the day I remembered

It's another rainy Saturday morning in Colorado. 
I spent all Friday night scrubbing the house from the top floor to the bottom-

-tomorrow is moving day. 

Not for me, but for her. 

Tomorrow I am getting a new roommate; her name is Dakota, and I met her on Craig's list. 

This house on 2nd Street has never been so clean. I've probably taken at least three trash bags of clothes and two car loads of boxes to goodwill. 

Man, it feels good to get rid of stuff!

Honestly I probably went overload. 
Once I decide I don't want something, I have to get rid of it right then or else that's how I still end up with dresses I wore in 10th grade or eating way more french fries than planned. 

That's when I found myself emotionally driving over to Good will. I was the girl slamming down boxes all wine drunk yelling at the guy in the blue vest "Just take it! Just take it all!" 

He said it happens all the time, so, here's to those other girls out there sorting through their shit! 

I'll probably regret it when I go to cook pasta and realize I have given away my favorite pot and strainer. Oh, well. 



I've been making a few drastic changes in my life these days…
Well I guess not really by choice, just the dramatic fate of circumstance. 
(Some people still call that choice, I have learned.) 

If you were to ask me a year ago how I pictured my life would be today, I would describe it as the exact opposite of my life right now. Life has it's weird way of bringing people in and out of our lives. 
And to say that these entrances and exits are unexpected is the understatement of the year. 

I remember when God was speaking to me over a year ago about the changes I needed to make in my life. You know, when we kick the dirt and hesitate to have faith and make these changes, he's gonna make them for you. And you know what? It's gonna hurt. 

Imagine if we never hesitated to follow our hearts, 
imagine if we all did what we knew was right, the first time we felt it. 

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that God is the ultimate decision maker in my life, always has been. No one knows what your heart needs like the one who created love itself. 

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that God doesn't want people to be broken hearted, he cries when you cry, he feels pain when you feel pain; God wants us to have faith in him, he wants us to believe in a future we can't yet see. 

But here I am, debating on putting that whiskey I found in the freezer in my coffee. It's 10:00am. 

The house is so empty, it's like living in a fancy art museum with one painting on the wall. When I was showing the house to rent, people thought I was moving out! 

I'm starting my third year in this house.. My third year in Colorado. 

In my closet I have made an inspiration wall, it's the usual inspo stuff: pictures of places i've been and still want to see, quotes from songs and magazines, pictures of family and friends. I look at it every single day while i'm getting ready for work, talking on the phone or putting on PJs.. all the time. 

Before I go on, I just want to remind people in case they've forgotten how sentimental of a person I am.  I hold on to everything.. In my wallet right now you will find one of those paper bands that holds a fork and napkin together with "Peg Leg Pete's" on it. It's from the last time I went home and had a date with my dad. He gave it to me. 

Every time I scrounge around for something to put my gum in I grab that and I just can't throw it away.

So any way, back to my wall. 

After looking at this wall every day, I couldn't help but to notice a few select things that kept sticking out to me, not in a good way. Pictures that once made me instantly happy began to make me feel sad and a little bitter, that little "I love you" note that used to make me smile no matter what, made me think "What if I would've done this.. what if that?" I would look at them and fixate the whole time, completely distracting me from the good things. 

Before I knew it, my inspiration wall was doing the exact opposite of it's design. It was making me question where I'm at in life and where I think I should be. It was too much for me to deal with. 

 I was 17 minutes late for work that day because I had to take those pictures down right then and there. 

Don't get me wrong, I paid my respect to those pictures. I got out a fancy pen and wrote down places and times they were taken, maybe something special about that day. I looked at them all very closely and had good thoughts about every single one.

And then I shoved them in a box under my bed, not to be opened again for a long, long time. 

Man, It feels so good to get rid of stuff! 

Now I look around and all I can see is b l a n k space. New space. A fresh space for something else. 

The last few months have been different for me. 
There was a point when it felt like I had lost everything at once. 
My roommate/really good friend moved out, my boyfriend and I broke up…
It was rough! I was angry and yelling at everyone.. I was short tempered at work and I was really sad. 

The worst part about wearing your heart on your sleeve is that everyone can see it. I'm not one to hide behind my emotions, I'm typically a really happy person. It's completely obvious when something ain't right. There was one morning I remember in particular feeling this way. I was driving back to my house from housesitting and that song came on.

You know the song i'm talking about. That song that makes you stop breathing for a second. That song that puts you on autopilot and forces you to relive every moment lived out with that song. God I just cried and cried. 

What am the fuck am I doing? Why do I feel this way? What am I going to do about it? 

Just then, I heard God speaking to me. I remembered the story of Job in the bible. (Y'all, I haven't been to church in years) but.. Satan told God that if he tested Job's integrity and faith in him, Job would give up and turn against him. Job was left with nothing…. and when he was in his deepest, darkest misery, he still had faith. When he lost loved ones, his livestock, his own health.. he chose love anyway. It's not like God was just silently watching by, he was there for Job. He kept telling Job to hold on a little while longer, He kept reminding Job of the love he had for him, his unfailing love that never leaves. And you know what happened? Job still chose love because he knew at the end of the day that's all he needed to get him through.

I hope to be more like Job. 

I know in my life personally, I feel closest to God when I'm in misery. Of course, just like a child, I come running home when something doesn't go my way. 

In my car that morning, I felt the presence of God. I felt him telling me, "Rachel, you have got to pick yourself up. You have got to get yourself up off the floor. Everything you have been through has led you to here. Pick yourself up, You can do this." 

I thought about that time I ran for 386 days in a row and how many miles and hills I had to conquer in order to move forward. I just cried.

I felt God reminding me, "I have made you strong so you can face tomorrow, GET UP." 

I remembered. I remembered the clarity that love for yourself brings to you. I remembered that I deserve more. I deserve happiness.. I deserve to feel the grace that has been given to me. 

He's not done with me yet. 

I am Rachel Lehmann. 
I am the only person who gets to decide what that really means. 

God has a future for me, a life planned for me that I couldn't come close to planning myself. Hell,  I can't even plan for next weekend. Now when I  catch myself feeling sad, looking around at the blank spaces, I picture what it could be. I picture what and who could live in those spaces now that I have cleaned out the things that… I know aren't right for me right now. 

Ahh.. the power of positivity. 

The way we look at things can literally change our lives. 

Find the beauty in the blank spaces, 
Have faith in the changes happening in your life.

Tomorrow is the start of another brand new beginning. 

Stay positive, friends.