"anger is just expectation not met."

How do we make ourselves expect nothing from the people who once promised to give us everything? Who we feel like owe us everything?

Growing up is always so hard... and I don't think it ever gest easier. We're always growing up and changing until the day we die. Our expectations just grow with the people around us, with the situations around us...

Aside from that,
We are taught to give all that we can.
Give our best in school, at our jobs, to the strangers we come across everyday..
The hardest part--- learning to not expect anything in return.

Even when things are unfair, when it just doesn't seem right in any form...

That's where your character comes from.
Character is how you treat people who can't do anything for you.
Character is how you act during situations that aren't for your benefit.
Charater is giving all you've got to give, and never expecting anything in return.

Situations make up our lives, our reactions to those situations make us who we are.

If I lay here,
If I just lay here...
Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?

you can.

connect
your
emotions
to
your
feet
and
stomp
the
shit
out
of
them.

fire, faith, and fresh mozzarella

Not too long ago, I mentioned the place Horsetooth Resevior, and how that place helped me become more at peace with being so far away from the place I consider home.

It was so high in the air, I could see over the whole town,
I could lay on the beach and be some where else,
I could drive around with the windows down and let the wind blow my fears away,

Those days,
Those drives,
Those little moments,
They affected my whole world.
That's all it takes---

 

When we are off taking advantage of the moments life gives us,

Life is off taking advantage of those moments, too.

Life happens,

justlikethat.

Horsetooth Resevior

A lightning bolt is what started the high park fire that has now burned over 41,000 acres in the beautiful town of Fort Collins, Colorado.

Over 100 structures, 1 life...
all started with a strike of lightning.

I'm didn't grow up here,
I don't know tons of people or even a few street names.
But I do know that there are people suffering with confusion and loss right now.
My heart goes out to them.

There is brokenness spreading across the state.
That's what tragedy does...
no one ever knows what else to be.
We don't know how to live in any other moment but the present one.

It never gets easier to see past that...
that's where faith comes in.

Faith is believing in things that you can't see.

I think this fire hit me so close to my heart because it was so sudden.
Tragedy makes people realize how quickly you can lose everything you've worked for, everything your family has worked for...

go live your life.
Don't waste time trying to gain all the possessions you can,
those aren't going to make it through the fire.
It's the memories that are the prize possessions you're going to be left with.

Don't gain the whole world and lose your soul.

I'm going to have the audacity and say it,
There is good in this.
It's hard to think about at first, I know.
We have to keep in mind and trust in not only God, but the cycle of life...

There is reasoning behind the darkest corners.
There's an explanation at the end of the road, you have to hold on.
You have to hold on and have the strength to put one foot in front of the other and move forward.

Don't fight it.
You can never move forward if your looking backwards. You might trip.

You can't take hold of the future unless you learn to let go of the past.

We control our thoughts,
every single one of them.
We control what we want our mind to linger on,
linger on brighter days. They're coming.

If you can't have faith in anything else,
have faith in yourself.
You're a fighter.

Lauren, I love you.

Thanks for having a glass of wine with me before I went to babysit.

;)

I ate a waffle with tomato, basil leaves, fresh mozzarella, and a balsamic vinegar glaze.

It was awesome.

Try something you'd never expect from yourself..

It's fun that way, promise!

an attempt

This is my attempt to do more.

Discover.

Experience.

Write.

Every day I want to do something different... something i've never done before.

I figure the best place to start: FOOD.
I love food and everything about it...
I'll discover Fort Collins through my mouth- PERFECT.

This place has what seems like endless options as far as restaurants go. I'm ready for the challenge.

I don't want this blog to sound like restaurant reviews so i'll keep it brief.

Day one:

Snooze.

Snooze is one of my favorite places in town for pancakes-- they have the craziest ones. I have been here before-- but never by myself. I've never been anywhere to eat by myself. This was interesting for me. haha As soon as I walk in the hostess says... "Is it just going to be you?" I look behind me to see if she sees someone I don't.. "yep! Just me!" So she guides me to a table somewhere near the back. Not long after, my waiter, Rico, slides in the seat across from me. Rico questions me and my explanation to eating out by myself. I never realized what an ordeal it was... but soon I could feel eyes looking at me. I felt out of my comfort zone. Success.

It's good to feel out of your comfort zone every now and then. We should all do it more often, I believe. haha, just think about how broad our comfort zone could get after a while of exiting it!

Admit it, we all feel for those eating alone. I know it breaks my heart sometimes.

I didn't know what to do in my own company. So, I just listened to the people next to me.

That's always  interesting.

It felt good doing something i've never done before. It helped me to see lonliness from a different perspective. Maybe it is possible... to be perfectly lonely.

Day two:

Mugs.

I ran this morning--- I was starving!

I spent a few minutes carefully assesing each restaurant and coffee shop in town-- I finally decided on Mugs. Mugs is located in old towne, the hot spot in Fort Collins. This little locally-grown-and-organic-everything shop seemed like a great place for me to get an egg and cheese bagel. (My favorite thing to have for breakfast). Before I left the house I looked at my new Sara Lee Everything bagels... Man, I don't want to sound full of myself, but I love the breakfasts I make for myself. Anyway, I want to find a place like Mad Batter. Mad Batter was mine and Laurens second home last year.. I miss it.

