That's when I realized, that's the hard thing about starting something new…
You have to start right where you are.
Start with your hands shaking.
Start with your knees buckling.
Start with tears coming down your face.
Just start.
Life is full of choices,
They say that the hardest thing and the right thing are often the same…
When the moment comes, when you have to make a choice, you'll know.
It's like once your heart and brain agree on what choice to make and once your thoughts finally diffuse into one, your body goes into survival mode. It's like God's way of protecting your heart against what is about to come at you.
I don't know about you, but I feel like in this moment is when an overwhelming numbness falls over my body. It's hard to explain-
You are focused. You are still. You are ready.
When the other person starts talking, you are not afraid.
You are tuned in to what they are saying.. listening, understanding.
For once…. you're understanding.
When you respond, you speak from your heart.
Voice filled with love, because well, that's all that's left.
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“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”
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Matthew and I just sat and looked at each other in silence for a long time.
Somehow we both knew what we had to do, we could see it in each other.
I smiled at him, he smiled back at me.
Matthew was my soul mate, I guess I can say he still is and probably will always be.
He was everything I had on my list: healthy, southern, artistic, funny, athletic, really damn good looking… he could practically fix anything around the house or on my car. His smile. Dear Lord, when that boy smiles…
More than that, Matthew made things seem possible. He was the voice of courage that always had my back. He pushed me to do things I never would've thought myself capable of and he held my hand the entire way. We traveled and experienced things that I will never forget. We talked and planned of running away to somewhere far away to indulge in a completely different world.. we wanted that for each other. Our love was deep.. and we fell in head first. Who wouldn't?
As perfect as everything was, as comfortable as we had become, there was still a voice telling us that we are meant for something greater, that God isn't quite finished with us yet. Matthew and I have so much to learn and so much left to experience in our lives. We aren't even 25 and we expected ourselves to have it all together.
We aren't angry, we don't have any regrets.
We appreciate each other and our relationship.
For years we shared a love that we always planned on lasting for forever,
and you know what? It always will. I will always love Matthew and there will always be a place in my heart for him and this special time in our lives.
I'm sitting on my sun porch, watching the neighbors walk by, with Ranger at my side begging to go play.. It seems like just yesterday Matthew and I were walking up the front steps for the first time. I remember how it smelled the first time we walked in… I could never forget that smell. Cigarettes masked by new carpet. Strangely comforting.
I can't believe we've been in Colorado for almost a year now.
Where does the time go? It's always way too fast.
I wanted to write this blog because when I can control the words coming out I somehow understand everything so much better.. I wanted to share this blog because I want to encourage people to not be afraid to take the next step in their life. I know it's so easy to feel stuck and like there is no other way but there is a l w a y s another way. The people that really love you will understand and support you, even if it means not being with them.
Of course it hurts.
Any time you invest your heart in something you are risking getting hurt, that's the point.
But try to remember what you gain in the relationship is so much bigger than that.
Trust me y'all.. It's 3:00 in the afternoon on St. Patrick's Day and i'm already in pajamas listening to sad country songs, I think we've all figured out by now that nothing in life comes, or goes, very easy.
Stay positive and think of the unknown ahead of you.
Trust the little voice, trust the pain, trust what you went through to get where you are.
Rejoice always.
"ready to fly, you and I, here we go…"
