Dear Friend,

Today I got to sleep in,
I got to have pizza for breakfast and rode my bike to the farmer's market.
Today I had the best cup of coffee i've had in a long time. 
I watched little kids joyfully play while the sun kissed my face. 

My days have been filled with so much love lately… 
I laugh a lot and smile even more. 
I feel lighthearted and appreciative of the world around me.

After all, there is so much to be thankful for. 

I've come to the realization that in order to open our hearts to the good in the world we have to clear out the negative crap taking up too much space, we just have to. 

"Out with the old, in with the new," they say.

I've changed quite a few things in my life this year, it hasn't been an easy process by any means. 

I moved out of the house I've lived in since I've moved to Colorado to live with people I barely knew, I changed my job and transferred to a new facility, said goodbye to a lot of people I spent years learning to how to love. 

Change is fucking hard. 

It was not easy for me to walk around at my new job not knowing the people or where the bathroom is.. How do I make copies? Who does this? Who does that? 

Constantly questioning why I left where I was in the first place. 
I knew I had to leave, I wasn't growing.. I felt myself in a slow back slide. 

It was very uncomfortable. 

It's amazing what happens when we lose our safety net.. 
When we get pushed outside of our comfort zone…
I feel like this is when we realize who we really are, what we are really capable of. 

It's been fun opening my heart to new things.. new processes, new learning experiences, new people, new places, new…everything. 

They way we navigate through the unknown says a lot about who we are as people. 

It's amazing what will happen when you clear out the clutter; love and happiness came flooding into my life like i've never experienced. 

Like I said before, when we allow ourselves to open ourselves up to these new things, some old things may get left behind, its sad at first.  

As human beings we are selfish! We are so good at making things about ourselves… We are constantly finding ways to compare ourselves to others and subconsciously making other people's decisions about ourselves.

In the end, all we really have is ourselves. We have to learn to take care of us.. to have the strength to let negative situations and people go.

I'm learning how to be the good kind of selfish. 

Sometimes, I just want a sign above my head that says "This is not about you. WHAT I DO IS NOT ABOUT YOU." 

As I was full of appreciation for this perfect June day, letting joy fill my heart as I breathed it all in…
I got a text message. 

I got a text message that for a moment.. changed everything. 

It's amazing how one second you can feel so content and then the next you want to smash something. 

I've become so accustomed to carrying the weight of other peoples emotions.. I feel like as a social worker that's kind of what we do. It is a habit that is really hard to break, but over time, it becomes easier. 

"Take a step back" I told myself. 

When I read this text message, I felt heavy. That was its intention after all. I wanted to react quickly and sharply. Instead, I said nothing. 

I took a second to look around me.. the sun is still shining with all it's glory… 

I caught myself doing that thing again.. that thing us humans do.. 
Making what this person said about myself! WHY DO WE DO THAT?!

From a very young age, I had to learn that the things people do have nothing to do with me. My therapist used to drill in my head: "What people say and do says more about them than it does about you." You've probably heard me say this a million times, it's a damn good mantra to have.

We all seek closure differently, some people are able to just let things go, other people need a reason for everything. 

So for those people, this blog is for you.

Dear Friend, 

I'm sorry you are hurting. I'm sorry that you have questions and I don't have the answers you are looking for. But first and foremost, I am sorry that you are hurting. 

We haven't talked in a while and that obviously bothers you. 
Somewhere along the lines, life happened. 

We became frustrated with each other, said things to other people, it came back around. 
It always comes back around. 

Simply put, I've moved on.
I've let it go.
There are no hard feelings to share, I appreciate the happy moments we spent together,
I will carry our talks and laughs with me through the years. 

Somewhere along the lines, our actions and what we believe in just stopped coinciding. 

Its not a negative thing.. Life just does that. As humans we are ever evolving creatures. 

We all handle our life experiences in different ways, they end up making us who we are. 

I didn't stop talking to you to hurt you. 
I didn't stop answering your text messages to be "a bitch," 
It just is what it is. 

As today showed me, I still have a hard time separating my emotions from yours and it's hurtful to me. 