I walk into Mugs and it smells awesome. It smells like damn good food. I see they have a huge assortment of coffee and sandwiches to choose from! Awesome! I think it's always so awkward going to one of these local places... especially if you've never been there before. Every one seems to know how the place functions and where everything you need is located. They know that they bring you your food, where to put your coffee cup when you're finished... everyone just seems to GET IT. I didn't get it.

I walk up to the counter.. I've already studied the menu so I feel pretty confident with my order. "I'll have an egg, cheese, and veggie sandwich with a coffee, for here." The guy taking my order seemed to understand what I was saying and asked me if I wanted it toasted or cold... this question always qualifies as a stupid question for me. What the hell is a sadwich if it's not toasted!?

I get my coffee and sit at the counter and wait. I wanted to sit outside... do they bring it outside? I didn't know. I wait for what seemed to be a really long time... sometimes thats a good sign-- quality takes time! I think the anticipation made me even more anxious to stick my teeth into those juicy eggs...

And then It got awkward.

It always does.

The guy behind the counter keeps making comments about me towards the cook. Such as, "this girl looks hungry, you better hurry!" and "you better make it good, she's been waiting on it!"

....maybe I had been waiting a while.

I always, always, always blush when people do that crap.

Finally, the cook comes around the corner and hands me a red basket and says "here's your panini!"

.....panini?

...........alright.

I was too excited to think about it any further. Maybe he just said it wrong.

So, I grab the basket and inside is some kind of sandwich with tomato, squash, way too many onions, and cheese.

No eggs?

No bagel?!

I just assumed it wasn't mine. That couldn't be mine. I WANTED EGGS.

I walk back up to the counter and the guy says "if it isn't good i'll fire him"

In my head i'm thinking, "I think you're the screw-up here, funny guy,"

I try to verrrrrry sweetly say "is this mine? I thought I ordered eggs, cheese, and veggies?"

Of course, like anytime you question the person who took your order, they make up some crazy thing they thought you said...

I just agreed to take what was in the basket. I didn't want to wait another fifteen minutes.

I walk outside to the patio and sit and stare at the thing in front of me.

I began to think that I should've just stayed home. I could have had eggs just the way I like them, with a bagel toasted just the right length of time... unlimited coffee.... and I probably could've done it in my underwear.

But, that's not the point of this.

The point of this is to try new things,

The point of this is to try different. Ha, this was definitely different.

I dig into the basket.

I don't like it.

It's nothing like what I'd been craving since 6:00 this morning.

It's greasy from the ample amount of over-cooked onions and kind of tastes like carnival food.

I feel like they were watching me through the window because after I take my first bite and just sit for a minute, Funny Guy from inside comes out and apologizes...

I told him a million times not to worry about it!

....he hands me a gift card.

Well, that was nice.

Trying something new always comes with risk.

Whether it's a new food, a new skill, a new person, or a new sport...

There's always a chance you aren't going to like it. Or it's just not going to be what you expected.

The point is:

You tried.





for the first time

When you're little, your life is so exciting.
I think that's because you are experiencing everything for the first time.
There's something thrilling and scary about jumping into the deep end for the first time, your first time driving without your dad in the front seat, your first time going to walmart by yourself... Maybe it's a sense of freedom that you get.
As you get older, you experience more and more every day. Most of the time, it's things you may have already experienced once before. Getting in the car to go to work becomes second nature, doing things are your own become dreadful instead of new fleeting adventures...

What's special is when you're older and you still continue to experience things "for the first time."
I've realized that these experiences are important. That "first time" feeling... we need that.

When is the last time that you did something for the first time?

Whether it be trying a new food, going to a new bookstore, or... hiking a 14-ner?
Make a summer bucket list of things you've never done before, then... start crossing things off.

We stood on top of the world.

14,060 ft.

We whined and complained up and down the mountain,

there were 45-50 mph winds, cold fingers, numb ears and toes...

I fell down every 5 steps I took, peed in the bushes, got some mean blisters..

But most of all, we got the feeling of experiencing something for the first time.

That I wouldn't trade for the world.

I've lived in Ft.Collins for a month now and so far all i've done is lay around with Spud.

Not to say that I haven't enjoyed the very much-needed down time,

but... I'M IN FREAKING FORT COLLINS.

This is one of the coolest towns I've ever been in!

I've told myself that it's hard getting out and doing things on my own,

am I afraid of that "first time" feeling?

Because i've been avoiding it's going to come running after me with a hammer or something.

I used to get so excited when my dad said I could go get gas by myself.

Goodness... Look at me now!

I realized I really need to take advantage of the beautiful place i'm in this summer.

We all know time always flies by so much faster than we really want it to.

Horsetooth Resevior.

This beautiful place reminds me of being at the lakes in Carolina.

I love it here, and for once, I found peace with where I was.

I found the slightest touch of something that reminded me of where I came from,

I believe you are capable of finding that where ever you are.

Get out there and find it.

It's certainly not going to find you.

And if you always wish to be somewhere else...

you're never going to be happy right where you are.

You're there for a reason, enjoy it.