one day stronger

I think I figured it out... 
I think I figured out what was wrong all along... 

All along...

I wasn't being the person that I know i'm supposed to be.

I believe that God gives your heart desires, 

he gives you the motivation and hope to accomplish your dreams. 

He always, always, alwaaaaaays gives you what you need. 

Someone once told me:

"Ray, maybe these relationships aren't working out for you because they aren't what you really want."

At the time I really fought against that. 

I had the perfect guy I could ever ask for, I had my whole life planned out...

you know.. to be the happy married couple who travels the world together and has it all figured out..

That happy married couple that makes dinner every night and plans on having babies. 

Except nothing was figured out. Nothing was working out. 

The thought of marriage really freaked me out. 

Every other few days I may have been up for the idea,

but most days I dreamed of being somewhere else...

I dreamed of all of things that I wanted to do, 

not the things I wanted US to do. 

Every one says it's just about meeting the right person..

they say "oh girl, you'll want to be married. just wait until you meet that one special guy."

I am 21 years old. 

I am YOUNG.

I have no interest or desire in my whole body to be settled down. 

I want to be out there....

I have the desire to do the things I want to do in life, with no outer influences, 

with no one to answer to, with just my own free will.

I believe that I have these desires in my heart for a reason, 

I have this motivation for a purpose, I have the strength God has given me to use for him. 

For whatever he needs me to do...

I will go. I will believe, and I will be. 

I trust in the Lord, and man...

I trust in the greater plans he has for me. 

When it comes time for me to be settled and married... 

well then I'll feel like doing that. And maybe then, i'll be ready.

so it will be right, just according to his plan. Follow the desires you have in your heart, they'll lead you to true happiness. 

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Lately i've had a hard time comparing myself to others, 

like i'm never enough for myself because I just keep on comparing. 

I get frustrated with myself for having animosity towards the STUPIDEST situations. 

Oh silly, silly humans.... 

You are the best YOU there ever will be. 

You aren't meant to be someone else, or even close to being LIKE someone else,

so why compare ourselves to them?

Because we are human. 

We are damaged.

We are damaged in our own little ways, 

just remember that one man's junk is another man's treasure,

and you are beautiful.

every thing in your life has made you that way. 

enjoy it, thrive in it. 

I just want to say that I am so happy that I am in college. 

Every day I go to class and I learn so much about the world and people around me,

I learn even more about myself. 

We are so fortunate to have been given the lives that we have been given.

I've been on the fitness train for a while, 

and I just want to say to everyone else that's starting that I am so proud. 

It's so important for people to care about their health,

be proud of yourself and who you are RIGHT NOW.

Now, 

I decided to add a body pic of my own. 

I'M PROUD. 

We all have insecurities so let's support each other, 

not break each other down. 

keep on going. 

like a Grey's Anatomy episode

 You had a lot of dreams that transformed to visions
The fact that you saw the world affected all your decisions
But it wasn’t your fault, wasn’t in your intentions
To be the one here talking to me, be the one listening

..........

Yesterday I spent the entire day disassembling our home. 

Piece by piece I put our memories off the walls and into boxes...

it didn't feel real. it didn't feel like what I was doing was really happening.

Life was changing right in front of me and I was in control of it. But letting it take control of me. 

Here I am, sitting in the living room of our apartment. 

I'm sitting on the floor up against the wall because the love seat we'd always fall asleep in has moved.

I have boxes and baskets all over the floor filled with my stuff. our stuff. the stuff we got together. 

It is such a bittersweet feeling;

the ending of one road and the beginning of another. 

Somewhere along the way I lost it.

I lost the romance and the flame that burned bright for you. 

Instead of recognizing the 'right here, right now' moments, 

I got completely lost in the 'what if?' moments....

I lost what we had craving for what we didn't have.

I let it burn down. 

Run for your life, my love
Run and you don't give up
All that you are
All that you want
Run for your life right now
And if you don't know how
I’ll come back with you and take all that’s true
And leave all that's burned behind
Run for your life

I have found the love of my life. 

I have found a person that has touched the depths of my soul that have never seen light. 

I have found my soul mate... the person God has specifically designed for me. 

Some people may say that is just crazy, 

but my dad always told me "honey, it's always going to be crazy to someone who doesn't believe."

Through it all, 

through the fighting and the crying... 

the boxes and baskets...

I know I am coming back to you.

I know that right now, 

As much as I would rather walk the road with you,  we're at the fork...

where you go left and I stay right...

it's my time to walk by myself. 

I know there is a beautiful journey that is going to make me stronger and a better person for you. 

I know that our roads are going to come back to one,

and then we can walk together again. 

I'm just going to keep on believing.

I've heard someone say that when you are in the act of loving a person, you are giving them a piece of you.  You are letting them take a piece of you with them for the rest of their life. 

I think i've given too many pieces away,

I don't think that right now in my life, I am capable of giving someone everything I have,

because there isn't that much to give...

I've given it all away. 

Take the time to love yourself,

take the time to get all your pieces back...

allow yourself to heal and keep up with itself.

Or else, 

you won't have anything to give to the next person you meet,

and this person...

they may deserve it all. 

even worse,

you may lose yourself. 

look at the person next to you, 

or think about your old best friend...

think about how much they've changed...

think about how different things have been or how they used to be,

it happened in such a short amount of time... 

now look at you.

crazy to think you've changed as much as they have, 

you just can't see it in yourself like you can see it in someone else. 

we're all guilty. 

Something inside of me has died.

I was going to say something is missing, 

But I know there is something is inside of me that is supposed to be alive and it's not. I can feel it.

I'm carrying this weight on me and it has pulled me down. 

I asked the Lord to bring me back to life, 

to make me feel alive again... 

I think things are coming together well.

:)