I know that's hard to hear… but this isn't about you. 
It's about me. 

I hope you can find peace.. I hope you can find the comfort you're looking for within yourself.
I hope you learn to appreciate the uncomfortable circumstances that life brings to you…
I hope it opens up your heart to the love and light you're searching for.  

I hope you can let it go, all of it. The negativity, the blame, the guilt. 
Not just from our situation, but from every situation. 

I hope you appreciate the people around you that love you, love them like they love you. 
The people that don't? Let them go. 
Clear out space in your heart for new wonderful things. 

Don't let the words and actions of others dictate who you are. 
You know yourself better than anyone else. Be brave. 

Dear friend, I hope this helps you.  
I hope you have some clarity and feel better about our situation. 

If you don't….
Know that I am undoubtedly sorry I've hurt you. 
It's not you, it's me. 

Look up in the sky, it's still a beautiful day. 

Sincerely, 
Me 

To everything there is a season

Honestly, I don't know why we tend to avoid the things we know will make us feel better. 

It's true, I only delete my Facebook and start posting blogs when I'm heartbroken, everyone knows that. 
I avoid Facebook like the plague when I don't feel like myself. Writing my crazy blogs, telling my story, what ever this is.. it always brings me back where I need to be. 

But in my defense, I really don't think it's my heart that did it this time.  

I mean, I did get dumped. 

I definitely got dumped. I got dumped after a football game at three o'clock in the morning.

Honestly, I feel like I had no signs that it was coming. 

(I guess that's what all the people that drink too much would say.)

Anyway, that was that.  

"Such is life" they say. 

Oh, I'll be the first to admit I was definitely upset afterwards. Not the classy kind of upset, either. My Southern roots came out a little bit. I think I kicked my car (a couple times) and yelled curse words out in the street (I'm sorry about that). I had a dying cell phone, $22 in my pocket, and no ride home. Embarrassing. 

As I'm frantically pacing around this guys driveway, I found myself more concerned about my current relationship with Verizon Wireless. 

Nothing was working. 

4GLTE, "Nation's Best Network," My ass. I could barely get to the app store let alone have the oppurtunity to actually download Uber OR Lyft. None of my friends were answering, I could barely get enough bars to Google T-A-X-I (when I spelled it right). 

I was tequila drunk with one eye closed trying to look back and remember every Yellow Cab billboard I had seen throughout my 25-years of life. Just for future reference, 433-3333 is actually not a generic Taxi cab phone number. 
I must've done what any normal person would do, I gave up and called my mom. I could tell because #411 was in my recent calls and she is the only person I know that would ever think to recommend calling that number (it still works, by the way).  

I look back and laugh now because I can so picture my mother drunkenly answering the phone at 3 am, "Rachel just call 4-1-1, they'll know what to do." "Click." 

Judging by my bruises, I must've hit the ground (hard) to immediately start Praising the Lord (Sister Mary, Allah, everyone that could be worshipped and thanked in that moment) when Yellow Cab Becky showed up. Of course, when an obviously upset, but very thankful, drunk girl crawls into your cab at 3 am...everyone wants to know the story. 
Sigh. Here we go... 

"He said I drink too much" 

I caught her eyes in the rear view mirror and we both laughed a little bit.

That's it.

That's all I had to say to Becky. 

Yellow Cab Becky talked the entire rest of the way home. 

She told me stories of her estranged children and crazy ex-husband(s), the boyfriends that still think they can "get some"… By her edge *cough*defensiveness*cough,* I got the feeling that she has been through some shit. 

Her stories made me look back and reflect on this past year. I immediately went into panic mode and rolled down the window, preparing myself for an anxiety attack. 

Crap. 

Am I a Yellow Cab Becky? Am I one of those girls that starts out pretty relatable and then turns out to be crazy? The one who fights in parking lots and stalks men at the grocery store? The one who really does ask to have a threesome with his friends? Am I going to throw up in this cab? 

I started analyzing my every relationship and questioning my normalcy, what the hell just happened? It's funny how one moment of rejection can make us go back to 1999 and question every interaction we've had since then…while we fight to recognize that one moment in time we may have lost our shit. 

