, beautiful place. 
& I have so much love to give. 

Life is too short to be upset, to be angry.. to feel judged. 

Look around. 

It took someone else's life falling apart for me to realize mine was just coming together. 

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1 

the day I remembered

It's another rainy Saturday morning in Colorado. 
I spent all Friday night scrubbing the house from the top floor to the bottom-

-tomorrow is moving day. 

Not for me, but for her. 

Tomorrow I am getting a new roommate; her name is Dakota, and I met her on Craig's list. 

This house on 2nd Street has never been so clean. I've probably taken at least three trash bags of clothes and two car loads of boxes to goodwill. 

Man, it feels good to get rid of stuff!

Honestly I probably went overload. 
Once I decide I don't want something, I have to get rid of it right then or else that's how I still end up with dresses I wore in 10th grade or eating way more french fries than planned. 

That's when I found myself emotionally driving over to Good will. I was the girl slamming down boxes all wine drunk yelling at the guy in the blue vest "Just take it! Just take it all!" 

He said it happens all the time, so, here's to those other girls out there sorting through their shit! 

I'll probably regret it when I go to cook pasta and realize I have given away my favorite pot and strainer. Oh, well. 



I've been making a few drastic changes in my life these days…
Well I guess not really by choice, just the dramatic fate of circumstance. 
(Some people still call that choice, I have learned.) 

If you were to ask me a year ago how I pictured my life would be today, I would describe it as the exact opposite of my life right now. Life has it's weird way of bringing people in and out of our lives. 
And to say that these entrances and exits are unexpected is the understatement of the year. 

I remember when God was speaking to me over a year ago about the changes I needed to make in my life. You know, when we kick the dirt and hesitate to have faith and make these changes, he's gonna make them for you. And you know what? It's gonna hurt. 

Imagine if we never hesitated to follow our hearts, 
imagine if we all did what we knew was right, the first time we felt it. 

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that God is the ultimate decision maker in my life, always has been. No one knows what your heart needs like the one who created love itself. 

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that God doesn't want people to be broken hearted, he cries when you cry, he feels pain when you feel pain; God wants us to have faith in him, he wants us to believe in a future we can't yet see. 

But here I am, debating on putting that whiskey I found in the freezer in my coffee. It's 10:00am. 

The house is so empty, it's like living in a fancy art museum with one painting on the wall. When I was showing the house to rent, people thought I was moving out! 

I'm starting my third year in this house.. My third year in Colorado. 

In my closet I have made an inspiration wall, it's the usual inspo stuff: pictures of places i've been and still want to see, quotes from songs and magazines, pictures of family and friends. I look at it every single day while i'm getting ready for work, talking on the phone or putting on PJs.. all the time. 

Before I go on, I just want to remind people in case they've forgotten how sentimental of a person I am.  I hold on to everything.. In my wallet right now you will find one of those paper bands that holds a fork and napkin together with "Peg Leg Pete's" on it. It's from the last time I went home and had a date with my dad. He gave it to me. 

Every time I scrounge around for something to put my gum in I grab that and I just can't throw it away.

So any way, back to my wall. 

After looking at this wall every day, I couldn't help but to notice a few select things that kept sticking out to me, not in a good way. Pictures that once made me instantly happy began to make me feel sad and a little bitter, that little "I love you" note that used to make me smile no matter what, made me think "What if I would've done this.. what if that?" I would look at them and fixate the whole time, completely distracting me from the good things. 

Before I knew it, my inspiration wall was doing the exact opposite of it's design. It was making me question where I'm at in life and where I think I should be. It was too much for me to deal with. 

 I was 17 minutes late for work that day because I had to take those pictures down right then and there. 

Don't get me wrong, I paid my respect to those pictures. I got out a fancy pen and wrote down places and times they were taken, maybe something special about that day. I looked at them all very closely and had good thoughts about every single one.

And then I shoved them in a box under my bed, not to be opened again for a long, long time. 

Man, It feels so good to get rid of stuff! 

Now I look around and all I can see is b l a n k space. New space. A fresh space for something else. 

The last few months have been different for me. 
There was a point when it felt like I had lost everything at once. 
My roommate/really good friend moved out, my boyfriend and I broke up…
It was rough! I was angry and yelling at everyone.. I was short tempered at work and I was really sad. 

The worst part about wearing your heart on your sleeve is that everyone can see it. I'm not one to hide behind my emotions, I'm typically a really happy person. It's completely obvious when something ain't right. There was one morning I remember in particular feeling this way. I was driving back to my house from housesitting and that song came on.

You know the song i'm talking about. That song that makes you stop breathing for a second. That song that puts you on autopilot and forces you to relive every moment lived out with that song. God I just cried and cried. 

What am the fuck am I doing? Why do I feel this way? What am I going to do about it? 

Just then, I heard God speaking to me. I remembered the story of Job in the bible. (Y'all, I haven't been to church in years) but.. Satan told God that if he tested Job's integrity and faith in him, Job would give up and turn against him. Job was left with nothing…. and when he was in his deepest, darkest misery, he still had faith. When he lost loved ones, his livestock, his own health.. he chose love anyway. It's not like God was just silently watching by, he was there for Job. He kept telling Job to hold on a little while longer, He kept reminding Job of the love he had for him, his unfailing love that never leaves. And you know what happened? Job still chose love because he knew at the end of the day that's all he needed to get him through.

I hope to be more like Job. 

I know in my life personally, I feel closest to God when I'm in misery. Of course, just like a child, I come running home when something doesn't go my way. 

In my car that morning, I felt the presence of God. I felt him telling me, "Rachel, you have got to pick yourself up. You have got to get yourself up off the floor. Everything you have been through has led you to here. Pick yourself up, You can do this." 

I thought about that time I ran for 386 days in a row and how many miles and hills I had to conquer in order to move forward. I just cried.

I felt God reminding me, "I have made you strong so you can face tomorrow, GET UP." 

I remembered. I remembered the clarity that love for yourself brings to you. I remembered that I deserve more. I deserve happiness.. I deserve to feel the grace that has been given to me. 

He's not done with me yet. 

I am Rachel Lehmann. 
I am the only person who gets to decide what that really means. 

God has a future for me, a life planned for me that I couldn't come close to planning myself. Hell,  I can't even plan for next weekend. Now when I  catch myself feeling sad, looking around at the blank spaces, I picture what it could be. I picture what and who could live in those spaces now that I have cleaned out the things that… I know aren't right for me right now. 

Ahh.. the power of positivity. 

The way we look at things can literally change our lives. 

Find the beauty in the blank spaces, 
Have faith in the changes happening in your life.

Tomorrow is the start of another brand new beginning. 

Stay positive, friends.