Why buying bigger jeans made me fall in love with my body again

We all have those jeans that we've been holding on to since freshman year; the ones with the tears from that one night and the ones with just enough wiggle room in the most appropriate spots, the ones that made us feel like the hottest girl in the room that one friday night,.. the ones we compare ourselves to as the years go by.. the same ones that tell us when we need start eating more salads.. because why? because everyone wants to still be that girl.

In high school I didn't really notice my size, I just ate pizza rolls and ran track with every body else.

 Probably my second year of college is when I became a little self-conscious. All of a sudden compliments from others evolved around body parts. Such as, "Oh my gosh, you have the nicest calf muscles" "wow, your arms are so perfect" "I wish i had thighs like yours." It was until this point in my life that I even thought twice about a certain muscles shape or definition.

Anyway, then I discovered beer.

I wouldn't say I gained the average 15 pounds but I definitely wasn't my 17-year-old athletic self. I moved in with my boyfriend and frequently ate from a snack machine. Even still, I wore the same jeans.

After a series of typical traumatic college events, in addition to a few keggers and the munchies,  I started running long distance.
I started out just running a few miles at a time, walking in between. Then, After consistently running away from school work, my job, my current heart break, the runs were getting longer and longer.
I ran 5 half-marathons during this time... I was always running...
I became vegetarian and really changed my whole lifestyle.
I was known as "the healthy one."

Of course my confidence level went sky high and I felt really great about myself.
I could still fit in those same jeans, and you know what, I made them look damn good.

My fifth year of college is when things started slowing down again. My best-friend/running partner moved back home, I was starting an internship and full-time school schedule, I don't know what happened but my activity level plummeted. I went on occasional long runs emotionally inspired by some kind of drawn out argument.. I ate every now and then, but boy...did I drink. Matthew would have a glass of wine in the freezer waiting for my arrival almost every night. We fell asleep on the couch in the living room more often than not, ate a lot of leftovers for breakfast, and always did things in a hurry.

There were a few short periods when I would go into hardcore workout mode. I was very strict on my diet and work-out regimen. No short cuts. No cheat days. It worked for a little while, but nothing realistic.

You can imagine my self-esteem at this time was incredibly low. I would stare at myself in the mirror for hours thinking that would somehow change something. I was obsessing over pictures of other girls, envying their body parts like I had felt victim of before. There was only one thing that I held on to as a reminder of my actual size, those size 2 jeans.

Before I knew it, I was graduating college and packing up my life in a Penske truck to move across the country. What began was a long road of adjusting to (stressful) full time jobs, paying double for our rent everything, and all the while getting to know our brand new surroundings.

Then the girls from work invited me to go to happy hour.

Happy hour is a magical thing, people.
Happy hour is the silver lining at the end of the 8-hour tunnel.

At this time in my life, happy hour was every hour, every day.
Sometimes we would order an appetizer, sometimes we'd just order a shot of tequila. There wasn't a whole lot of balanced meals.

Shamefully, i'm here to admit that I even had an occasional cigarette.
Even worse, I liked it.

Those jeans made an appearance to a few Saturday nights and even the occasional Sunday brunch ;)

Even now I go through these little hard core health spurts.. thinking a week in the gym will fix a summer of binge drinking.. I step on the scale and get pissed that I didn't lose ten pounds over night.

I felt uncomfortable in everything I wore (except in maxi skirts and sweatshirts),
I felt like I always needed to adjust myself and it was annoying.
I avoided wearing pants to work because I felt tight and bloated by the end of the day.

I still felt like I needed to "fix" something.
Here comes another spurt--I went on crazy hard core diets, stopped drinking completely, and started taking supplements,
Constantly checking the mirror for results,
This was not happiness, it was the exact opposite.

I was so stressed out trying to be perfect.. trying to be like the girls I was so jealous over, It was like I was just completely disgusted with myself over things I couldn't change.

I started thinking back on it and it occurred to me that the times in my life when I looked my healthiest was when I didn't give a damn! 

I ran around outside and went on hikes and enjoyed little runs on saturday mornings.. I never obsessed about the shape of my biceps or constantly compared myself to the sports illustrated girls, I just did it because it made me happy to do it. I loved myself enough to know who I was on the inside, I didn't need to make all this effort to show it on the outside. 

So that's where i'm at now.. not giving a damn.  Well, I can say i'm trying. 
I still try to avoid processed food and care about living a healthy lifestyle, 
i've just learned that i have to start from within.

For the first time in 6 years, I bought bigger jeans. 

'Free' is the best word I could think of to describe this feeling.

I danced around in my closet for about 5 minutes to make sure nothing would fall out anywhere. If you try on a pair of jeans and they can withstand a whole round of 'Drop it like it's hot' LADIES-- we have found a winner. 

No muffin top! YAY! Who knew?! Moms every where have known the secret to hiding a belly this whole time-- the answer is 'mid rise.'

The whole point of this thing is that we have got to make ourselves happy first ladies- we have to be nice and kind to ourselves. 

Believe it or not, what we tell ourselves causes more damage than what anyone else tells us. 
Remember that. 

Also, we need to relax. 
We need to learn to take breaks from things that are harmful to us. 
For example, if you know visiting 'just one' page for 'just a second' will leave you feeling guilty for pigging out with the family that morning, don't do it. Recognizing what makes you feel bad and learning to avoid it is key to getting your self confidence back. 

What comes in is a product of what goes out. 
Keep your thoughts bright, positive, and encouraging. 

This new year, something I want to work on, is finding a routine. I would love to find the perfect balance of working out and having a social life. I want to run simply for the love of running. I miss that feeling. 

Not all of us can eat clean and work out 24/7, find the right combination of everything that works for you. It is way too easy to get discouraged and burn yourself out. 

Plus, I could never give up beer. 

Besides, If all else fails, 
Just buy bigger jeans.