I kept watching the toll go up as Becky was talking. I hated to interrupt her story about her first bar fight but I had to tell her, 

"Becky, I only have $22. You're going to have to stop right here." 

"Oh child, how far away are we?" 

…Damn, at least 6 more miles. Do I lie? What do I say?

"I can walk from here, seriously, I'll be fine."

"Shut the fuck up, child. I'm driving you home." 

Within the first 5 minutes of being in the car together, I learned it's probably not a good idea to argue with Becky. 
I just said thank you and let her finish her story. 

As we pulled up to my house, my heart sank, my calm state instantly reverted back into tequila-drunken-just-broken-up-with-Rachel. "Fuck." 

Becky got out and opened the door for me. I must've been sitting there paralyzed, legs stuck to the leather seat, probably on the verge of an anxiety attack, definitely crying on the inside for a good minute because she handed me her hand like she would absolutely need to chaperone me to the front door.  

"What's wrong, child? Ain't this your house?" 

(I wish I could type in accents)

She asked me like.. as if I really was a child, a child that's sad the ride is over and wants to go around the ferris wheel just one more time. 

"I just remembered... I don't have my house keys." 

Becky had saved me that night. Not only had she diverted the entire awkward car conversation to herself but she also drove me way farther than she should have. 

But Yellow Cab Becky already had that look in her eye like she had done this before. 
Her job wasn't done here.

"Well child.. which window are you crawling into?" She asked.

I don't know why, but in that moment, I totally put all my trust in Yellow Cab Becky. 

It didn't take that woman five seconds before she put me on her very shoulders so all 5'3"of my drunken self could fit through my living room window. 

She threw a business card in after me and told me to call her anytime, 

"Oh, and for the record, you're fucking 25-years-old. You all drink too much."

Her card is still on the refrigerator, in case of emergency, or if I just need a fun drinking buddy.

I woke up on my couch the next morning, the night before feeling like a dream. 

It was a pretty fall day. 

It still all seemed unreal until I saw the window screen on the floor. 
I checked my phone to see 14 unread text messages from the widest assortment of people.

It all started coming back to me. 

What in the world made me think my old roommate from Cullowhee could give me a ride home? Or my childhood best friend from YMCA camp? I have no idea. But, they actually responded to my cry for help and for that I am thankful. 

The next Monday at work was rough.. 

As soon as I walked in the front door, the receptionist told me I was needed at the hospital. 

Ah, back to grown-up world. 

Little did I know, I would spend the entire day defending my integrity as a social worker from one-sided nurses and angry family members. I think at one point the Palliative Care Specialist from the hospital told me I needed to further my education and that I wasn't competent enough to do my job. The situation became less and less about what this family needed but more about what I had done wrong, what my company had done wrong. There was misdirected blame and heartbreak everywhere. 

Oh, Social Work. Just what I needed. 

I thought back about Becky's bar fight story, "You may as well lett'er hit you while you're down there. No sense in fallin' down twice." 

Good advice. 

The next day, I was trapped in my office for over an hour discussing the situation with administration. Then corporate called and wanted a conference call ASAP.  I was not in the mood for anyone to be knocking on my door. 

"I'm sorry, Rachel. I just need a moment of your time."

I walked back into my office, grabbed my pen and excused myself from the conference call. 

"Are you having a good day?" 

"I'm sorry… but, no. No, I'm really not." 

(Usually, I would never answer that question honestly. Who does? No one. But like I said, on this day, my compassion was g o n e. )

"I'm sorry to bother you, Rachel. I know you're busy. (Woman starts to cry) (I start to feel like crap) I just found out my brother died this morning and I still need to tell my mom...I need you to be there when I tell my mom." 

Not only did this moment cause me to stop breathing for a second,

But it was in this very moment that I realized that.. I am not the broken one. 

Pain… Pain is all so relevant. 

This woman just lost her brother, her life long best friend. 
And her mother? Her mother just lost her oldest son. 

That is pain. That is loss. That is heart break. 

With no time to prepare, like life often does, it happens just like that.  

Thinking about that emotionally draining day at the hospital.. those people were about to lose their Dad. 
Of course it had to be someone's fault. Some times things happen in life that are so bad there has to be someone to blame… those things can't just happen. 
Not in real life. Not in my life. 

Who was I to feel annoyed? Who was I to feel impatient and defensive? 
Who the hell was I?! 

Then looking at myself being all down and out over a boyfriend breaking up with me it's…

it's n o t h i n g. 

Really? Who am I? Who the hell am I?! 

My problems, my pain, my loss…
It was a 4-month long relationship. 
Such a small snippet of my grand, wonderful life. 

Sure, I really liked him. We had great times together, I will smile thinking of all of them.

Sure, I miss him and think about him, more times than I probably should. It doesn't make me angry.  

Sure, It feels like something is missing. Someone that was a part of your life every day, suddenly isn't. It's not bad, just different. Sometimes "different" takes time to get used to.

Sure, It hurts. I'm a fucking human being and I take relationships seriously. 

I've been here before, i'll probably be here again.

This is the kind of pain that is sure to pass.

The pain that this woman is experiencing will stay with her for a lifetime.  

P E R S P E C T I V E. 

My job can be so tough. 

It can suck the life out of you, or it can bring it all back.  

I get to be the one in the room when people hear the worst news of their life. I get to be the person people can blame and yell at when they are hurt, I get to be the one living that moment with them, the one keeping it all together. Me. 
At the end of the day, I don't even feel like it's something I have to do, it's shouldn't be called "work". It's something that I am able to do, I am able to respond to these situations with the love and understanding these people need. 
It's a gift, a privilege.  

It really is very humbling and a constant reminder to me of all the important things in life I take for granted: falling leaves, a good breeze, that one song on the radio, the smell of fresh coffee, a good phone call, a pretty sunset, the kindness of a stranger…In the end, it's the little things that are the big things, those are the moments that people talk about. 

And even though some moments can really knock the wind out of us, we have the power to choose which moments we make significant: That time your boyfriend broke up with you because you drink too much? Or that time a taxi cab driver helped you climb into your living room window? 

I can never feel sorry for myself for long, 

this world is such a big, big, beautiful place. 
& I have so much love to give. 

Life is too short to be upset, to be angry.. to feel judged. 

Look around. 

It took someone else's life falling apart for me to realize mine was just coming together. 

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1 

the day I remembered

It's another rainy Saturday morning in Colorado. 
I spent all Friday night scrubbing the house from the top floor to the bottom-

-tomorrow is moving day. 

Not for me, but for her. 

Tomorrow I am getting a new roommate; her name is Dakota, and I met her on Craig's list. 

This house on 2nd Street has never been so clean. I've probably taken at least three trash bags of clothes and two car loads of boxes to goodwill. 

Man, it feels good to get rid of stuff!

Honestly I probably went overload. 
Once I decide I don't want something, I have to get rid of it right then or else that's how I still end up with dresses I wore in 10th grade or eating way more french fries than planned. 

That's when I found myself emotionally driving over to Good will. I was the girl slamming down boxes all wine drunk yelling at the guy in the blue vest "Just take it! Just take it all!" 

He said it happens all the time, so, here's to those other girls out there sorting through their shit! 

I'll probably regret it when I go to cook pasta and realize I have given away my favorite pot and strainer. Oh, well. 



I've been making a few drastic changes in my life these days…
Well I guess not really by choice, just the dramatic fate of circumstance. 
(Some people still call that choice, I have learned.) 

If you were to ask me a year ago how I pictured my life would be today, I would describe it as the exact opposite of my life right now. Life has it's weird way of bringing people in and out of our lives. 
And to say that these entrances and exits are unexpected is the understatement of the year. 

I remember when God was speaking to me over a year ago about the changes I needed to make in my life. You know, when we kick the dirt and hesitate to have faith and make these changes, he's gonna make them for you. And you know what? It's gonna hurt. 

Imagine if we never hesitated to follow our hearts, 
imagine if we all did what we knew was right, the first time we felt it. 

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that God is the ultimate decision maker in my life, always has been. No one knows what your heart needs like the one who created love itself. 

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that God doesn't want people to be broken hearted, he cries when you cry, he feels pain when you feel pain; God wants us to have faith in him, he wants us to believe in a future we can't yet see. 

But here I am, debating on putting that whiskey I found in the freezer in my coffee. It's 10:00am. 

The house is so empty, it's like living in a fancy art museum with one painting on the wall. When I was showing the house to rent, people thought I was moving out! 

I'm starting my third year in this house.. My third year in Colorado. 

In my closet I have made an inspiration wall, it's the usual inspo stuff: pictures of places i've been and still want to see, quotes from songs and magazines, pictures of family and friends. I look at it every single day while i'm getting ready for work, talking on the phone or putting on PJs.. all the time. 

Before I go on, I just want to remind people in case they've forgotten how sentimental of a person I am.  I hold on to everything.. In my wallet right now you will find one of those paper bands that holds a fork and napkin together with "Peg Leg Pete's" on it. It's from the last time I went home and had a date with my dad. He gave it to me. 

Every time I scrounge around for something to put my gum in I grab that and I just can't throw it away.

So any way, back to my wall. 

After looking at this wall every day, I couldn't help but to notice a few select things that kept sticking out to me, not in a good way. Pictures that once made me instantly happy began to make me feel sad and a little bitter, that little "I love you" note that used to make me smile no matter what, made me think "What if I would've done this.. what if that?" I would look at them and fixate the whole time, completely distracting me from the good things. 

Before I knew it, my inspiration wall was doing the exact opposite of it's design. It was making me question where I'm at in life and where I think I should be. It was too much for me to deal with. 

 I was 17 minutes late for work that day because I had to take those pictures down right then and there. 

Don't get me wrong, I paid my respect to those pictures. I got out a fancy pen and wrote down places and times they were taken, maybe something special about that day. I looked at them all very closely and had good thoughts about every single one.

And then I shoved them in a box under my bed, not to be opened again for a long, long time. 

Man, It feels so good to get rid of stuff! 

Now I look around and all I can see is b l a n k space. New space. A fresh space for something else. 

The last few months have been different for me. 
There was a point when it felt like I had lost everything at once. 
My roommate/really good friend moved out, my boyfriend and I broke up…
It was rough! I was angry and yelling at everyone.. I was short tempered at work and I was really sad. 

The worst part about wearing your heart on your sleeve is that everyone can see it. I'm not one to hide behind my emotions, I'm typically a really happy person. It's completely obvious when something ain't right. There was one morning I remember in particular feeling this way. I was driving back to my house from housesitting and that song came on.

You know the song i'm talking about. That song that makes you stop breathing for a second. That song that puts you on autopilot and forces you to relive every moment lived out with that song. God I just cried and cried. 

What am the fuck am I doing? Why do I feel this way? What am I going to do about it? 

Just then, I heard God speaking to me. I remembered the story of Job in the bible. (Y'all, I haven't been to church in years) but.. Satan told God that if he tested Job's integrity and faith in him, Job would give up and turn against him. Job was left with nothing…. and when he was in his deepest, darkest misery, he still had faith. When he lost loved ones, his livestock, his own health.. he chose love anyway. It's not like God was just silently watching by, he was there for Job. He kept telling Job to hold on a little while longer, He kept reminding Job of the love he had for him, his unfailing love that never leaves. And you know what happened? Job still chose love because he knew at the end of the day that's all he needed to get him through.

I hope to be more like Job. 

I know in my life personally, I feel closest to God when I'm in misery. Of course, just like a child, I come running home when something doesn't go my way. 

In my car that morning, I felt the presence of God. I felt him telling me, "Rachel, you have got to pick yourself up. You have got to get yourself up off the floor. Everything you have been through has led you to here. Pick yourself up, You can do this." 

I thought about that time I ran for 386 days in a row and how many miles and hills I had to conquer in order to move forward. I just cried.

I felt God reminding me, "I have made you strong so you can face tomorrow, GET UP." 

I remembered. I remembered the clarity that love for yourself brings to you. I remembered that I deserve more. I deserve happiness.. I deserve to feel the grace that has been given to me. 

He's not done with me yet. 

I am Rachel Lehmann. 
I am the only person who gets to decide what that really means. 

God has a future for me, a life planned for me that I couldn't come close to planning myself. Hell,  I can't even plan for next weekend. Now when I  catch myself feeling sad, looking around at the blank spaces, I picture what it could be. I picture what and who could live in those spaces now that I have cleaned out the things that… I know aren't right for me right now. 

Ahh.. the power of positivity. 

The way we look at things can literally change our lives. 

Find the beauty in the blank spaces, 
Have faith in the changes happening in your life.

Tomorrow is the start of another brand new beginning. 

Stay positive, friends.

  

76/365

There are a lot of times when I hesitate writing because I don't know where or how to start.

That's when I realized, that's the hard thing about starting something new…
You have to start right where you are. 
Start with your hands shaking. 
Start with your knees buckling. 
Start with tears coming down your face. 

Just start.

Life is full of choices,  
They say that the hardest thing and the right thing are often the same…

When the moment comes, when you have to make a choice, you'll know. 

It's like once your heart and brain agree on what choice to make and once your thoughts finally diffuse into one, your body goes into survival mode. It's like God's way of protecting your heart against what is about to come at you. 

I don't know about you, but I feel like in this moment is when an overwhelming numbness falls over my body. It's hard to explain- 



You are focused. You are still. You are ready.

When the other person starts talking, you are not afraid. 
You are tuned in to what they are saying.. listening, understanding. 
For once…. you're understanding. 

When you respond, you speak from your heart. 
Voice filled with love, because well, that's all that's left. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

― Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

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Matthew and I just sat and looked at each other in silence for a long time.
Somehow we both knew what we had to do, we could see it in each other. 
I smiled at him, he smiled back at me.  

Matthew was my soul mate, I guess I can say he still is and probably will always be. 
He was everything I had on my list: healthy, southern, artistic, funny, athletic, really damn good looking… he could practically fix anything around the house or on my car. His smile. Dear Lord, when that boy smiles… 

More than that, Matthew made things seem possible. He was the voice of courage that always had my back. He pushed me to do things I never would've thought myself capable of and he held my hand the entire way. We traveled and experienced things that I will never forget. We talked and planned of running away to somewhere far away to indulge in a completely different world.. we wanted that for each other. Our love was deep.. and we fell in head first. Who wouldn't? 

As perfect as everything was, as comfortable as we had become, there was still a voice telling us that we are meant for something greater, that God isn't quite finished with us yet. Matthew and I have so much to learn and so much left to experience in our lives. We aren't even 25 and we expected ourselves to have it all together.

We aren't angry, we don't have any regrets. 
We appreciate each other and our relationship. 
For years we shared a love that we always planned on lasting for forever, 
and you know what? It always will. I will always love Matthew and there will always be a place in my heart for him and this special time in our lives. 

I'm sitting on my sun porch, watching the neighbors walk by, with Ranger at my side begging to go play.. It seems like just yesterday Matthew and I were walking up the front steps for the first time. I remember how it smelled the first time we walked in… I could never forget that smell. Cigarettes masked by new carpet. Strangely comforting. 

I can't believe we've been in Colorado for almost a year now. 
Where does the time go? It's always way too fast. 

I wanted to write this blog because when I can control the words coming out I somehow understand everything so much better.. I wanted to share this blog because I want to encourage people to not be afraid to take the next step in their life. I know it's so easy to feel stuck and like there is no other way but there is a l w a y s another way. The people that really love you will understand and support you, even if it means not being with them. 

Of course it hurts. 
Any time you invest your heart in something you are risking getting hurt, that's the point. 
But try to remember what you gain in the relationship is so much bigger than that. 

Trust me y'all.. It's 3:00 in the afternoon on St. Patrick's Day and i'm already in pajamas listening to sad country songs, I think we've all figured out by now that nothing in life comes, or goes, very easy. 

Stay positive and think of the unknown ahead of you. 
Trust the little voice, trust the pain, trust what you went through to get where you are. 

Rejoice always. 

"ready to fly, you and I, here we go…"